Well, I certainly didn’t mean for almost 2 months to pass between posts but it happened and that’s all there is to it. First it was just winter blues. Then a little depression. Then a bit more depression. Then laziness. Then not having a whole lot going on.
There is this. I have made a decision to see what life is like to not be on antidepressants. Please. Nobody say be careful or have wise words of wisdom because I have been on every medication under the sun and nothing has really worked. Then there was the straw that broke the camels back. Serequel. It’s an antipsychotic. My doctor put me on it several years ago for “sleep”. I have never had a fucking psychotic episode in my life. As I looked into this drug further I became concerned. First, my doctor never told me it was an antipsychotic. Second, he never discussed side effects. Even the makers of the drug say it should not be used for sleep. To top it off, when I was deciding to wean off Wellbutrin he did not approve and said that I should be on Ritalin “for energy”. A pill to make me sleep and a pill to wake me up. Are you getting kickbacks, doctor? The fuck? Serequel. Wellbutrin. Ritalin. Ativan. No wonder I feel like shit. So, I went off the Serequel cold turkey which was a bad idea. Lots of side effects. Then an angel was sent from heaven and she got me on a supplement that supports mental health with nutrition. If you want to know more about that go here. (I take a supplement and amino acids.) There has been ups and downs as I wean off and some of the downs have been pretty bad but that has to do with the body going through withdrawal. When you have been on medications for years side effects are expected. I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I am down to 75 with the hopes to be off completely. The cool thing about this company is they have telephone support so when you are going through a rough patch you can call and get some guidance. Anyway, the angel sent from heaven decided to sponsor me through all of this and I haven’t had to pay a thing. For that I am grateful. At first I thought it was some multilevel marketing bullshit but it’s not. It is the story of a family of 10 children and their dad who lost the mom to suicide and then several of the children showing up with mental illnesses and being told by psychiatrists that nothing can be done. His kids were maxed out on meds and they were still very unwell so he started looking into alternatives. Okay, long story short. I am feeling better. Not a dramatic change but clearer. More hopeful.
Work is absolutely insane. We are full on with the new model of care. From 6 or 7 clients to about 20 a day. Staff are unhappy. Clients are unhappy. It’s pretty sad when you sit down with someone who lost her spouse and as she grabs your hand and sobs you have to get up and leave. I had to do that today. The reason I chose this profession was to make a difference. There is no longer time to make a difference. Management doesn’t care and shuts down any dissension. Profit over people at their most vulnerable. She got her breakfast. That’s all that matters in the world of management. The positive thing is they will receive big bonuses this year.
What else? Not much. I had 5 days off last week, my only time off in 9 months. It will be easier now that winter has passed. I suppose I should be all deep and thoughtful and see the beauty of winter and the coming of spring but I don’t. Winters here are just cold and dark with never ending rain. Did you know that everyone here is majorly Vitamin D deficient unless they take 4000 i.u. of vitamin D daily? It’s not just Vitamin D. It’s also the lack of sunlight. Living in the dark for months at a time is depressing. Anyway, it’s sunny today and it makes all the difference.
Another thing. It’s chocolate hot cross bun time! Whoever came up with this brilliant idea needs a Noble Peace Prize. Is there one for food? There should be.
Tomorrow I am going to do my taxes. Yes I am. I will get back this year because I have my employer take off an extra $25.00 for each pay period. It won’t be much, a couple hundred dollars at the most but at least I won’t have to pay.
Well, that is it for now. Fuck Daylight Saving Time.
Thank you for all your emails and texts and comments while I was gone. xo