Still dragging through my days here. Everything feels so tentative. Have you ever seen someone’s arms who is On Warfarin (a blood thinner)? The slightest bump or scratch can cause bleeding or bruising. That’s how I feel. As long as I sit perfectly still and don’t move or think I am getting through my days. But life doesn’t work that way does it? Life requires movement. It’s full of bumps and scratches. Except it’s not my arms that are bleeding. It’s my broken brain and heart.

This evening I was in my bath wondering what the point of any of it is. Why wash under my arms? Yes, I know so I don’t stink but I am thinking bigger. What’s the point of eating healthy foods and making my bed and buying new cords so my iPad can stay charged? What the point of getting up and going to work or doing cross-stitch or making Kombucha. Right now, everything ends in darkness. My voice is not heard. My eyes only see darkness. My ears can only tune into the blackness. I am never, ever not tired. As I said a few posts back, what am I doing to deserve this? How does karma work? A lot of you say I bring light to this world. How then are my days and night filled with such heaviness? Or is this payback for a previous life? Or is it only this life and I have angered a Higher Power with my inability to show gratitude for all I have? It’s not just about me. The world is on tilt, we all know this, and yet most people can find pleasure. I can’t seem to do that.

I will end this post with a quote for the movie, The Water Horse. Have you seen it? It’s a beautiful movie about a sea creature who is gentle and kind and brings hope. The mother in the film doesn’t believe he exists. She says,

“What is going on here? Has everyone gone mad? A sea monster? There is no sea monster. There’s just you and your bloody guns! There’s no monster. There’s no magic. There’s just this war and death and people acting insane.”

14 thoughts on “

  1. I hope the Water Horse materialises for you. Soon. If anyone deserved to have a water horse in their life it is you. Yes there are bloody guns. Yes there is war and death and people acting insane. And yes, there is magic. It is shy and secretive, but it is there.

  2. I don’t believe in karma or that god is somehow punishing you. You have made a decision to heal and you are in the darkest part of the storm right now. The storm will end and you will see light again. I know your words as if they were my own. It is nothing short of a nightmare, is it? I continue to keep my arms wrapped around you and I’m continually sending you love and support.

  3. “Or is this payback for a previous life?”

    I used to wonder about this myself. It is an interesting question. I think the notion that suffering is deserved in some way is a social disease, subtly transmitted by just about everything around us. Resistance is not futile.

  4. Well the good news is, on the other side of darkness is light. I know that “what is the point” feeling and when you are in it, it feels 100% authentic but let us all be your magic feather during those times to remind you there are many great answers to that question. What is the point? Because you can chose to have an impact and you already do. Your drop in the ocean sending ripples across many lives.

  5. I don’t think I could say anything as perfect as what Catherine has told you (above). You are in therapy dealing with some horrific shit right now. That’s going to help you in the long run, but in the short run you will be raw. I think the point of all these mundane things is to find a reasonable balance between pleasure and pain. This morning I felt so oppressed by the never ending rituals of life, like brushing my teeth, or making the bed. I could hardly bring myself to do it. I just wanted to get back in. Sometimes just getting up in the morning is an act of heroics. But how good it feels to be a hero when I can manage to put forth the effort!

  6. The other day when I got up and went to get the paper my soul was so filled with darkness and sadness and the only reason I could think of to keep going was “fake it ’til you make it” which is a saying I actually hate but sometimes that’s all I have. And doing those little things, washing and making the bed and buying new power cords are maybe faking it but they also are helping in some way to bring a sense of order into what appears to us to be complete disorder and darkness. Please keep trying, keep faking it if necessary because eventually, the light does return.
    I promise.

  7. I don’t think I could say anything that is as perfect as what Catherine said above. You are in therapy right now, and although it will be helpful in the long run, for now you are raw. What is the point? To feel joy in the occasional moment, perhaps. I don’t know. Those are the moments I live for, anyway. This morning I could hardly get out of bed, then I was overwhelmed by the simple rituals of daily life – brushing my teeth (again! really?), and making the damn bed. Sometimes getting up and out of bed is an act of heroism. Perhaps the point is finding a balance between pain and pleasure? I wonder, and the wonderment consumes me. I want joy. I want joy for you, too. Finding it seems to be the great work.

  8. Hi Birdie ♥♥
    I feel for you, I can relate, that means nothing though because when people told me they could relate, it didn’t make me feel any brighter. As always, I do wish you the best and send you lots of hugs. As Elephant’s Child said, I also hope you feel that water horse’s influence one day. xx

  9. Payback for a previous life? Maybe it is. Or, maybe your soul is here to learn something and you haven’t hit upon it yet. When you do, you will know it.

  10. There is a quote by Hafiz that I’ve been trying to post here and it won’t let me. Or it has posted here about 10 times and I just can’t see it.
    Anyway here it is…”I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
    There is a caring nature about you that all of us feel. We feel it in your responses here and on our own blogs. We read it here in the way you care for your children and your patients. The way you talk about and love Norbert. The suffering you’ve endured…it hasn’t wrecked you Birdie. It has made you a person of light. You are a beacon, a lighthouse. An Empath. You are a Healer. Don’t you know that? I think you are standing so close to your own light that you cannot see it for yourself. But the rest of us…we see it Birdie. And we are blinded by the brightness. Shine on friend, shine on.
    Love, Lolly

  11. I was in Vegas last week thinking to myself that this is meant to be the happiest place on the planet so why do I feel so shit? If I can’t be happy there then what’s the point in living? Fortunately, the darkness didn’t last forever, and I realised I didn’t need to be happy. You’ll come through this. Hugs.

  12. You find happiness within yourself not outside of yourself. It doesn’t matter what is going on around you peace comes from within. At least that is what I believe and was told by someone wiser than myself. Sometimes I honor the darkness and just not get dressed and lay around feeling crappy. I can do this because I know that the darkness will end eventually and the light will come back. And when the light comes back honor that too and do something that makes you feel better like a walk in the park, coffee with friends, playing with Norbert, gardening, going out for a nice meal or whatever it is that strikes your fancy. Just take note of it and enjoy it and feel peace.

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