Still dragging through my days here. Everything feels so tentative. Have you ever seen someone’s arms who is On Warfarin (a blood thinner)? The slightest bump or scratch can cause bleeding or bruising. That’s how I feel. As long as I sit perfectly still and don’t move or think I am getting through my days. But life doesn’t work that way does it? Life requires movement. It’s full of bumps and scratches. Except it’s not my arms that are bleeding. It’s my broken brain and heart.
This evening I was in my bath wondering what the point of any of it is. Why wash under my arms? Yes, I know so I don’t stink but I am thinking bigger. What’s the point of eating healthy foods and making my bed and buying new cords so my iPad can stay charged? What the point of getting up and going to work or doing cross-stitch or making Kombucha. Right now, everything ends in darkness. My voice is not heard. My eyes only see darkness. My ears can only tune into the blackness. I am never, ever not tired. As I said a few posts back, what am I doing to deserve this? How does karma work? A lot of you say I bring light to this world. How then are my days and night filled with such heaviness? Or is this payback for a previous life? Or is it only this life and I have angered a Higher Power with my inability to show gratitude for all I have? It’s not just about me. The world is on tilt, we all know this, and yet most people can find pleasure. I can’t seem to do that.
I will end this post with a quote for the movie, The Water Horse. Have you seen it? It’s a beautiful movie about a sea creature who is gentle and kind and brings hope. The mother in the film doesn’t believe he exists. She says,
“What is going on here? Has everyone gone mad? A sea monster? There is no sea monster. There’s just you and your bloody guns! There’s no monster. There’s no magic. There’s just this war and death and people acting insane.”