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This calms my weary brain and aching soul. It brings this confusing life into focus. It makes this tilted world straight. Listen with headphones. If you don’t know me, this will tell you who I am more than a lifetime of blogging ever could.

20

Worse Mood Than Yesterday

Actually, I am at a one bar on the bad mood meter. I am in a foul and cranky mood today. Dinner guest was pleasant enough but didn’t lift a finger. Nor did she thank us for dinner.

And…

Trump. Kavanaugh. Cosby. Women being oppressed every single day that this planet has been spinning. Rain. Cold. Dark. Torn rotator cuff.

I feel so fucking old today. I look in the mirror and I just see old. Those of you who are older have to understand that this is the oldest I have ever been. When did all my hair turn grey? Why does my face look like a potato? Why do my hips ache? Why am I never not tired?

I miss my mom. Thanksgiving used to mean big family celebrations but now the family is scattered. When my mom died nobody told me that my (step) dad would be out of the country for 6 months of the year and when he is here he is going to be three hours away. Nobody told me that holidays were going to be spent alone. So. Fucking. Lonely.

Great. Now I am crying.

I just hate everything today. When my shoulder aches like it is right now I get so angry. I was raised to work hard. To leave everything better than I found it. To be good to your coworkers and help them no matter what. To respect management. In return, after I fell at work and tore my rotator cuff my employer hired a lawyer to fight my case to say I didn’t hurt it at work. I know I hurt it at work. I would bet the lives of my children on it. I never have expected praise or accolades for a job well done but I did expect a level playing field. I expected my employer to look after me if I hurt myself at work.

Today would be a good day for MJ oil but I am out and have been out for months because my antidepressant is working but today is just dark.

Even Norbert has abandoned me.

Fuck it. I’m going to eat brownies.

39

I am in a bloody awful mood. In the past I have mentioned certain company that invites herself for dinner. She only ever calls when she is passing through town and wants dinner. She always shows up late. It’s almost 6:00 and she isn’t here yet. In my world you ask what time dinner will be and show up accordingly. She never offers to bring anything. Even if she did I would say no but it’s just fucking polite to say, what can we bring? She never helps with tidying up. Just fucking rude. This is the third holiday she has wanted to come for dinner. Once she invited herself on Christmas Day. Christmas. Day. Yeah, sure. We don’t talk to you ever but come to our house on Christmas Day and we will cancel all our plans with our family and wait all fucking day for you to show up whenever you want. Another time she invited herself on Thanksgiving. I have had enough. Next time she invites herself we will meet her at a restaurant. She is my husband’s ex sister-in-law (his estranged brother’s ex-wife) and my husband wants to see his niece or I would not be cooking dinner at all. The part that pisses me off the most is she flirts with my husband.

It doesn’t help that my shoulder has been really sore the last 2 days. My tolerance for dealing with assholes is low. It’s hard to be nice when in pain.

It’s Thanksgiving here in Canada. Happy Thanksgiving! Even though I am a grumpy bitch I am so grateful for all I have. I am very thankful for all of you.

Addendum. We were just discussing strategies for making sure she never invites herself again.

I could clean Norbert’s litterbox, not wash my hands and serve dinner.

My husband could pee in the kitchen sink.

I could sit on the kitchen counter and cut my toenails. Big thick big toe nails and leave them there.

What ideas do you have?

18

This morning I woke up with the intention to clean and re-season all my cast iron pans. I spent about 5 hours in the kitchen cleaning. In the summer I always put the oven on self-clean but forgot to do it this summer so I did it today because it was so nice out. While the oven was cleaning itself I made garden fresh spaghetti sauce. I was making it in my Instant Pot. As you can see my counters and cupboards are quite high compared to me so halfway through making the sauce I got a stool to stand on.

Here.

One hour of my life summed up in 30 seconds. I was in the kitchen four more hours after this.

When I opened the freezer I noticed that the wall on the left was dirty so I wiped it down. That led to the entire fridge and freezer being emptied and scrubbed inside and out. This is my newest and most amazing cleaner I have ever used. It even cleaned the inside glass on my oven door that has been filthy for years. It’s shining!

1 cup dish soap (I used Palmolive because it was on sale at Costco.)

1 cup cleaning vinegar

Mix well and put in a spray bottle. Other people use regular vinegar but I figured if I was going to clean I might as well make it worth the effort. What I love about this is it is about 98% okay for the environment. I also use it to clean my bathtub and shower and it works amazingly well. Better than Scrubbing Bubbles.

When I was cleaning out fridge there were a few things in there that were somehow shoved to the back and a little questionable.

What else? We took the curtains down in the living room and shook them outside and hung them in the sun. They are now back where they belong. And I made brownies that are so delicious. I use the Costco brownie mix but don’t follow the recipe and use whole milk instead of water and 2 eggs instead of one and 1/3 cup oil. They are so good!

The cast iron never did get cleaned and re-seasoned. And I am tired.

The rag on my head is because I am a shedder.

18

It’s been another busy day at Birdie’s Nest. This morning I cleaned the bathroom using a mixture of 1 part dish soap and 1 part cleaning vinegar. Holy moly did it ever get the bathtub clean! Sparkling and squeaky clean. I am now a convert. That means the Srubbing Bubbles will be replaced and now I can say we have no toxic chemicals in our home with the exception of bleach which I use if someone has been sick. I also use a capful when rinsing dishes since our dishwasher is still broken.

And then I made this. ┬áIt is quite possibly the most delicious thing I ever made. Tomato and basil soup, both from our garden. As usual, I didn’t follow a recipe. I going to have to try to remember what I did so I can make it again. It’s so good I could bottle it.

There is still a bed to change and some dusting but I am feeling unmotivated today. We received a letter about my daughters diagnosis and I felt my heart fall out for me again. She has this. And no, I don’t want to discuss it.

I feel like I am getting a cold. Or maybe I am just worn out. There is really no reason to be physically worn out but I am. Here’s s tidbit. I don’t know how to deal with my daughter being unwell. It’s fucking scary and horrible. I have no control over what’s happening. She is truly a great kid. She is so kind and awesome and funny. She is in constant pain and yet still works 40 to 50 hours a week. I love her so much. There are no words to tell anyone the depth of my love for her. I will take this fucking disease so she can just have the beautiful life she was meant to have and deserves. When she was a baby she was sick for the first several years of her life. She was a tiny wee thing in the 3rd percentile. I put her in highland dancing to help her with her core strength and muscle tone. She worked so hard at it. Look at her legs. You can tell she is strong. But even dancing is being taken away from her because she is in so much pain.

There I discussed it.

19

I am so tried that lifting my fingers to write this is taking effort. There is no reason to be this tired. It was a busy day but the busyness does not equal the exhaustion. I mowed the lawn and vacuumed all the window sills of dead summer flies and swept and washed the floor and did a load of laundry and hung it up. I packed up more summer stuff from outside and put it away. That’s it.

Ha. I wrote that yesterday and was too tired to continue.

It is rain, rain, raining today. Cold and rainy. I had planned to go to church today but decided to stay home. It makes me happy to finally go to a church where I don’t get in trouble if I don’t show up. Instead of going to church I stayed in my comfy sweats all day and watched Little House on the Prairie. When I was sitting I started thinking about all the apples I still have and decided to make a pie. I have never made a pie before except once with one of those frozen pastries you buy at the grocery store. The last time I made an actual pastry was when I was 17 in cooking class. That was 30 years ago. Let me tell you this. Pastry is not my thing and I almost failed the final cooking project because it was a pastry. It worked out after much fussing and I did get an A in the class but that pastry was almost the ruin of a perfect grade. I didn’t try pastry again until today. So far it appears to have turned out but I haven’t tasted it yet. It looks more or less like a pie but not fancy like expert pastry chefs can do. One thing I didn’t know is that making your own pastry takes a bo-billion dishes and the dishes take way more time than the making of it.

I have to words on the Kavanaugh thing. I will just say it is triggering me with emotions that I do not want to deal with today.

Here is a fact that you don’t know. If I won the lottery I would fill my basement with a train set that would go through each room and have the miniature village to go with it. So there ya go. Now you can say you learn something everyday.