I have not been to church in years. From the time I was very small, even before I could form thoughts, I was drawn to God. Or maybe Spirit is a better word. At 16, I had a born again experience. And it was so real. The scripture that drew me was, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” And it was. I felt clean and loved. Until I didn’t. Until I got told over and over that my righteousness was as filthy rags. That I got told that everyone was going to hell and I was likely headed there too unless I got with the program and stopped questioning. It became all consuming. To the point of being one of the reasons I have a major depressive disorder. There is no getting out of going to hell. No medication. No talk therapy. Just a tormenting life filled with darkness. So much darkness. The odd thing is, when I left the church, I missed the worship. Because that part was real. It was. I can’t explain it. It was just real. The Jesus I was drawn to in the beginning. The gentleman. A man who was a perfect and loving man who loved me so fucking much. And oh, how I loved Him.

It’s been years since I set foot in a church for any reason other than a funeral. Last night I decided to look up the Unity Church. Why? I don’t know. They believe many paths lead to God. That we are not born sinners. That we are enough. That we are worthy. That we are powerful. So I reluctantly went this morning. The moment I walked in I started to cry. And the welcome! I must have been hugged 20 times. The reverend was a woman. That alone is a breath of fresh air. They support the LGBTQ community. My old church never would have done that. These people didn’t look sad or angry or judgemental. I was… loved. I felt loved. Accepted. Accepted. Accepted.

In other news, I joined Tai Chi. Another time this month where I have found my people. Do you know there are no tests in Tai Chi? I have been in Judo and Kung Fu and hated both because of the tests. And in Tai Chi you can’t ruminate on your problems (not that I do that) when you are doing a set. It is all focus on what you are doing.

Tonight I am taking the flannel sheets off the bed and putting on cotton. They are hanging on the line right now. Ahhh, bliss.

Here’s some Norbert porn for those who asked. Laying on my good lace cardigan. (sigh)

 

Addendum- I just removed the lace cardigan. The look on his face was a burning, white hot, furious look of total hatred. Then he fell back to sleep.

 

16 thoughts on “

  1. Birdie – I am glad the Unity church experience was so good. I like universalism. Norbert on your lace … I can relate… be kind to your beautiful self. You are so loved. Let that in. I love you. Happy mom’s day! Joanne

  2. Hi Birdie, I hope you will be able to find a new spiritual home in the Unity Church. There’s one here in Edmonton too. I am a big fan of spiritual progressiveness! And glad to hear you’re doing tai chi too! There’s a lot to learn in it but hey, everyone’s on their own timetable and journey insofar as I can tell — I don’t sweat it too much, I figure I will learn it all eventually over the next few years if I keep at it, lol. I don’t need to be perfect!

  3. There is nothing better than that feeling of being loved and belonging. I’m glad you found a great group of people. Tai chi sounds very relaxing.

  4. I’m glad to hear you have found two new things to focus on and make you feel good! This post seems very hopeful and light! (apart from Norbert’s silent rage). -Jenn

  5. Thanks for the Norbert porn. Your description of his rage made me laugh out loud. I changed the sheets from flannal to cotton last week and now I find that I want to loll about on the blessedly cool and soft cotton sheets all day. Little things are life changing I tell ya! I hope you continue to find peace and love in your new church home. I’m not Unitarian but I also believe that there are many paths to God and Jesus. Good to hear from you friend. I miss you when you take your blogging breaks. xxxooo

  6. So glad you found a loving caring church congregation. It’s so hard to find people like that in this day and age. Oh, hanging bed linens out to dry. How I long to hang clothes again. We don’t have the room in our yard. everything is taken up by veggie gardens and flowers. *sigh

  7. Hi Birdie 🙂 You sound very happy to have found your new church, I hope it fulfills you! Finding our spirituality is such a journey…I lean more towards Paganism and it really makes me feel whole, I love it. 🙂 Nice photo of Norbert!! I did Tai Chi for a little while back in the day and really enjoyed it!

  8. Dear Birdie, I am so happy for you. To find a home at Unity and to find a meditative practice like Tai Chi is to discover, I think, a way of being gracious and loving toward yourself. I am glad you are being so good to yourself. Peace ever and always.

  9. Exactly what I didn’t like about piano recitals and karate: tests, competition, and an audience.

    I’ve no patience now for any religion that tries to influence through instilling fear instead of displaying what love and respect looks like. Glad you’ve found something GOOD.

    -Kate

  10. Both of these experiences sound just what you are needing right now. I am often drawn to contemplate going to church again and seeking a community there. This is odd as i do not believe in the traditional way in a God.

    I have sought community and a sense of belonging in Buddhism and in the Quaker church but only very half heartedly. It often feels I don’t belong anywhere and don’t know how to be with other humans, I am impatient of conventions and also feel I have nothing to offer. I have tried Tai chi also and lacked the discipline and patience to stick at it. Maybe I want things to be too easy and can’t make a commitment.

    So glad that these are helping you Birdie. They do sound just what you are needing and you deserve to find that sense of belonging and acceptance and peace. I maybe need to challenge myself a little bit in order to find this too.

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