Nothing new. Just working to the point of exhaustion, coming home and sitting and staring at a screen or cross-stitch or my knitting loom, waiting to go to bed. At some point in there I do some housework and make some meals or go out and get groceries. On Tuesdays I go to counselling which is horrible and awful but I hold to process and hopeful end result. Seriously. I am so messed up.

Sleep continues to be a problem. I wake up every morning between 2:30 and 4:00 and can’t get back to sleep. It’s usually anxiety that wakes me up. So, I decided to get myself a weighted blanket. Will see how that works.

My cousin became a grandma again today. My daughter came over and I helped her with her income taxes and some medical form about 50 pages long because she has some health issues going on and needs genetic testing. I am not going to pull a Birdie and freak out but it’s worrisome. Life of a mom, right? Get pregnant. Worry about miscarrying. Worry there will be something wrong after birth. Then worry about pretty much every single thing for the rest of your life even after they become adults and move out.

That’s all I have right now. Not sure why I can’t seem to get into posting. Maybe because my life is incredibly boring and nothing ever happens.

18 thoughts on “

  1. I really hope the weighted blanket helps you get some good sleep! You’re being a supportive mom and your daughter will undoubtedly be fine. Hang in there! -Jenn

  2. Oh Lord, the last thing you are is boring.
    There’s a lot on your plate right now and being tired doesn’t help. I hope the weighted blanket does. I know counseling is tough, but I truly don’t know anyone who isn’t messed up. And the ones I don’t really know are messed up too. But it’s still a good club. I am glad you are here. I just love you, you wonderful, sweet woman xo

  3. Boring? Wash your mouth out.
    Exhaustion, like anxiety and depression is a skilled fibber.
    Let us know how the weighted blanket works. There is a reason so many cultures have used sleep deprivation as a torture. It is.
    Hugs.

  4. I don’t find you or your life at all boring. Nope, not at all. Please keep writing. What seems everyday to you makes me feel I’m getting to know you. A lot of blogs don’t have that effect on me. -Kate
    Ps yr comment on my blog re the orange made me giggle

  5. Awesome … Had to look up weighted blankets. My husband always makes fun of me for bliking covers when sleeping. I need covers saying bI need to feel covered; I so understand this post. Hugs to you Birdie! 🙆

  6. I was thinking of getting my daughter a weighted blanket for Christmas but because they are so expensive I asked her if she wanted to try one and she didn’t want one. I still they one may help but right now she’s sleeping really well so I’ll just keep it in my brain for a time when she isn’t sleeping well which will hopefully be never but realistically will be sometime just hopefully not soon.
    You are so right about being a parent. The worry never ends like I don’t have enough to worry about already I get to have the added bonus of being worried for the two people I brought into this world forever. But I wouldn’t give them up for anything either so I guess I’ll just be at peace with the worry and believe they will be fine.
    And if you think your life is boring you haven’t seen my life. I don’t think I even went out of the house except to drop the one kid off at work or pick one up from work all last week. The biggest most exciting think I do all day is laundry. Now we don’t even have a kitty (the daughter’s asthmatic cat died a month ago, we are still sad) to give me a laugh. I bore the crap out of myself most days and can’t even think of anything to say to people because I pretty much don’t do anything or go anywhere.

    • Oh, so sorry for all the typos in the above. I really should proofread before I post but if I do I usually just end up deleting the whole thing. I posted it before I can edit it a billion times to make it perfect and then delete it because it will never be perfect enough. And you don’t know how hard it is not to delete this too. LOL!

  7. It’s so damn hard to be a mom, I never knew I could worry as much as I do, but I feel that same weight in love so it all balances out I guess. I’m here in spirit sending you lots of love. I’m super proud of you for doing the hard work on yourself right now. Not sure if this helps, but when I’m digging into the deep stuff and it’s super painful, I try to remember that my mind will only give me the things I’m ready to handle. So be confident that this is your time to work through what you are working through. It hurts, it’s awful, but the other side will bring you closer to be the person you are aspiring to be. I love you lady! Keep up and reach out when you need to – I’m always here for you!

  8. I feel boring sometimes to, like why would anyone want to read about my life. ;( I think most of us feel that way sometimes.

    I don’t know if you’ve posted about weighted blankets before, but I missed it if you did. I had to look it up. Always learning something new… usually the last one to know. LOL I hope it works for you and would be very interested to know if it works. Please post about it. I have my own sleep issues: walking, talking and crazy dreams, waking not being able to go back to sleep, anxiety, etc. I’ve done much better since I gave up wine. So that’s good.

    I know what you mean about worrying. Mothers never stop. When you have a child, your heart goes out into the world with them. If we could only protect them always. Bella

  9. Yup, I feel that too. I get up and do the same things in the same way every day (and then wonder if I toast the bagel *before* making the coffee perhaps that will shake things up a little?) I hate myself for it but then I forgive myself because I am an overthinker and my head is always processing why we do what we do ((damn philosophy class in uni!)). Weighted blankets are awesome. If you can get a cat or two plus maybe a dog on top of that is even better. 🙂

  10. I am feeling low myself right now, Birdie, and worrying, as mothers do, as you do, as we all do, but I want to say that here we are and hang on and we have to keep trying, don’t we? I mean, what else is there? And there will be moments ahead of us in which we will be so glad we did. I promise.

  11. Your life is not incredibly boring. Nothing is boring about you. You are one in a billion. Reading your blog is something I love to do, even if you do nothing but ramble. I still love it. Reading about people and their lives is interesting. Otherwise, we would think we were the only ones in our little world. I’m just getting over a bout of homesickness. That is the reason I didn’t post this week. Yeah, that black dog bit me in the ass. I’m getting over it and I’ll explain on Monday.
    I have one question. Since the increase in the number of patients and decrease in time spent with each patient, has anyone complained to the boss? I mean, someone has to complain that they aren’t getting the amount of care they were getting before. Also, some of the nurses if not all of them have got to feel the same way about being worked like dogs. Something has to give soon is all I’m saying.

  12. Sorry to read that you keep waking? I used to wake with a start like that and you know what helped? Getting rid of 95 percent of my shit. I haven’t woken up like that once, since.

    Hope the blanket helps!

  13. Hi Birdie 🙂 It’s nice to read a post from you! A weighted blanket, I never thought about that. Lately I’ve been up around 3am each night with nightmares, last night’s nearly drove me into full panic. I don’t know what is up with my unconscious mind lately, or is that subconscious? :s

  14. I appreciate your honest assessment of motherhood. It’s rough to love someone so much when one suffers from anxiety. This is a hard time of the year. Spring is coming, though. I am intrigued by the weighted blanket. I look forward to reading about your experience using one.

  15. Work and exhaustion yes I recognise this. Today I’ve been with a Mother addicted to alcohol and heroin. She feels worthless. I have no outlet for the stuff I come across at work as I cannot blog about it and there is nowhere to go with all the emotion. I think I am too soft for this work. My wn life is boring too. I’m too tired and to be honest a little bit low to do anything much except if I’m off on leave or the occasional weekend. I know that worry too about our adult children or teen children, just our children in general. I hope she is ok. Xxx

  16. The life of a mom…a never ending story 🙂 No matter how old they get, we are constantly concerned about them.

    I hope your sleep cycles settle down. It is tiring waking up like that!

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