I have not been to church in years. From the time I was very small, even before I could form thoughts, I was drawn to God. Or maybe Spirit is a better word. At 16, I had a born again experience. And it was so real. The scripture that drew me was, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” And it was. I felt clean and loved. Until I didn’t. Until I got told over and over that my righteousness was as filthy rags. That I got told that everyone was going to hell and I was likely headed there too unless I got with the program and stopped questioning. It became all consuming. To the point of being one of the reasons I have a major depressive disorder. There is no getting out of going to hell. No medication. No talk therapy. Just a tormenting life filled with darkness. So much darkness. The odd thing is, when I left the church, I missed the worship. Because that part was real. It was. I can’t explain it. It was just real. The Jesus I was drawn to in the beginning. The gentleman. A man who was a perfect and loving man who loved me so fucking much. And oh, how I loved Him.
It’s been years since I set foot in a church for any reason other than a funeral. Last night I decided to look up the Unity Church. Why? I don’t know. They believe many paths lead to God. That we are not born sinners. That we are enough. That we are worthy. That we are powerful. So I reluctantly went this morning. The moment I walked in I started to cry. And the welcome! I must have been hugged 20 times. The reverend was a woman. That alone is a breath of fresh air. They support the LGBTQ community. My old church never would have done that. These people didn’t look sad or angry or judgemental. I was… loved. I felt loved. Accepted. Accepted. Accepted.
In other news, I joined Tai Chi. Another time this month where I have found my people. Do you know there are no tests in Tai Chi? I have been in Judo and Kung Fu and hated both because of the tests. And in Tai Chi you can’t ruminate on your problems (not that I do that) when you are doing a set. It is all focus on what you are doing.
Tonight I am taking the flannel sheets off the bed and putting on cotton. They are hanging on the line right now. Ahhh, bliss.
Here’s some Norbert porn for those who asked. Laying on my good lace cardigan. (sigh)
Addendum- I just removed the lace cardigan. The look on his face was a burning, white hot, furious look of total hatred. Then he fell back to sleep.