Well, I am sitting here in front of my SAD light with a cup of coffee. I’m pretty sure Norbert is meditating. I have taken some time off work this week. I have to work every Stat holiday so I get days off in lieu. Sometimes I think I would prefer the actual day off because I miss out on a lot of fun stuff. But it is nice to have a stretch of days off in a row.

This year has been such a sad one. Starting in January with an insane person becoming leader. That has done something to me fundamentally. I’m not even American and it messed me up. It made me think that maybe I was wrong about people. I used to think that most people were good and kind. I mean, DT is DT. He is insane and scary and I expect him to act as he does. But when half of the people think he is a good choice for leader it made me rethink things. That maybe most people are not good. Most people are not kind. And that we as a society are past the tipping point and there is no hope for any of us. It has made me want to tell my kids to not have kids. It has made me feel that it’s only a matter of time before the human race is done for. So, this year, for the first time ever, I have decided to celebrate Advent. Advent in my own way, that is. The four Sundays before Christmas I will light a candle. The individual candles represent Hope, Preparation Joy and Love. I’m doing this because I’m weary. I’m weary of feeling hopeless, desperate for answers, sad, depressed and angry. I don’t know if celebrating Advent will make a difference but I am still going to try. I ordered an advent wreath and candles last night online. Will keep you posted on this.

And of course, it is Resentment Box time! Whoo hooo! These dark short days have their way with me. What a perfect time to make something good of it. For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while will know that I burn a box on Winter Solstice. Through the month of December, this year will include the rest of November, I write things on pieces of paper that are bothering me, put them in a sealed box, and burn it on December 21, the shortest and darkest day of the year. For me it represents going from darkness to light. From anger to love. From despair to hopefulness. I started the box the first December after my mom died. I was so sad and angry. I was angry at certain people like an aunt who came out of the woodwork as my mom was dying. She had been so mean to my mom her whole life but I guess guilt kicked in and she was nice to my mom during her last year. But, a leopard doesn’t change its spots (or is its stripes?) and after my mom died she went back to her mean self. She actually reminds me of Grace on Grace and Frankie. Only she isn’t funny and would never associate with someone like Frankie in real life. She is a snob of the highest caliber. In her opinion, people like me and my mom are riff raff, rednecks and hillbillies. Anyway, my anger at her was eating me up. I tried to reach out to her and be kind but every attempt I made was ignored. One time I sent her some old photos from her wedding in 1970 and the engagement announcement. I thought she would be pleased because her husband had died 6 years previous and she missed him desperately. She didn’t even reply to the email. Another time I sent her an article that mentioned her that I came across while doing genealogy. Nothing. And so I became angrier. And bitter. And I needed to do something about it. And so, the Resentment Box started. Since then I take a look at my life at this time of the year and think about what relationships make me a shitty and angry and bitter person. I write their name and what is pissing me off and put it in a sealed box and then burn it. Sometimes it helps. Other times not. But I love the idea.

Well, this has been a long post, hasn’t it?

24 thoughts on “

  1. I think that rituals are good and a very human way to deal with uncertainty and sorrow, with darkness and with light, with hope and with the sort of faith we need to continue on in this world. I love you so much for never giving way entirely to despair, for continuing to try always to make connections and keep them and to love. You are amazing, Birdie. I doubt you even begin to realize that.

    • That topic, of me being amazing, has come up three times for me this week. I don’t feel it, Mary. Abuse does that doesn’t it? Keeps us feeling unworthy of anything positive or good. I am on a wait list for long term counselling and will see how it goes.

  2. I love the idea of a Resentment Box. What fun that must be to burn all those thoughts and let them go. I may have to try that. And by the way, your aunt sounds like a wretched person. Ick. She doesn’t deserve you, and you are better off without her.

    • I wanted to love my aunt. I wanted her to love me. And I wanted to give her love! But, it wasn’t to be. I can almost hear my mom telling me to let it go and yet, it still hurts. When I was in high school, her daughter, my cousin was in the same graduating class. Being just like her mother, completely ignored me. I remember being bullied and she just stood there. Gosh, that was almost 30 years ago and it still hurts. Yeah. They will both go into the box this year.

  3. Oh I love the idea of a resentment box! I have a God box and it holds lots of pictures of moms kids who are stuck in and some have passed away, from addiction. But a resentment box really sounds like I can let loose! Lol then set it on fire! What a great way to purge those weighty feelings. Thank you Birdie for being my faithful reader. Animals hibernate in winter….I think it might be the natural order of things for us to pull back also. ❤️

    • I think a resentment box could become a thing in 12 Step programs. Maybe I could patent it. The cost of boxes depends on how many resentments we have. Sometimes it feel like I could use a box a refrigerator came in. lol. Right now I am dealing with some serious anger in a certain family situation. It’s not good for me and so toxic to hold it in.

  4. I like the idea of a resentment box. They are hard to let go of, that’s for sure. My depression is kicking me in the ass again. I saw a different doctor for my med refills last week. She asked about my mood, how has it been for the past two weeks. She was a young woman, thirties maybe and what I want to say to her was that I have been fighting depression for the past 47 years and you’re asking how the last two weeks have been. But I didn’t. And apparently I’m not fine. My stepdaughter is killing me.

    • I went to a similar appointment last week. Same situation where I was asked about my mood. It doesn’t seem there is even any point anymore to even discuss it. I am depressed. I have never not been depressed. But hang in there LC. Let hold hands during this time. It makes it a little more bearable knowing I’m not alone.

  5. I have a drawer/box under my Quan Yin statue that I put prayers in. For other people and just life in general. But I hold the resentment inside, so cancer, who knows? But the box sounds helpful and fire is cleansing. I am a Gemini and air feeds fire. In fact you can’t have fire without it. So yes, what a great idea – letting go.
    I’ve been having a reeeally hard time lately, kind of afraid to blog about it, since I did so good on the last one. But you make me feeling seen, Birdie, when you talk about your own feelings and experiences. I don’t feel so alone. I hope tomorrow is brighter for you.

  6. This time of year just closes in on me. I love your resentment box idea! And such a powerful, unifying thought that some of us will be sharing in casting light on the darkness. Thank you❤

    • When I was younger I didn’t understand how this time of the year could be hard. Now that I am older, but no wiser, I understand. I miss so many of my family members. And the world being what it is, I feel such hopelessness. Throw in some depression and things so close in. I do try. If there were medals for trying I would be the winner. Yoda can fuck off with there is no try, only do. I’m so glad we found each other through blogging. You make me feel less alone.

  7. This post was a perfect length.
    I needed to read it. I needed to be reminded to let grudges/resentments go. They poison me when I hang on to them.
    I needed to remember that I am not alone when I worry and despair about where we are taking this world.
    Thank you. So very much.

    • I wish it could be as easy as that. Right now I am having a huge issue with anger and resentment. It’s exhausting and makes me feel ill. The person I am angry at does not care at all about me or her behaviour but she has a direct effect on my life. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. The issue will definitely be taking up room in the resentment box.

  8. You do know that DT was not voted for by half the voters? Most people did not vote for him so take some strength from that knowledge. I loved your Solstice burning box idea. I do something similar but just burn a slip of paper with the things I wish to get rid of or the things I need to resolve in my life. I haven’t done it in a few years and your reminder has me thinking of new ways to work this into my solstice. It sounds like you are enjoying your time off, you deserve it!

    • I enjoy my time off but I was back at work today. Luckily it was a client that I love and then a hour respite where the client just wanted to watch TV.

  9. It has been a very hard year for the U.S. and beyond. I know that other countries are looking at us and wondering what the heck happened. Yesterday’s elections results have given me new hope. I hope our elections in 2018 go as well. People are fed up. People (mostly women) stood in line in the pouring rain on Tuesday to cast their votes for the party that is NOT associated with DT.

    • I ache for my friends in the US. Things got so bad so fast. Sometimes I think I am going to wake up and it will all have been a horrible nightmare and then I will blog about and everyone will laugh.

    • For me, the light works. I paid under $100.00 for mine. They used to run at least $400.00 and higher if you wanted a good quality one. With more people knowing about the scientific proof of light therapy the prices have come down dramatically. For me, it’s a must living in the Pacific Northwest.

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