The last few days I have been sad. It is sad veering on depression. It is always the same story. Trying to fit into this world. Trying to have a voice. Trying to not be afraid. If I use my voice there are repercussions. If I keep quiet I grow resentment. Today I am feeling paralyzed. Like none of this is worth it. Yeah. Maybe not sad but depressed. Again. Or still. Trying to find my horizon.

When I am in a good place I wonder how I could ever want to give up and end it all. But when I am in this dark place it just feels so bad and I don’t know how many more times I can go through this. I have explained the analogy before for how it is me and depression. It’s like waiting for a huge, black vicious dog to show up. You see him in your neighbourhood all the time. He never leaves the neighbourhood. A lot of times he is on your street and walks in front of your house. Then he comes into your yard. And you know that he is coming. You know that this time he is coming for you. You try to keep him away but after years of going through this you know it’s a fruitless and hopeless endeavour. Before you know it you are sitting on your couch and he has his jaws around your neck. And you wonder if this is the time that he is going to win. Will this be the attack that kills me?

16 thoughts on “

  1. No! This is not it. You are too much of a gift of love in this world. I have felt soul-killing depression. I know what it’s like tho I had never heard the black dog comparison before I met you. For me it’s more like wanting to quietly sink into a hole and disappear. You do a service by talking about this. It helps people to not feel so alone. Please know it’s temporary. Please don’t give up. I love you, Birdie.

  2. Heart felt hugs.
    For me, depression feels more like a concrete cloud. Weighing down on me. Preventing me from moving, from breathing…
    However the soul-sucking beast materialises it is a brute. And dangerous. And a very skilled liar.

  3. Fucking dog. He whispers shit that isn’t true.

    I love your dear, tender heart, your colored hair, your purple glasses, your ability to care for others, your love for your kids, your vulnerable ability to share your pain and childhood and, of course, Norbert.

    Hold close to your heart your true value. I am so sorry he’s back.

    • You are another one, Angella. I know you know. I wish you didn’t. But since you do I am so grateful to have you in my corner. ❤️

  4. Breath, Birdie, just breath. This too shall pass, as it has before. Stay present. Grab Norbert whether he wants you to or not. Be outside, even if it’s on your porch. Hang in there sweet girl. -Jenn

    • I did spend some time outside to today and I am feeling a little lighter. I picked some hydrangeas for drying and sat outside with Norbert. And I went to 7-11 and got a Slurpee. Thank you, Jenn. xo 🌞

  5. I don’t think I have ever left a comment before, Birdie, but I am a regular visitor. Why? Because you write so beautifully and so honestly and I sense that you are an amazing woman in every sense of the word. You have integrity, you are inordinately compassionate and sensitive to the needs and feelings of others, you truly feel in a deep way that escapes so many. And it’s that that makes you so unique and special. I don’t know you in person, of course, but I hear your voice and feel your soul each time I visit.
    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better than you are feeling or to help you realise that you have an important contribution to make just by being exactly who you are! You are loved and admired and a valuable member of this crazy world of ours. The world needs more Birdies!

    • Desiree, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am very sensitive. Most of my life people have told me that I am too sensitive. It’s a double-edged sword. Sometimes it feels like my sensitivity benefits everyone but me. I am sure of one thing though. If there is any chance of all of saving this crazy planet it will be through love and compassion.
      Thanks again, Desiree. It’s people like you and and so many bloggers who take the time to care. That is what keeps me going. I know I am not alone.

Comments are closed.