A Quick Post Before Bed

Well, I certainly didn’t mean for almost 2 months to pass between posts but it happened and that’s all there is to it. First it was just winter blues. Then a little depression. Then a bit more depression. Then laziness. Then not having a whole lot going on.

There is this. I have made a decision to see what life is like to not be on antidepressants. Please. Nobody say be careful or have wise words of wisdom because I have been on every medication under the sun and nothing has really worked. Then there was the straw that broke the camels back. Serequel. It’s an antipsychotic. My doctor put me on it several years ago for “sleep”. I have never had a fucking psychotic episode in my life. As I looked into this drug further I became concerned. First, my doctor never told me it was an antipsychotic. Second, he never discussed side effects. Even the makers of the drug say it should not be used for sleep. To top it off, when I was deciding to wean off Wellbutrin he did not approve and said that I should be on Ritalin “for energy”. A pill to make me sleep and a pill to wake me up. Are you getting kickbacks, doctor? The fuck? Serequel. Wellbutrin. Ritalin. Ativan. No wonder I feel like shit. So, I went off the Serequel cold turkey which was a bad idea. Lots of side effects. Then an angel was sent from heaven and she got me on a supplement that supports mental health with nutrition. If you want to know more about that go here. (I take a supplement and amino acids.) There has been ups and downs as I wean off and some of the downs have been pretty bad but that has to do with the body going through withdrawal. When you have been on medications for years side effects are expected. I was on 300 mg of Wellbutrin and I am down to 75 with the hopes to be off completely. The cool thing about this company is they have telephone support so when you are going through a rough patch you can call and get some guidance. Anyway, the angel sent from heaven decided to sponsor me through all of this and I haven’t had to pay a thing. For that I am grateful. At first I thought it was some multilevel marketing bullshit but it’s not. It is the story of a family of 10 children and their dad who lost the mom to suicide and then several of the children showing up with mental illnesses and being told by psychiatrists that nothing can be done. His kids were maxed out on meds and they were still very unwell so he started looking into alternatives. Okay, long story short. I am feeling better. Not a dramatic change but clearer. More hopeful.

Work is absolutely insane. We are full on with the new model of care. From 6 or 7 clients to about 20 a day. Staff are unhappy. Clients are unhappy. It’s pretty sad when you sit down with someone who lost her spouse and as she grabs your hand and sobs you have to get up and leave. I had to do that today. The reason I chose this profession was to make a difference. There is no longer time to make a difference. Management doesn’t care and shuts down any dissension. Profit over people at their most vulnerable. She got her breakfast. That’s all that matters in the world of management. The positive thing is they will receive big bonuses this year.

What else? Not much. I had 5 days off last week, my only time off in 9 months. It will be easier now that winter has passed. I suppose I should be all deep and thoughtful and see the beauty of winter and the coming of spring but I don’t. Winters here are just cold and dark with never ending rain. Did you know that everyone here is majorly Vitamin D deficient unless they take 4000 i.u. of vitamin D daily? It’s not just Vitamin D. It’s also the lack of sunlight. Living in the dark for months at a time is depressing. Anyway, it’s sunny today and it makes all the difference.

Another thing. It’s chocolate hot cross bun time! Whoever came up with this brilliant idea needs a Noble Peace Prize. Is there one for food? There should be.

Tomorrow I am going to do my taxes. Yes I am. I will get back this year because I have my employer take off an extra $25.00 for each pay period. It won’t be much, a couple hundred dollars at the most but at least I won’t have to pay.

Well, that is it for now. Fuck Daylight Saving Time.

Thank you for all your emails and texts and comments while I was gone. xo

23 thoughts on “A Quick Post Before Bed

  1. I am so glad to see you back in the blogosphere and unbelievably glad that you are feeling a tiny bit better and clearer. Which given the insanity of your job is hugely positive. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

  2. Glad to see you back! My younger daughter has psychotic episodes and has just be put on medication to help with it, now I’m worried about what it is!

    • Absolutely don’t worry. I’ve been on meds for over 20 years. It’s time for a new approach. Her not being on medication is dangerous.

  3. It’s so good to see you here Birdie. Glad you found a supplement that works. Sounds like that dad with the family of 10 kids who lost their mom should write a book. The world needs to know what he’s discovering.

  4. Birdie, I cannot tell you how happy I was to see a post from you in my reader this morning. So happy! Made my day!

    I know what you mean about taking so much medication. I hope this works out for you. Worth a try.
    P.S. I can’t remember if you visited me at my new blog, but I’ve moved and have gone private. If you click the link for an invite, I will make sure you get in. So glad you’re back.

    I don’t know how you do your job. My hat is off to you and all who do your job.

  5. I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you. I’m glad you’ve found something that’s helping you to feel better too. Katie was put on Seroquel briefly and she had what’s called a paradoxical effect, screaming and crying. It was not good. The cannabis right now is smoothing things out for her, along with her antipsychotics.

    I’m glad winter is almost over. The light is coming back. It makes life easier. Take care woman:)

  6. I’m not even sure what to write / say … But I do think you should keep posting even if it’s brief and feels trivial.

    A couple other of those Rx supplements are:

    1) DEPLIN — http://www.deplin.com/
    DEPLIN® | Prescription Medical Food
    2) CEREFOLIN — https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerefolin
    Cerefolin – Wikipedia

    From what I understand, many OTC vitamins & supplements on the market today are not very absorbable from the digestive system due to cheap formulation.

    As a nurse when I see that a patient is taking Seroquel what first comes to mind is that the person has major depression with sleeplessness. I have to talk to the patient more to see if any psychosis is present and don’t make any automatic assumptions it’s present.

    Easier said than done, but are you able to find a different job where you cam start feeling like you’re making more of a difference with quality patient care vs. quantity? It seems like you have a lot of experience and may have to think outside the box. I hear you on all points you make about the quality of patient care suffering. Recently I’ve experienced much of the same where I work and have decided I need to work somewhere I feel valued and my values match more closely; I will be starting a new position in 2 weeks after being at the same job for almost 13 years — a job I loved despite emotionally empty co-workers. When the management changed I decided I needed to change. Anyway, much easier said than done to change jobs! I’ve tried a few times over the years but nothing was truly a good fit. However, the icy micromanaging abrupt director who continued a line of favoritism with inexperience finally pushed me over the edge to grow wings and fly.

    I will and won’t judge you for wanting to come off or taper your doses downward of meds.

    And hey, how is Norbert? Don’t forget the healing powers if our feline friends!

    Glad to see you back Birdy! ❤

    PS: Do you have Netflix? Laughter can be good medicine you know? Have you seen this stand-up comedy show by MIKE BIRBIGLIA — https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QOlnuN2PXbg
    🎥 Mike Birbiglia: Thank God For Jokes | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix …

  7. That came off incorrectly about judging you above … I will not judge and will support you. The word support was left out . Sorry for any confusion Birdie.

  8. What works is what works and we are all completely different little chem labs, each of us needing according to our make-up. That’s what I think. I also think that it’s really, really good to see you here again. So…hello! I’m sorry your work sucks. That just sounds inhumane. But trust me- you do make a difference. I am sure of that.

  9. I don’t blame you for wanting to get off of some of your medication, and only you know what’s right for you. Mary is right when she says were are all different little chem labs. My husband was put on Wellbutrin when he asked for an antidepressant that wouldn’t make him sleepy. Well, it didn’t make him sleepy, that’s for sure. It was by far the worst medication for him, making him paranoid and terrified beyond belief. It was a hideous time for us and he had to be on meds to counteract the Wellbutrin until it was out of his system. So, everyone is different and what works for one, may not work for another. It is a shame about your job. Keep your eyes open for something else if anything comes up that is a comparable salary. -Jenn

  10. I’m so excited for you and just blown away that you were matched up with a group that is going to help so much. I’m currently back on my antidepressants, went rogue for about six months, and I’m just better on them. One day I hope I can do what you are doing.

    Hi! So glad to see a post from you!! I missed you, but you already knew that didn’t you? 🙂 RE: your job- Is there a way you can work independently? I believe Annette does it that way…can you be a self employed caregiver in Canada? So so happy to see you on here again. Missed you dearly. Keep in touch, eh?
    Love, Lolly

    • I second that emotion. Love that you checked in and love how hard you try to care for yourself. Hugs hugs hugs♥️❤️♥️

  12. Yes, Psychiatric medication can be horrible but it can help when you are at your worst. It’s always best to find a Dr. who understands your symptoms and can prescribe appropriate medications and monitor for side effects and whether they help you or not. If you have been on medication for years it’s not a bad idea to wean off them and see how you feel. If you are in a supportive situation where you are taking good care of yourself and monitoring how you feel with good support from people and medical professionals then it’s all good. My husband did the same thing and has never needed to take any psychiatric medication since he weaned off it all. I’m not saying this will be the same for you or for other people but he is medication free now and has no psychiatric behaviors or problems since his early 20’s, he’s 55 now. For some people it is possible. Good luck and know that we are here to help in any way we can.

  13. I wondered what you were up to but I didn’t want to bother you. I would never get on all those drugs. In fact, I would have changed doctors right away. He was obviously getting kickbacks. I need to look into that supplement.

  14. Good to see you back!
    Would mind letting me know which suppl you are taking? I’m slowly weaning of AD as well.

  15. So nice to catch up and hear how you are doing. Medication is like a maze, isn’t it? I will be realllly interested to see how you do without it. I’ve always thought I’d like to do that too. But….
    It’s so sad that they are cutting the time you can spend with a patient, but your gracious spirit fills the room and I’m sure lingers far after you have gone.

  16. Hi Birdie 🙂 Nice to see your post. I’m happy for you that you took that courageous step to ween off the meds. I did the same in 2009. I was on Seroquel too and it destroyed my body. It gave me a metabolic disorder and I gained over 100 pounds in a 2 year span, that with the Prozac and Chlonazepan, I was an obese, very unhealthy walking zombie. I hope that you’re successful and don’t need to take them anymore! I had a few lapses where I desperately wanted to be back on them…but I have a good support system in Alex, and he helps me through the tough times. 🙂

  17. Dear Birdie, this posting is so filled with hope and that makes me happy for you. I’ve been concerned because you hadn’t posted for so many weeks. And I thought that you might be going through a really rough time with the depression. But what you were doing was de-cluttering your life from a build-up of drugs. It seems to me that’s a good thing. I hope that the angel with whom you are working will hold your hand throughout all of this and get you safe onto a new island of hope. An island connected to the mainland of good mental health.

    I’ve taken an anti-psychotic drug for 42. Fortunately I took only 2 mg. a day and that works for me. I am one of the lucky ones whose body responds quickly and efficiently to this kind of drug. I’ve always been grateful for that. Now I am grateful that you are getting help and feeling good about yourself. Be gracious to yourself. Peace.

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