I’m going to repost a post that I published about a month back before shame washed over me and I took it down, embarrassed.
Sometimes it just goes this way. Things will be okay then they get a litte grey and then all of a sudden, blackness. The dark place. The Black Dog has me tight in his jaws this time. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I want to escape this dark world but instead I am trapped because I can’t do that to my kids.
I will leave this post with my favourite quote describing depression.
“I’m tired…Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having a buddy to be with, to tell me where we’s going to, coming from or why. Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head, all the time…”
I know I have posted that quote dozens of times but it absolutely sums up what it feels like for me. I should have it written on my gravestone. Or keep it as a wallet card in case I ever get really desperate and decide it’s too much. I should write my obituary in advance and just have that quote.
Am I okay? That is what you are supposed to ask someone who is depressed. Well, no. I’m not. But I have no way out. I can’t kill myself in December because then I will ruin Christmas for everyone for the rest of their lives. And really, I can’t do it ever because I don’t want to leave that legacy to my beautiful children. Life is full of enough pain and they don’t need me killing myself.
Am I okay? Well, no. I am as far from okay as I can possibly be and I tell a therapist that and unless I have immediate plans to kill myself I get a, “There, there. Breathe. Go have a cup of tea and try to get a good night’s sleep”. I wish there was a place for me to go when I am in the darkness. A place to rest. A place to think. A place where someone will listen. I could go to the psych ward where they put me in puce pyjamas and I have to ask permission to use the bathroom lest I try to hang myself. And I have to watch the same channel on the communal television because I’m not trusted to hold a remote. And every item around me is bolted down. It shames me. It belittles me. It causes me to go to an even darker place.
So, I will hit the publish button and try to not have the shame that hangs over me cause me to put this post in the trash. Maybe there is one person that will read it and they will feel less alone. If it’s you, please let me know. Because I need to feel less alone. Because I’m not okay.