18

Part 1 Completed

Today I finished the first part of my counseling. The second part will actually go into the PTSD. I’m not looking forward to it. The first part has been exhausting and at times brutal but I will say that the counsellor has been beyond amazing and I feel like I’m making progress. She has given me some resources to use over the next few weeks because I’m on a wait list. She’s invited me to be a part of an art therapy group that meets on Thursday nights. After the second part of the counselling is over I will go into the third and final stage with hopes of a life not so wrapped around depression anxiety and fear.

Of course, work continues to be gruelling. My counsellor suggested I buy a box with a lock on it and write down things that I’m either not ready or can’t deal with right now and put it in the box. Finding new work or re-training is going into the lock box. Just not ready right now with all the counselling and changes going on. It’s just too much. But, I do see in the future this is something I want to pursue and see where it leads. I’m pretty sure I want to go into working in palliative care full-time or working for myself, or both. I need to get myself into a better mental state before I can be making major life changes.

As most of you know, I’m back on Facebook. It’s just as crappy as ever. But, it is so nice to see a lot of you and to see my friends and family that I don’t get to see often. My sister’s sister-in-law is expecting a baby any day and I am so excited for her and her partner this is her first but she comes from a family of 10 children herself!

It seems that Norbert’s age is catching up with him. He’s 14 this year. Usually in the spring, his favourite time of the year, he starts to cavort with leaping and prancing and spending most of the day trying to get outside. Mostly he’s just sleeps now. However a few minutes ago when I took the recycling to the road he did try to get out. I dropped the recycling bin very loudly on purpose and that scared him and he ran upstairs. He is still the biggest wimp of a cat that I’ve ever owned. But by god, I love that cat. Right now he’s sitting looking out the window watching his birds.

Well, I have laundry to do. Until next time.

16

Home Today

I couldn’t go to work today. I just couldn’t. Work has me so stressed. From a job that I used to love to a job that has me sick with dread 24 hours a day. My therapist has given me information about retraining because this can’t keep happening. This afternoon I called the agency that does retraining but the hoops I have to go through are daunting. It’s a program for women who have mental health issues (check) and have experienced violence (check) and have barriers to full time employment because of it. Like Scarlet O’Hara, I will think about it another day. “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Ah, what great coping skills I have.

All your comments in my last post brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel so alone and dull and the most boring person in the world. Really, my life is very mundane. When you have depression you don’t look forward to anything. But what’s to look forward to? The planet is past the tipping point. I don’t have time off until September. Going through bed each night is what I look forward to.

Anyway. I heard this song today on another blog and it made me think of my love for my own kids so I sent it to them. I’m posting it here because it’s beautiful.

18

Nothing new. Just working to the point of exhaustion, coming home and sitting and staring at a screen or cross-stitch or my knitting loom, waiting to go to bed. At some point in there I do some housework and make some meals or go out and get groceries. On Tuesdays I go to counselling which is horrible and awful but I hold to process and hopeful end result. Seriously. I am so messed up.

Sleep continues to be a problem. I wake up every morning between 2:30 and 4:00 and can’t get back to sleep. It’s usually anxiety that wakes me up. So, I decided to get myself a weighted blanket. Will see how that works.

My cousin became a grandma again today. My daughter came over and I helped her with her income taxes and some medical form about 50 pages long because she has some health issues going on and needs genetic testing. I am not going to pull a Birdie and freak out but it’s worrisome. Life of a mom, right? Get pregnant. Worry about miscarrying. Worry there will be something wrong after birth. Then worry about pretty much every single thing for the rest of your life even after they become adults and move out.

That’s all I have right now. Not sure why I can’t seem to get into posting. Maybe because my life is incredibly boring and nothing ever happens.

14

I Hate Facebook

Yes. I do. But you have to be on it to be a part of anything these days. If you aren’t on Facebook it’s like being the kid with no friends on the playground. If you want to add me, send an email to birdieisblogging@hotmail.com, let me know your name and I will reply with mine and I will add you if I actually know you. I may be adding some of you that I had previously added. Please don’t block me. Again, with the kid with no friends on the playground. 😁

23

A Quick Post Before Bed

Well, I certainly didn’t mean for almost 2 months to pass between posts but it happened and that’s all there is to it. First it was just winter blues. Then a little depression. Then a bit more depression. Then laziness. Then not having a whole lot going on.

There is this. I have made a decision to see what life is like to not be on antidepressants. Please. Nobody say be careful or have wise words of wisdom because I have been on every medication under the sun and nothing has really worked. Then there was the straw that broke the camels back. Serequel. It’s an antipsychotic. My doctor put me on it several years ago for “sleep”. I have never had a fucking psychotic episode in my life. As I looked into this drug further I became concerned. First, my doctor never told me it was an antipsychotic. Second, he never discussed side effects. Even the makers of the drug say it should not be used for sleep. To top it off, when I was deciding to wean off Wellbutrin he did not approve and said that I should be on Ritalin “for energy”. A pill to make me sleep and a pill to wake me up. Are you getting kickbacks, doctor? The fuck? Serequel. Wellbutrin. Ritalin. Ativan. No wonder I feel like shit. So, I went off the Serequel cold turkey which was a bad idea. Lots of side effects. Then an angel was sent from heaven and she got me on a supplement that supports mental health with nutrition. If you want to know more about that go here. (I take a supplement and amino acids.) There has been ups and downs as I wean off and some of the downs have been pretty bad but that has to do with the body going through withdrawal. When you have been on medications for years side effects are expected. I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I am down to 75 with the hopes to be off completely. The cool thing about this company is they have telephone support so when you are going through a rough patch you can call and get some guidance. Anyway, the angel sent from heaven decided to sponsor me through all of this and I haven’t had to pay a thing. For that I am grateful. At first I thought it was some multilevel marketing bullshit but it’s not. It is the story of a family of 10 children and their dad who lost the mom to suicide and then several of the children showing up with mental illnesses and being told by psychiatrists that nothing can be done. His kids were maxed out on meds and they were still very unwell so he started looking into alternatives. Okay, long story short. I am feeling better. Not a dramatic change but clearer. More hopeful.

Work is absolutely insane. We are full on with the new model of care. From 6 or 7 clients to about 20 a day. Staff are unhappy. Clients are unhappy. It’s pretty sad when you sit down with someone who lost her spouse and as she grabs your hand and sobs you have to get up and leave. I had to do that today. The reason I chose this profession was to make a difference. There is no longer time to make a difference. Management doesn’t care and shuts down any dissension. Profit over people at their most vulnerable. She got her breakfast. That’s all that matters in the world of management. The positive thing is they will receive big bonuses this year.

What else? Not much. I had 5 days off last week, my only time off in 9 months. It will be easier now that winter has passed. I suppose I should be all deep and thoughtful and see the beauty of winter and the coming of spring but I don’t. Winters here are just cold and dark with never ending rain. Did you know that everyone here is majorly Vitamin D deficient unless they take 4000 i.u. of vitamin D daily? It’s not just Vitamin D. It’s also the lack of sunlight. Living in the dark for months at a time is depressing. Anyway, it’s sunny today and it makes all the difference.

Another thing. It’s chocolate hot cross bun time! Whoever came up with this brilliant idea needs a Noble Peace Prize. Is there one for food? There should be.

Tomorrow I am going to do my taxes. Yes I am. I will get back this year because I have my employer take off an extra $25.00 for each pay period. It won’t be much, a couple hundred dollars at the most but at least I won’t have to pay.

Well, that is it for now. Fuck Daylight Saving Time.

Thank you for all your emails and texts and comments while I was gone. xo

21

As per Amazon

“Humanized design, the side with a pen, scissors tools such as the small box.”

What the hell does that even mean? I was looking at cross-stitch tools.

22

Today I envy Norbert. He doesn’t work. He can sleep whenever he wants for as long as he wants. Today I would have liked to stay home and just relax. But it wasn’t all bad. One of the people I care for was having a really hard time. She had been in a serious car accident just after losing her husband. It’s getting to be too much. I get that. She’s youngish. She’s grieving. And the pain medications are not working to help relive the pain from the accident. She kept apologizing to me. I finally sat her down and asked her why she was apologizing and what was happening for her today. She’s just… lost. Her whole world is gone. She doesn’t know how to create a new life without her husband. And she feels immense guilt because she believes that allowing herself to grieve is not okay. I asked her what it would take for her to feel her grief is valid. How bad does it have to get? How much more does she have to go through? If a neighbour was dealing with all she had gone through this year, would she think that the neighbour should just be grateful for a roof over her head? She got my point. I encouraged her to just sit with her sadness. It’s okay. It’s okay to be angry and sad just as much as it’s okay to be happy and silly. We actually talked for about 45 minutes and when I left she felt better, she told me so. And I felt better because I connected in a deep and meaningful way with another human. When I left she looked beyond exhausted and she promised me she was going to have a nap.

I wish there was a way to opt-out of all news. Maybe a chip in my brain that turns off noise when anything news worthy comes on. Because Trump continues to be a fucking asshole and his followers will follow him blindly no matter what he does or says. Personally, I don’t give a shit about Tonya Harding. Okay, I did find the story of the runner hiding in port-a-potties funny. He was stripped of his medals and title. Cheating has never made sense to me. What’s the point? At any rate, along with stripping him of his titles he is banned from future events and they are “refunding his registration fee”. I’m sure the shame off all of it was manageable until his registration fee was refunded. That would have been his doing in. One question. Are the port-a-potties in the picture the actual port-a-potties he hid in or are they just stock photos?

I am so tired tonight. No desire to proofread. Good night lovelies.