Oh, but I am tried today. Feeling that end of summer melancholy. But mostly September is the anniversary of my mom’s death. Even though it’s been 7 years, I cant believe it’s been 7 years, it’s still so hard this missing her. It’s not any easier. They, whoever they are, say that the 7 year mark is when it gets easier. It doesn’t. I just miss her more. After all this time I can’t come to terms with the awful fact that she isn’t here anymore. Where is she? Dead is so fucking final. I hate that. I need her.

Norbert sitting on my lap in last evening.

The last few days have been so lovely. The temperature has been in the bearable 20’s. The nights are cool. Kids went back to school on the 4th and it’s so quiet everywhere. Today I pulled out my SAD lamp and am dedicated to using it this year. Now that I won’t have to get up at 6:00/6:30 in the morning I am suspecting my depression and anxiety will be more manageable. If you don’t know what I’m talking about read my previous post.

As you can see from the bathing suits hanging on the railing, we went swimming yesterday at the dam and might go again today. It was so cold but worth it. I love floating, looking up at the sky and just breathing in the perfection. This will likely be the last swim for this year.

We had company for lunch today and I have just cleaned up and all the dishes are washed and put away. This week the toilet and our kettle broke. And because things happen in threes my hot tub stopped working altogether. No power to it at all. When I turn on the circuit breaker it flicks off again. This is the biggest first world problem ever. I know. And I am spoiled and selfish.

That’s it for me. So tired and in a light blue sort of mood.

21 thoughts on “

  1. Grief works to its own time, and its own agenda. I don’t think we EVER get over a big grief either. We just (mostly) find a way to live with the new reality. And it still sometimes digs its bony claws into our hearts.
    Love Norbert stretched out at his ease.
    Huge hugs.

  2. It took a while before I got over my dad’s passing. It’s been 18 years now. I usually bake something and get over it. Time passes.

  3. I never tell anyone that it gets easier, because for me it hasn’t. My mom’s been gone 13 years. I just find the longer I go without seeing or talking with her, the more I miss her. It’s not every day or every week but when that God I Want Mom feeling hits, it hits as hard as ever. My aunt, whose mom has been gone more than 20 years, says sometimes she’ll open up a recipe book and see her mom’s handwriting and start to cry. Maybe we never stop missing our mothers. And why would we? -Kate

    • I know that feeling. So very well. Things can be going great but then all of a sudden they aren’t and the need for my mom rolls over me like a tsunami. All I want is her. She knew how to make it better. Always.

  4. My brother drowned in 2001. Although I no longer necessarily notice the date when it rolls around, my body knows. It’s a day that inevitably I feel blue and then I remember why.

  5. Oh, Birdie, I so agree with you. We get used to being without them but we never stop aching for those we’ve lost. Be kind to yourself xo

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