Well, I am sitting here in front of my SAD light with a cup of coffee. I’m pretty sure Norbert is meditating. I have taken some time off work this week. I have to work every Stat holiday so I get days off in lieu. Sometimes I think I would prefer the actual day off because I miss out on a lot of fun stuff. But it is nice to have a stretch of days off in a row.
This year has been such a sad one. Starting in January with an insane person becoming leader. That has done something to me fundamentally. I’m not even American and it messed me up. It made me think that maybe I was wrong about people. I used to think that most people were good and kind. I mean, DT is DT. He is insane and scary and I expect him to act as he does. But when half of the people think he is a good choice for leader it made me rethink things. That maybe most people are not good. Most people are not kind. And that we as a society are past the tipping point and there is no hope for any of us. It has made me want to tell my kids to not have kids. It has made me feel that it’s only a matter of time before the human race is done for. So, this year, for the first time ever, I have decided to celebrate Advent. Advent in my own way, that is. The four Sundays before Christmas I will light a candle. The individual candles represent Hope, Preparation Joy and Love. I’m doing this because I’m weary. I’m weary of feeling hopeless, desperate for answers, sad, depressed and angry. I don’t know if celebrating Advent will make a difference but I am still going to try. I ordered an advent wreath and candles last night online. Will keep you posted on this.
And of course, it is Resentment Box time! Whoo hooo! These dark short days have their way with me. What a perfect time to make something good of it. For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while will know that I burn a box on Winter Solstice. Through the month of December, this year will include the rest of November, I write things on pieces of paper that are bothering me, put them in a sealed box, and burn it on December 21, the shortest and darkest day of the year. For me it represents going from darkness to light. From anger to love. From despair to hopefulness. I started the box the first December after my mom died. I was so sad and angry. I was angry at certain people like an aunt who came out of the woodwork as my mom was dying. She had been so mean to my mom her whole life but I guess guilt kicked in and she was nice to my mom during her last year. But, a leopard doesn’t change its spots (or is its stripes?) and after my mom died she went back to her mean self. She actually reminds me of Grace on Grace and Frankie. Only she isn’t funny and would never associate with someone like Frankie in real life. She is a snob of the highest caliber. In her opinion, people like me and my mom are riff raff, rednecks and hillbillies. Anyway, my anger at her was eating me up. I tried to reach out to her and be kind but every attempt I made was ignored. One time I sent her some old photos from her wedding in 1970 and the engagement announcement. I thought she would be pleased because her husband had died 6 years previous and she missed him desperately. She didn’t even reply to the email. Another time I sent her an article that mentioned her that I came across while doing genealogy. Nothing. And so I became angrier. And bitter. And I needed to do something about it. And so, the Resentment Box started. Since then I take a look at my life at this time of the year and think about what relationships make me a shitty and angry and bitter person. I write their name and what is pissing me off and put it in a sealed box and then burn it. Sometimes it helps. Other times not. But I love the idea.
Well, this has been a long post, hasn’t it?