Home Today

I couldn’t go to work today. I just couldn’t. Work has me so stressed. From a job that I used to love to a job that has me sick with dread 24 hours a day. My therapist has given me information about retraining because this can’t keep happening. This afternoon I called the agency that does retraining but the hoops I have to go through are daunting. It’s a program for women who have mental health issues (check) and have experienced violence (check) and have barriers to full time employment because of it. Like Scarlet O’Hara, I will think about it another day. “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Ah, what great coping skills I have.

All your comments in my last post brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel so alone and dull and the most boring person in the world. Really, my life is very mundane. When you have depression you don’t look forward to anything. But what’s to look forward to? The planet is past the tipping point. I don’t have time off until September. Going through bed each night is what I look forward to.

Anyway. I heard this song today on another blog and it made me think of my love for my own kids so I sent it to them. I’m posting it here because it’s beautiful.

16 thoughts on “Home Today

  1. That was the kindest gift you could have possibly shared with me today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Birdie.
    I hope tomorrow is easier for you and that sound and peaceful sleep envelopes you tonight.
    So much love to you xo

  2. Hi Birdie, I’m thinking about you and hoping you get some good, peaceful rest. Your job is hard, especially with all you put into it. Sending love.♥️

  3. Maybe a new job would be a wonderful new door to open. You have quite a special gift and your work needs to be something that allows you to share it in a way that fills you up instead of draining you. I know what it is like to be in a position where change is not possible so I’m not going to say just jump the hoops and make a change. When you can, you will. Wishing you well 🙂 and wishing you a vacation…or at least a job with regular hours.

  4. Change is always daunting. Your job sounds so draining. I wish for you a job that fills you up, a job that you don’t dread going to every day. Fingers crossed for you, Birdie.

  5. Hi Birdie 🙂 You’re so right, depression saps the life out of you, at the worst of mine in the 2000’s, I didn’t look forward to a single thing. I do hope you can somehow jump through those hoops for retraining, I think that would be such a great opportunity for you to get away from the job that makes you feel dread. Take care! xx

  6. Oh it’s so hard to have a job you dread going to! I’ve been there. I reminded myself over and over and over again “This is temporary” and “This is a stepping stone, giving me skills and experience to get where I really want to go.” That helped me get through, and helped me get the next jobs, which were ones I wanted. Don’t ever think that change (for the better) won’t come! I didn’t think there was even such a thing as the kind of work situation I dreamed of, and yet … along one came. Have courage! -Kate

  7. Can you look for another job? Often a new job can breathe life into someone. I am starting a new job tomorrow after 12 1/2 years being at the same place. While I loved my job so much, the management changed and the expectations for what we do have become unrealistic. Fear and micromanagement has become the norm.

    I got my resume in gear, read a sh*t ton of online articles about interviews, resume restructuring, etc.

    You might want to explore what’s out there! I got the job I wanted but not until I got my resume looking sharp — that was the first crucial step. Heck if you get a new job you may get a pay bump. I did and wasn’t even asking for it — I just wanted a new job that was a good fit and to move forward from a dead end job that was getting me to feel more anxious every day.

    Anyway keep us posted and know you have choices and aren’t trapped even if change or good things don’t seem to be happening immediately. There is no reason to stay somewhere and suffer getting more depressed every day. ❤

  8. How did you feel after taking the day off? Did it give you a release at all? Some days it’s important to listen to ourselves and just take the day off. I know I don’t do it enough, if ever. I’m glad you did that. If you need help building out a resume, let me know – I can totally help you do that!

  9. You are never boring, dear Birdie. We love you and want to share in your life, what you are feeling, how you are managing. I hope the retraining will seem less daunting as time goes on. In the meantime, I am glad you stayed home and hope you will keep doing that when you need it, and take everything one breath at a time. Hugs, friend.

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