Worse Mood Than Yesterday

Actually, I am at a one bar on the bad mood meter. I am in a foul and cranky mood today. Dinner guest was pleasant enough but didn’t lift a finger. Nor did she thank us for dinner.

And…

Trump. Kavanaugh. Cosby. Women being oppressed every single day that this planet has been spinning. Rain. Cold. Dark. Torn rotator cuff.

I feel so fucking old today. I look in the mirror and I just see old. Those of you who are older have to understand that this is the oldest I have ever been. When did all my hair turn grey? Why does my face look like a potato? Why do my hips ache? Why am I never not tired?

I miss my mom. Thanksgiving used to mean big family celebrations but now the family is scattered. When my mom died nobody told me that my (step) dad would be out of the country for 6 months of the year and when he is here he is going to be three hours away. Nobody told me that holidays were going to be spent alone. So. Fucking. Lonely.

Great. Now I am crying.

I just hate everything today. When my shoulder aches like it is right now I get so angry. I was raised to work hard. To leave everything better than I found it. To be good to your coworkers and help them no matter what. To respect management. In return, after I fell at work and tore my rotator cuff my employer hired a lawyer to fight my case to say I didn’t hurt it at work. I know I hurt it at work. I would bet the lives of my children on it. I never have expected praise or accolades for a job well done but I did expect a level playing field. I expected my employer to look after me if I hurt myself at work.

Today would be a good day for MJ oil but I am out and have been out for months because my antidepressant is working but today is just dark.

Even Norbert has abandoned me.

Fuck it. I’m going to eat brownies.

20 thoughts on “Worse Mood Than Yesterday

    • You know what? I forgot all about them and watched Little House on the Prairie instead. Mary’s daily misery can make anyone feel better. It just keeps getting worse for her.

  1. It’s the aftermath of that houseguest. Tomorrow will likely be a better day. Any chance a horse dose of anti-inflammatories (i.e. prescription) would help the shoulder a bit? You’ve probably pursued that already. Brownies. Heat them up a little and sidedress with vanilla ice cream. Happiness. -Jenn

    • I was taking major doses of anti-inflammatories but I am worried the side effects. I take a lot of magnesium and have Epsom salts baths. Mostly I just live with it. Most days it’s tolerable but the last few days, not so much.

  2. I ran into an old friend today and I could tell she was in pain and she HAS been in pain for quite awhile. She could hardly move her head and although I did not see her walk, I know that it must be a sort of torture for her. And yet, we chatted, we laughed, and I said, “Well, as I keep saying, WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE THIS LONG!” and she laughed some more. She has worked so very hard in her life, always. Physical labor. She has been strong all of her life and our bodies just can’t take but so many years of that. You are still relatively young, Birdie, but you have worked so hard. You have lifted people and cleaned their houses and been a mother and you have used your muscles and your heart and your soul. And after awhile, things just hurt. Do whatever you can to alleviate that pain. Go get some more MJ oil. If it helps- it is good for you. Okay?

    • My physical body has served me well. I am thankful for it. It actually amazes me because it is strong whereas my emotional body is so cracked and bruised and broken.

  3. I feel the same way. How did I get so old? Why is my hair so grey? Why is my face so wrinkled? And why do my hips hurt so much?

    I’m glad dinner wasn’t a complete bust. And brownies always help. And cookies. And cinnamon scones. I may have a sweet tooth:)

    Sending hugs.

  4. These big family holidays really aren’t what they are cracked up to be, are they? I’m hardening my heart in anticipation of the coming holiday season in the U.S. The expectations are absurd. And I weigh more than I ever have at this point, so I am terrified of the sugar frenzy.

  5. Many many years ago I worked with a woman who at the end of our shift (second shift – 3-11 p,m.) would say “I’m tired, mean and hateful and I want to go HOME.” I have to say we must live in parallel universes. The political awfulness, my back ache, trying to cook and we’re going to SO’s family gathering on Sunday. Ugh – good food and several just, well difficult, people. Keep thinking I’ll have my appendix put back in. I won’t say hang in there because when someone says that I am even more grumpy. So I am having a glass of my homemade lemoncello (yummy), making a comfort casserole with chicken and rice and mushrooms and planning on heading into the bedroom to watch something British and total escape.

Come, let us reason together... Isaiah 1:18 (Comment moderation is on.)

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