Will I have it in me to post this? Usually when I get really depressed I don’t talk about it here even though my blog is about the ups and downs of depression. I haven’t been completely honest. The last several months I have been going through one of the darker depressions, which is the reason I didn’t post for two months. Other than my kids, I don’t have anything to live for. That’s how it feels. Like I have no skin on. Every breath is raw and painful. I’m not sleeping, which in itself is brutal. Here is one of my sleep logs.

That part between 10 and 11 wasn’t sleep, I was listening to an audio book. And just when I was getting into a deep sleep around 5:00, my alarm went off and it was time to get up for work.

My doctor cancels appointments on his patients on a regular basis because he decides to take the day off and when he isn’t cancelling he has medical students. I have given up on him. Today I made an appointment with a new doctor but can’t get in until the end of the month. Last night, in desperation I called a crisis line and was put on hold before being told that I needed to call back because everyone was busy. The hospital is not an option. Wait times are in the hours and in the end I will be sent home with a prescription and I will still have to get up tomorrow and go to work. At least staying home ensures that I will sleep tonight, my only escape. Well, fragmented sleep but at least my bed feels safe. Safer.

This afternoon I wondered what it would be like to go downtown and jump off a bridge but reason held me back. I can’t do that to my kids. Right now, their presence is the only thing keeping me alive. And it’s torture. Love keeps me prisoner here.

It’s not getting to be too much. It is too much. Over the years I have been on every medication and mix of medications. They don’t work because medication doesn’t get rid of PTSD. That acronym. I hate it. So many have had it so much worse than me but my therapist would beg to differ. If I just stopped feeling sorry for myself. If I tried harder. If I could just snap out it. If I wasn’t so weak. If I was stronger. If I wasn’t such a complete waste of space. If I was smarter. If I was prettier. If I felt that I had something to offer the world. I wonder constantly what I am doing in this life or what I did in a previous life to deserve this. Karma, right?

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get better or is this going to be how it ends for me. My grandma died of a stroke. My mom died of ovarian cancer. Maybe I will die as a result of a broken brain, a heart that can’t take another day of all the pain in this world.

Anyway, I am not going to do anything tonight. I am safe for now. Safe, but utterly alone.

20 thoughts on “

  1. Oh dearheart.
    I suspected that you weren’t being entirely honest with us, and worried. And my heart aches to learn that my worry is justified.
    You are not alone. And precious. The world would be diminished without your huge caring, hurting self.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring. Today and every day.

  2. Oh Birdie, I can feel how deeply in pain you are. I am glad you have your children. I wish there were something I could do to help. Do you ever talk to the hurting child inside you? If you sat in a chair across from a little girl in pain, what would say to her? How would you comfort her? You have such a tender heart you would envelop that child in such love. Try to pretend you are that child and whisper in the gentlest most loving way to her. She is precious to me. Sending so much love.

  3. As fate would have it i am sitting in the dark crying and picked up my phone to try to find some comfort in i dont know what and there you were. thank you. You know. I so deeply wish you happiness.

  4. Birdie!!! You cannot jump off a bridge because I will kill you if you do … Wait?!? …. That doesn’t make any sense. Of course I won’t kill you but I’ll bbe pissed to f*ck*ng bloody hell if you hurt yourself in any way, shape or fashion!

    Did you get that weighted blanket? I want to get one since you introduced me to the concept but I have 2 reservations: 1) hot flashes & night sweats, 2) my 2 cats wirh claws. If you have the blanket does it make you hot, and do you have concerns about Norbert putting holes in it?

    And how about a different job? Yours sounds like it sucks and sucks the life out of you. You have to find the wherewithall within you to make a change.

    Hugs to you B. ❤

  5. PS: On an unrelated side note, one of my cats is nicknamed Birdie. I named him that because he is a nimble jumper and catches air with grace.

    I’m glad you shared your thoughts with us even if they are not super positive. I would be very sad if you took yourself out of this life even though I don’t know you in real life.

    I cam remember when I once thought about driving over an overpass to end life due to how the worst job of my life made me feel 18 years ago; I eoke up to the fact it was time to change jobs. I’m so glad I did.

    Heck, I probably should have changed my last job 7 or more years before I did. Sometimes I think we get caught in a rut.

  6. I’m glad you wrote so honestly – a lot of us can relate – and that you have the anchor of your kids. Being put on hold when you call the crisis line – pitch-perfect, eh? We’re listening.

  7. My daughter is also going through a very dark phase and it’s dragging me down too. It makes me feel so helpless and useless not to be able to do anything to help her. I just want her to feel better, she has no good reason to feel the way she does and it’s so hard to watch a beautiful, intelligent, young woman feel horrible. You know how that feels and so do I and it breaks my heart to watch her struggle. I feel like I’ve failed her as a mom and I’m the worst mom on the planet because I can’t help her. I can’t help you either even though I would if I could. I’ll shed some tears for everyone who feels like this instead and hope for a brighter tomorrow because it will come, you will feel better you just have to hang on until it comes.

  8. You mean so much to me. Your comments have kept me alive during my darkest times. I swoon with pride when I tell people about amazing relationships I have made with amazing women across the internet because of this blogging thing we’ve done for so many years. There isn’t anything I can do to take away the pain you are in right now, but I can promise you…the darkness does go away. I don’t know when, but it does. I only know that because I’m living proof of it. I never thought I would feel as whole as I do at this moment. There were so many years, and so many nights I felt exactly like you describe, that’s why it hurts so bad to know you hurt. I hope you can find solace in the fact that you have made a difference to so many people in this world beyond your children and we are collectively reaching out, wrapping our arms around you, and keeping you safe while you are in this fragile moment. I love you B. You know where I’m at if you need me.

  9. Dear Birdie, I am a long-time reader of your blog but have never commented. I just wanted to let you know that you do matter, in ways you probably don’t even realize. Your kindness, to your clients and your children, tells people all they need to know about you. I am thinking good thoughts for you, and I wish I could do more! But please keep writing. I know it is sometimes a lifeline, and there are people out here listening and cheering you on.

  10. I care about you. I care about what happens to you. Your patients care about you. Your family cares about you. Norbert cares about you. Please hang in there. I KNOW how hard it is to find medical care. But please hang in there. -Jenn

  11. Emergency is horrible, especially for psych patients. Katie and I just spent 11 hours there on Tuesday. But you need to go. You need to be admitted and you need help. The docs need to find a medication that works. You do have PTSD. What you’ve shared here about growing up, it sounds bad. You’re not weak. You’re not alone. Your brain is lying to you. You need to go to emerg. You need to tell them you are thinking about killing yourself. This is serious shit.

    Please Birdie. Please do this.

  12. Birdie, so sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. I feel for you. When my world is black cold steel, I turn to tarot. It has helped me keep company with myself for decades. In the deep of a sleepless night, I do tarot reading after tarot reading, thinking, exploring myself… always as kind to myself as I would be to a small child, always. I do tarot until I can feel sleep taking me, then I lie down on the couch, cover up with a well loved blanket, and sleep, usually only for a wee bit, before starting another day.

    One foot in front of the other Birdie. You don’t have to have to come up with all the answers, this world is not your circus, not your monkey.

  13. I have no answers and no suggestions. I can only say that we have come through some dark times together and we are still here. I weep for you because I know how hard it is. I am here, hoping that some light will start to come through for you. I am loving you.

  14. Sweetie, You are a much-needed woman right now in your life. You are a part of life itself. People love and care deeply for you. Don’t you dare ever feel as if you don’t matter or that you are alone because you aren’t. Everyone is here with you. You are a loved, special soul and don’t you forget that. You make a difference in peoples lives. We love you. Birdie. Sending much love and many (((((hugs)))).

  15. Will you read this? I have no idea. I hope so. I so long to offer you friendship or advise or…or…something, I don’t know. I know I cannot fix you but I can support you from all the way over here. I love the light you bring to this world Birdie. And I am a better person for having found you and your blog. Please remember that YOU are loved friend. Praying for you as always.

    For Loneliness – Poem by John O’Donohue

    When the light lessens,
    Causing colors to lose their courage,
    And your eyes fix on the empty distance
    That can open on either side
    Of the surest line
    To make all that is
    Familiar and near
    Seem suddenly foreign,
    When the music of talk
    Breaks apart into noise
    And you hear your heart louden
    While the voices around you
    Slow down to leaden echos
    Turning silence
    Into something stony and cold,
    When the old ghosts come back
    To feed on everywhere you felt sure,
    Do not strengthen their hunger
    By choosing fear;
    Rather, decide to call on your heart
    That it may grow clear and free
    To welcome home your emptiness
    That it may cleanse you
    Like the clearest air
    You could ever breathe.
    Allow your loneliness time
    To dissolve the shell of dross
    That had closed around you;
    Choose in this severe silence
    To hear the one true voice
    Your rushed life fears;
    Cradle yourself like a child
    Learning to trust what emerges,
    So that gradually
    You may come to know
    That deep in that black hole
    You will find the blue flower
    That holds the mystical light
    Which will illuminate in you
    The glimmer of springtime.

    Hope to see you in that glimmer of Springtime Birdie. Sending much love friend.
    Love, Lolly

  16. I wish there was something I could say or do to make this better. All I know is that I understand, and I’m sorry you are haunted by this great, dark sorrow. I am waiting for your next post. You are not alone. Much love!

  17. No no no no No! Don’t you dare go there! Your kids are incredible and they need you. I know you’re not really going to do anything to harm yourself. But let me tell you, although it may sound selfish on my part, Birdie, it would be earth shattering to loose you.

    We are very close in our symptoms and suffering, although no one really knows what the other suffers. But there really is no option, except to keep going.

    I’ve said it to you before and I’ll say it again….get to that mirror. Talk talk talk to her and the demons, scream and yell and when you are done, kiss the mirror, because it is you that is looking back. I know it sounds crazy stupid and ridiculous, but do it if you possibly can. Screaming and yelling and beating things is a valid and valuable part of this, because you are angry, my friend, it is impossible to not be so and fruitless to dispute it or hold it inside. Ask people to leave the house, and take a stick, a pan or anything else that will not break but is sturdy enough to make an impact and beat the shit out of your bed, your couch, a big pillow anything that will give you resistance. You are exhausted and your probably think that you can’t possibly do this, but if you can muster the strength, it will oddly, calm you. And if you’ve done it before and you didn’t get the result that you wanted…..then do it again. It has an accumulative effect.

    I once know a man who consistently beat on an old car (I don’t really recommend that) and he finally beat it to a pulp, as well as a huge amount of the pain and betrayal that was destroying him.

    I’m not you, saying that I have the answers is beyond stupid. I don’t. But I am your friend and I am not going to be polite and just tell you that I hope it will get better. I am saying Attack It !!
    It does not own you, it is not a part of you, Birdie. It is a foreign thing that is taking over your life and wants you to be a victim. Like a bully, if you give it what it is giving you, it will back down. They always do.

    This is only my Love that says these words to you. If you don’t want to do this or if it doesn’t make sense to you, that’s perfectly fine. But just take them as Love. Because there is Love in every single one of them.

    I know comments are supposed to be short and sweet, but I take this very seriously. I’m really listening to you.

    XOXOXO Liv XOXOXO

  18. I’m horrified to think I missed reading this because I was working and tired and low. I don’t really check in until Saturdays these days. You’ve been feeling so alone and hopeless I can see. I’m so glad you are thinking of your children and that thought will keep you here with us and them. The world would be poorer without you Birdie. Glad to see that you’ve had some support at work to try to aleviate some of the stress. Lack of sleep is just the worst so no wonder you’re feeling so overwelmed and lost. Love you so much(although we’ve never met) you are such a kind, funny and beautiful soul. Xx

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