I’m not at all ready for Christmas. Haven’t started. I did get cards out. I really did try to get in the mood this year but I’m just not feeling it. I work on Christmas Day and all throughout December. And the depression is not lifting. I have got myself on an online Al Anon support group. Al Anon is for anyone who has been affected by someone else’s drinking. My biological father was an alcoholic and I learned some really unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes I think I will never be healthy person. It feels like I was born broken. They say unborn babies can feel emotions. My mom had planned to leave my biological father but then discovered she was pregnant with me so she stayed. My first memories are of being scared. Terrified is a better word. Did I feel that way before I was born? I don’t know. I just know I have never not been broken. I envy people who were born into a loving home. I envy people who are simply…not sad. Yes, we all have issues but unless you have dealt directly with addiction you can’t know the effects. For me, it all boils down to never wanting to get someone angry at me ever. From my husband to a person in the grocery aisle where my cart might be taking up too much space to where I put my stuff at work because someone else might have wanted that space to not leaving an intersection fast enough and the driver behind me having to wait to not returning emails right away. It’s everything. When someone expresses anger I can try to stand up for myself and it’s like people know. They know they can win. And they always do. Always.
I really need to try to focus on something positive but honestly, I’m just not feeling it right now. There is this. I get my new glasses on Tuesday. That’s a good thing. I also weigh in tomorrow and really hoping I’m a little closer to my goal. The only good thing about this particular depressive episode is I am not all that hungry.