I have been canning. Oh, yes I have. Today I finally got some pears done. 9 hours of work and 7 jars to show for it. 7. Okay, that is a lie. It was about 2 1/2 hours of work and 7 jars. Maybe it will be like making kombucha and I will get faster over time but right now I am absolutely exhausted and don’t want to move again until bedtime.

Yesterday I made salsa. Again… so much work for only 5 jars. But the recipe is delicious and it works out so cheap. Unfortunately, I didn’t process the jars properly and will have to empty all the jars out into freezer bags but I am not too upset. Making mistakes is a required part of learning. And that there shows that I have grown in the last 20 years because that would have had me in tears before and I never would have tried again.

Here is a funny Norbert story. When my husband was away I had gone to bed and couldn’t find my eyedrops. I figured they were on the floor and decided to look. At night I take off my pretty comforter because I don’t want it ruined and when I moved it there was a huge spider. I was going to catch and release it but when I came back with the cup it was gone. So I emailed my husband who was 2 hours away. This is the email I sent him.

Actually, I am not really afraid of spiders but I would have liked to have known where it went. Eventually I went to sleep. But the next day I woke up to this!

img_1944

Norbert, the very good and awesome cat hadn’t fled, he had chased it and killed it. He obviously had fun with it because it was almost as far away from my bedroom as it could get. Yay, Norbert! I gave him so many kisses which made him angry but I was so proud of him.

What else? A few nights back I was looking up Spanx because I wanted to know what all the excitement is about. Dear sweet mother of god. Are you kidding me? How do you get it off to go to the bathroom? I was looking at the pictures and though the model is smiling you can tell what she is really thinking.

“You will have to wait 45 minutes to have sex. I need to cut this Spanx off with scissors and will have to wait for the welts to disappear and for the blood to flow back into my legs. And oh yes, I actually weigh 417 pounds.

That thong underneath will need to be removed with brute force and pliers.

“I haven’t urinated in 22 1/2 hours and I think my kidneys have shut down.”

25 thoughts on “

  1. Birdie, oh Birdie. I have been really sick with my gastropareses and this, this here post of yours had me laughing so hard I forgot about how down it gets me. I have tears running down my face. The sex line was about the funniest thing I ever read. And my God, if you have a body for a thong, do you really need to wear Spanx?🤣🤣🤣 You might be in the wrong profession, my dear! Thank you!

  2. BWAAHAHAhahaahahahaaahahahaha! You could write some damned funny Spanx memes. I died when you said the thong would have to be removed by brute force and pliers. That was just too funny. What gets me is that the women who really don’t need to wear them, do.

    • I have come to a point in my life where if outing requires Spanx or Lycra I would rather just stay home. Nothing is worth being not being able to go to the bathroom until you get home.

  3. Norbert is one brave ungrateful bastard! I’m stealing that spider meme, by the way. And man, I thought girdles back in the day were bad — apparently they have nothing on today’s Spanx! Why do we women torture ourselves so?

  4. Yeah. The lady in the thong really needs to wear Spanx. Oh brother. I’m impressed with your canning efforts. I like the IDEA of canning, but I can’t see I have any desire to actually DO it.

  5. I just sent you something……and in my mind I can things too. But in real life, I go to the store and buy them. Its the best I can do most days. You are nothing short of amazing!

    • Having grandiose plans pretty much summed up my life until now. These days I have no more fucks to give and don’t try to many new things. The big difference is I only try things I am actually interested in and not what I think I should be interested in.

  6. Spanx? Whoever thought it up is a very, very sick puppy. As are the women who wear it.
    No. Hell no. Expletive no.
    I am still snickering at your very truthful commentary though.
    And way to go on the canning.

    • The person who invented Spanx probably weighs 102 pounds and is 5’11. But the question is, why do women wear it? If a man wore Spanx and got caught he would be ridiculed for the rest of his life because it’s so completely ridiculous to wear something so tight and uncomfortable just to look 1/2 size smaller. I do think women are usually smarter than men but not always.

      • True. Stilleto heels are another case in point. Painful feet AND they throw your back/hips out.
        I am close to 5’11’ (but it is decades since I weighed 102 pounds). Back in the day I wore heels, and a three inch heel made me 6’2. These days if I am forced to wear shoes they are flat.

      • We are close to the same height. And have been squabbling for forty years over which of us it taller. At 15 I was five foot and half an inch. I wanted (so much) to be five foot two. I was briefly. I grew eight inches that year, and another two and three-quarters the following year. Height I have. Nothing else it remotely supermodel like.

  7. Funny commentary Birdie. I think you could write a comedy show! Wearing one of those must be like torture. I confess I did wear one once for a wedding. It made me feel claustrophobic and I wanted to rip it off all day and did so at a convenient point. Never again! I actually don’t think it made me look any different really. Maybe my expectations of it were too high. Lol

    Your canning is making me want to get creative with food too. I did some a few years ago when we had produce from the allotment and garden. Usually I am too busy working.

    So happy that Norbert helped it with the spider. It is getting to spider season here so I will be enlisting the help of Bigcat if he can be bothered to move.

    • Your cat is called Bigcat? I LOVE that name. I probably already knew this but forgot. The fun of getting older is forgetting things you already knew and then laughing at them again. And again.

  8. I recently saw the most hilarious YouTube video of a woman trying to put on her spanx. I need them but don’t own any because of the pain I am sure would ensue. My dogs are good spider hunters too.

    • That is the same video that got me thinking about Spanx. She made me laugh so hard. When she said her belly button looked like a small vagina! 😂😂😂

  9. Too funny! I don’t wear heels anymore because I have arthritis in my feet. I wouldn’t be able to get Spanx on, not that I would want to, because I have arthritis in my hands. I don’t care anymore what I look like. The big guy thinks I look just fine as I am and that works for me. I like being over fifty, cough, cough, almost sixty:)

    • Comfort above all else. And sensible shoes are best. I have a friend that buys Jimmy SomethingOrOther high heels. #1 Too Expensive. #2 WHY? Whhhhy?

  10. Spanx! No way. That is absolute torture. You probably boil to death in that material and I’m already suffering enough with menopause 🙂

    Norbert is very brave. Cats are the absolute best at keeping a house free of uninvited guests.

  11. I have always had a rule that I do not wear undergarments that I’d be embarrassed to be seen taking off. And then I had fat grafting with my reconstruction and had to wear compression undergarments for two weeks. HATED them. I don’t understand how or why women wear things like that routinely.

Comments are closed.