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Husband is out of town and I have been puttering about. I cut my bangs myself and they don’t look horrible. It probably would have been a good idea to go to the person who usually cuts my hair but that would mean going out. I hate going out. I also reseasoned all my cast iron which I intended to do on Saturday but didn’t get to it until today. They are currently cooling in the oven.

What else? Yesterday my son and I went out to practice his driving. He is getting very good and I will not worry about him. He is a very careful and thoughtful person. He always has been. This was the boy that would stand at the coffee table at two years old and do 100 piece puzzles. He would work on them for hours. After driving we came back to my place I had turned on Little House on the Prairie. Now, when my kids were little I could not afford cable TV so all we had were DVD’s. Little House on the Prairie were some of the DVD’s we had and we watched them over and over and over again. Even though he is an adult he wanted to watch a couple of episodes with me. See? Is this the type of person that will drive recklessly?

Our neighbour is mowing her lawn. I need to do ours. It has been raining but there’s also been a lot of sun so it’s growing really fast. It needs to be cut at least one more time before I won’t need to do it again until spring. I am fussy about the lawn. It’s the first thing you see when you look at a house and I like the lawn to look nice.

Tonight I’m going to my woman’s support group for women who have experienced abuse and trauma. I love this group. It starts with a discussion on a topic like self-care or safety or gratitude. Then we do an art project. It’s the best part of my week even though it involves going out.

Do you remember when I mentioned that my daughter is now dating a boy that she used to be friends with when they were small? His mom must have taken this picture. They are about 5 here. I look at this picture and forget how tiny she was. She looks like she is closer to 3. She was in the 3rd percentile for years. My god, wasn’t she cute? So was her boyfriend. Awww!

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This calms my weary brain and aching soul. It brings this confusing life into focus. It makes this tilted world straight. Listen with headphones. If you don’t know me, this will tell you who I am more than a lifetime of blogging ever could.

20

Worse Mood Than Yesterday

Actually, I am at a one bar on the bad mood meter. I am in a foul and cranky mood today. Dinner guest was pleasant enough but didn’t lift a finger. Nor did she thank us for dinner.

And…

Trump. Kavanaugh. Cosby. Women being oppressed every single day that this planet has been spinning. Rain. Cold. Dark. Torn rotator cuff.

I feel so fucking old today. I look in the mirror and I just see old. Those of you who are older have to understand that this is the oldest I have ever been. When did all my hair turn grey? Why does my face look like a potato? Why do my hips ache? Why am I never not tired?

I miss my mom. Thanksgiving used to mean big family celebrations but now the family is scattered. When my mom died nobody told me that my (step) dad would be out of the country for 6 months of the year and when he is here he is going to be three hours away. Nobody told me that holidays were going to be spent alone. So. Fucking. Lonely.

Great. Now I am crying.

I just hate everything today. When my shoulder aches like it is right now I get so angry. I was raised to work hard. To leave everything better than I found it. To be good to your coworkers and help them no matter what. To respect management. In return, after I fell at work and tore my rotator cuff my employer hired a lawyer to fight my case to say I didn’t hurt it at work. I know I hurt it at work. I would bet the lives of my children on it. I never have expected praise or accolades for a job well done but I did expect a level playing field. I expected my employer to look after me if I hurt myself at work.

Today would be a good day for MJ oil but I am out and have been out for months because my antidepressant is working but today is just dark.

Even Norbert has abandoned me.

Fuck it. I’m going to eat brownies.

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I am in a bloody awful mood. In the past I have mentioned certain company that invites herself for dinner. She only ever calls when she is passing through town and wants dinner. She always shows up late. It’s almost 6:00 and she isn’t here yet. In my world you ask what time dinner will be and show up accordingly. She never offers to bring anything. Even if she did I would say no but it’s just fucking polite to say, what can we bring? She never helps with tidying up. Just fucking rude. This is the third holiday she has wanted to come for dinner. Once she invited herself on Christmas Day. Christmas. Day. Yeah, sure. We don’t talk to you ever but come to our house on Christmas Day and we will cancel all our plans with our family and wait all fucking day for you to show up whenever you want. Another time she invited herself on Thanksgiving. I have had enough. Next time she invites herself we will meet her at a restaurant. She is my husband’s ex sister-in-law (his estranged brother’s ex-wife) and my husband wants to see his niece or I would not be cooking dinner at all. The part that pisses me off the most is she flirts with my husband.

It doesn’t help that my shoulder has been really sore the last 2 days. My tolerance for dealing with assholes is low. It’s hard to be nice when in pain.

It’s Thanksgiving here in Canada. Happy Thanksgiving! Even though I am a grumpy bitch I am so grateful for all I have. I am very thankful for all of you.

Addendum. We were just discussing strategies for making sure she never invites herself again.

I could clean Norbert’s litterbox, not wash my hands and serve dinner.

My husband could pee in the kitchen sink.

I could sit on the kitchen counter and cut my toenails. Big thick big toe nails and leave them there.

What ideas do you have?

18

This morning I woke up with the intention to clean and re-season all my cast iron pans. I spent about 5 hours in the kitchen cleaning. In the summer I always put the oven on self-clean but forgot to do it this summer so I did it today because it was so nice out. While the oven was cleaning itself I made garden fresh spaghetti sauce. I was making it in my Instant Pot. As you can see my counters and cupboards are quite high compared to me so halfway through making the sauce I got a stool to stand on.

Here.

One hour of my life summed up in 30 seconds. I was in the kitchen four more hours after this.

When I opened the freezer I noticed that the wall on the left was dirty so I wiped it down. That led to the entire fridge and freezer being emptied and scrubbed inside and out. This is my newest and most amazing cleaner I have ever used. It even cleaned the inside glass on my oven door that has been filthy for years. It’s shining!

1 cup dish soap (I used Palmolive because it was on sale at Costco.)

1 cup cleaning vinegar

Mix well and put in a spray bottle. Other people use regular vinegar but I figured if I was going to clean I might as well make it worth the effort. What I love about this is it is about 98% okay for the environment. I also use it to clean my bathtub and shower and it works amazingly well. Better than Scrubbing Bubbles.

When I was cleaning out fridge there were a few things in there that were somehow shoved to the back and a little questionable.

What else? We took the curtains down in the living room and shook them outside and hung them in the sun. They are now back where they belong. And I made brownies that are so delicious. I use the Costco brownie mix but don’t follow the recipe and use whole milk instead of water and 2 eggs instead of one and 1/3 cup oil. They are so good!

The cast iron never did get cleaned and re-seasoned. And I am tired.

The rag on my head is because I am a shedder.

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It’s been another busy day at Birdie’s Nest. This morning I cleaned the bathroom using a mixture of 1 part dish soap and 1 part cleaning vinegar. Holy moly did it ever get the bathtub clean! Sparkling and squeaky clean. I am now a convert. That means the Srubbing Bubbles will be replaced and now I can say we have no toxic chemicals in our home with the exception of bleach which I use if someone has been sick. I also use a capful when rinsing dishes since our dishwasher is still broken.

And then I made this. ┬áIt is quite possibly the most delicious thing I ever made. Tomato and basil soup, both from our garden. As usual, I didn’t follow a recipe. I going to have to try to remember what I did so I can make it again. It’s so good I could bottle it.

There is still a bed to change and some dusting but I am feeling unmotivated today. We received a letter about my daughters diagnosis and I felt my heart fall out for me again. She has this. And no, I don’t want to discuss it.

I feel like I am getting a cold. Or maybe I am just worn out. There is really no reason to be physically worn out but I am. Here’s s tidbit. I don’t know how to deal with my daughter being unwell. It’s fucking scary and horrible. I have no control over what’s happening. She is truly a great kid. She is so kind and awesome and funny. She is in constant pain and yet still works 40 to 50 hours a week. I love her so much. There are no words to tell anyone the depth of my love for her. I will take this fucking disease so she can just have the beautiful life she was meant to have and deserves. When she was a baby she was sick for the first several years of her life. She was a tiny wee thing in the 3rd percentile. I put her in highland dancing to help her with her core strength and muscle tone. She worked so hard at it. Look at her legs. You can tell she is strong. But even dancing is being taken away from her because she is in so much pain.

There I discussed it.