Well, it’s been a brutal few months. There is something this time around that is different and I can’t put my finger on it. A general hopelessness. “Been there, done that”. I have dealt with depression for so long, pretty much my whole life and this time is a time of reckoning, wondering if this is it for me. Is this the way the rest of my life is going to be. Over the years I have tried so many medications and

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Mindfulness

vitamin supplements so many different vitamins! B6, B12, Folic acid, Iron, Magnesium, Fish oil, Inositol, Choline…

herbal remedies St. John’s wort, valerian root… meh. I don’t want to list them all.

probiotics

exercise

yoga

meditation

different diets

support groups

counselling

reading books on depression, probably 100 different books if not more

giving up caffeine

journaling

stress reduction techniques

self-care

and the opposite, volunteering

watching funny movies

SAD lamps

changing my sleep habits

losing weight

keeping a routine

trying new routines

goal setting

giving up alcohol even though I only drink a glass of wine of beer a few times a year

marijuana oil

grounding exercises

aromatherapy

acupuncture

music therapy

weighted blankets

Fuck. Do I need to go on? How about I don’t.

Anyway, this time around is different. There is a new heaviness. An exhaustion. I am seeing a new doctor and just started yet another new medication. I am also in a new support group that teaches empowerment and also an art therapy group. I’m on a wait list for the second round to deal with PTSD which I never really considered before other than a quick glance at the possibility but the therapist at the place I go to says differently. Yes. My childhood was awful but didn’t we all have a terrible childhood? I know that I only ever knew terror but I fail to see the impact it has today. Or maybe I don’t want to.

Anyway, I thought I would post today because today is okay. What makes okay days? Why are some days lighter? For no apparent reason there is no anxiety today and the depression is manageable. Odd because today would have been my mom’s birthday and I should feel sad but don’t. Or maybe I feel sad but not depressed.

 

Well, I have a crossword waiting. I mowed the front lawn today and might go mow the back. Or not. Sorry I have been a crappy blogging friend. I’m reading your posts, just not commenting.

18 thoughts on “

  1. I so wish you could find relief. My heart goes out to you. I don’t have the answer, but I sure hope you find it. Honestly, PTSD is so real. Fight or flight and all that. Let us know how it goes if you pursue that avenue. Tell Norbert he needs to provide more cat therapy!! -Jenn

  2. I think some people have truly awful childhoods that leave them scarred for life. I think some people are more resilient than others for a variety of reasons. I was never physically or sexually abused but the mental and verbal abuse left me with problems. I know I am not resilient, while my husband who dealt with similar kinds of problems growing up doesn’t suffer from depression at all. He is very resilient.

    We’re all different. Not only in what we experience but how that experience affects us.

    ” I know that I only ever knew terror but I fail to see the impact it has today.” Children are not supposed to feel terror at home. Home and family is supposed to be a safe, accepting place. A place of love. So yeah, it would pretty much impact every thing in your life.

    I’m glad you’re having a good day today. Me too:)

  3. Birdie, I relate to your words now and at other times in my life. My heart goes out to yo because it’s a real sucky place to be. I wrote a gratitude list. Apologized for things I wanted to acknowledge my part in and am going to sleep. I now it will pass and that’s where my faith is. I love you.

  4. It’s always a relief to see you’ve posted, after a noticeable absence.
    I’m a relatively new reader to your blog, and don’t know your backstory. I only know that I care about you and that, as often happens when we care about someone in trouble, I feel helpless to help you.
    I didn’t see hypnosis on your list, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t tried it.
    Thanks for posting.
    -Kate

  5. I found myself almost giving advice … Writing a few ideas of things you could try. Then I stopped myself realizing that’s probably something you didn’t ask for and don’t need from me at this time, if ever.

    What if you didn’t feel or have this heaviness? What would your life be like? What would one small moment be like? Can you go there if only for a moment, and then a moment again, and then another moment? What does that moment look like … How does it feel? 💙

    My thoughts are with you in this moment … And almost every night as I crawl under my weighted blanket to sleep. 💤

  6. I’m so sorry you have having such a rough time. You sure have tried the lot! I have good and bad memories of being a child but most of my memories are good ones so, no, most people didn’t have a horrible childhood. But that didn’t stop me from having problems so one never really knows what makes a difference and what doesn’t. The only thing that has ever helped my mood is getting outside in nature, not just being outside but being outside where there are trees, birds and no people or cars. I just hike up the mountain a bit and sit on my rock where I can breath and my troubles go away for a little bit.

  7. You are not a crappy blogging friend at all. I’m just glad to see you are ok, I remember when I disappeared for among while you said you’d been worried. Whenever you disappear I worry of course, but know you are probably somewhere just looking after you as you just have no energy to come to the page. You often say things like….I could have written that….and today I really identify with much of what you are saying. Maybe I’ve not tried so many things but I’ve read as many self help books and had so many different types of counselling and therapy. I didn’t feel terror either I don’t think, and am just so angry for you that you did.

    I’ve been thinking of you and your Mum over the past day. Holding your hand across the inter webs.

    I’m a bit older than you and hope you can find some peace and a safe “place” for yourself because you deserve this, we all do, and sometimes it is all just too exhausting. Xx

  8. So many of us seem to be weighed down, with what to me feels like grief. I mourn for the childhood I didn’t have, the sort other people say they had. I mourn for the happiness I seem to have lost, I remember being happy, but can’t recapture it. The troubles of the world and humanity’s cruelty weigh me down. You are not alone in the way you feel, I just hope you manage to find a snippet of peace, and that it grows over time. x x x

  9. Dear Birdie, I’m thanking the Holy Oneness of All Creation for manifesting in your life what and who you most need. I don’t know what that is, but Oneness knows. And I always thank instead of ask because I want Oneness to know that I believe that “all shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be exceedingly well” as Julian of Norwich said many centuries ago.

    If this life-long problem is related to PTSD then truly you may be able to get help in a new way–not tried before. I so hope so. Peace.

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