Well, it’s been a brutal few months. There is something this time around that is different and I can’t put my finger on it. A general hopelessness. “Been there, done that”. I have dealt with depression for so long, pretty much my whole life and this time is a time of reckoning, wondering if this is it for me. Is this the way the rest of my life is going to be. Over the years I have tried so many medications and
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
vitamin supplements so many different vitamins! B6, B12, Folic acid, Iron, Magnesium, Fish oil, Inositol, Choline…
herbal remedies St. John’s wort, valerian root… meh. I don’t want to list them all.
reading books on depression, probably 100 different books if not more
giving up caffeine
stress reduction techniques
and the opposite, volunteering
watching funny movies
changing my sleep habits
keeping a routine
trying new routines
giving up alcohol even though I only drink a glass of wine of beer a few times a year
Fuck. Do I need to go on? How about I don’t.
Anyway, this time around is different. There is a new heaviness. An exhaustion. I am seeing a new doctor and just started yet another new medication. I am also in a new support group that teaches empowerment and also an art therapy group. I’m on a wait list for the second round to deal with PTSD which I never really considered before other than a quick glance at the possibility but the therapist at the place I go to says differently. Yes. My childhood was awful but didn’t we all have a terrible childhood? I know that I only ever knew terror but I fail to see the impact it has today. Or maybe I don’t want to.
Anyway, I thought I would post today because today is okay. What makes okay days? Why are some days lighter? For no apparent reason there is no anxiety today and the depression is manageable. Odd because today would have been my mom’s birthday and I should feel sad but don’t. Or maybe I feel sad but not depressed.
Well, I have a crossword waiting. I mowed the front lawn today and might go mow the back. Or not. Sorry I have been a crappy blogging friend. I’m reading your posts, just not commenting.