The last few days I have been sad. It is sad veering on depression. It is always the same story. Trying to fit into this world. Trying to have a voice. Trying to not be afraid. If I use my voice there are repercussions. If I keep quiet I grow resentment. Today I am feeling paralyzed. Like none of this is worth it. Yeah. Maybe not sad but depressed. Again. Or still. Trying to find my horizon.
When I am in a good place I wonder how I could ever want to give up and end it all. But when I am in this dark place it just feels so bad and I don’t know how many more times I can go through this. I have explained the analogy before for how it is me and depression. It’s like waiting for a huge, black vicious dog to show up. You see him in your neighbourhood all the time. He never leaves the neighbourhood. A lot of times he is on your street and walks in front of your house. Then he comes into your yard. And you know that he is coming. You know that this time he is coming for you. You try to keep him away but after years of going through this you know it’s a fruitless and hopeless endeavour. Before you know it you are sitting on your couch and he has his jaws around your neck. And you wonder if this is the time that he is going to win. Will this be the attack that kills me?