As it always goes this time of the year, dark days are around me, literally and figuratively. It seems absolutely pointless to write about it. Because it’s all been written before. Just the feelings of despair and hopelessness. The utter meaningless of all of it. Just lifting my hands to write this post exhausts me and yet tears fall endlessly. How can that be? Shouldn’t they stop at some point? It seems every single thing that has made me sad or depressed in the past is making me sad and depressed today. I’m so tired but can’t sleep.

When I was little I had so much love and support surrounding me. My mom, my grandmothers, my (step) dad. Now, they are all gone in one form or another. The women are gone forever, my dad lives 3 hours away and that’s not when he’s not in Arizona. A few days back someone asked me who my supports were. You know what my first thought was? All of you. My fucking blog. I don’t reach out to people because who would want to be burdened with this? My husband is who he is and I made the decision to marry him knowing full well that he is not an emotionally supportive man. Serves me right. My fault. Not his. Mine. And so, I try to live my life with the thought that Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi and the Dalai Lama are right. That loving and giving back are the ways to peace and happiness. I guess I am missing a step. Most days I am okay. I really am. But this darkness is always there, waiting below the surface, waiting for the winds to stir it up. The winds come, and there it is. The darkness. Sometimes I am convinced that this is how I will meet my end. Because it’s too much. Like I have said before, all can be well but I never know when a new wave will roll in, threatening to overtake. It robs the good days. It steals from the joy. You know what? It’s a Catch 22. If you have never experienced depression and anxiety you will not understand. I’ve been told so many times, in one form or another, to snap out of it. And unless you have gone through this you cant understand and think that I should just be happy and just stop feeling sorry for myself and try harder. And herein lies the dilemma. You cant understand. And I would never, ever wish this on you so you could. I would not want you to know how this feels. And yet, I think that is why so many of you read this blog. Because you get it. Yes you, Hannah and Mary and Angella and Lolly and Annette and Sparkless and Lily Cedar. I can’t write anymore names and I know there are a lot more. The thing that gets to me most is you are all such beautiful souls. None of you deserve this.

Ah, I don’t know. I don’t know shit.

But there is this. I hope you listen because it’s one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Tell me if you get what he is singing about.

16 thoughts on “

  1. I could have written this. My eyes are still a puffy mess from last night’s cry. My medication has not been working very well for a while now and hubby has no capacity to provide emotional support. But true. We have the shining lights in the dark such as each other. Just reading your post made the cloud lift. Ugh, is that horrible to say? I don’t want anyone to suffer this, but not being alone helps.

  2. Yes, I do understand and yes, it is happening here too.
    All we can do is hold on, Birdie, because a day will come when it will be okay. A day or maybe two or three. Who knows? Until then, just…keep…on.
    And do what you have to do in order to keep on.
    Thinking of you and loving you.
    M

  3. Heartfelt hugs.
    And winces. I was asked today where my supports are – and like you my first thoughts were the blogosphere.
    And yes, the blues follow us. Living and loving are indeed a gamble.

  4. Hi sweetie. I have not experienced what you do but someone very dear to me does live with something similar and I have walked beside her as best I can trying to understand, empathize and be present. You are not alone and the thoughts that run through your head are lies…all lies. I will never understand why some people have to struggle so much more than others with this horrible Illness but don’t stop sharing, don’t stop writing. Sending you my best, warmest mom type hug

  5. Yup, we all know your pain in one way or another. You do whatever gives you hope and strength and we will be there to cheer you on and we will also be there when you need a ear to talk to.

  6. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that your readers are your support system. I think there’s a pretty non-judgemental group out there willing to “listen” and lend a shoulder. I’m so sorry you are experiencing a low right now. Keep on posting, it has to have some sort of cathartic benefits. Hang in there ‘hon. -Jenn

  7. People who tell you to snap out of it have no fucking Idea what you or I or any other person with this kind of depression go through. I call it the “Dark Times”. I get it about now too. I hide it most of the time by trying to uplift others with funny shit on my blog. Meds don’t help 99% of the time. David doesn’t know why I don’t eat dinner with him, or why I don’t sleep. I can’t tell him what it feels like because there are no words to describe my “Dark Times”. One would have to go through it to understand what we feel.

  8. I get tiny tastes of depression and/or anxiety, and am fortunate they don’t last more than a half-hour or so. To have those feelings stick around for days or weeks or months must be a terrible challenge. Hang in there, friend. – Kate

    • Rachelkellywoo, I am glad that reading my words help you in some way. If it wasn’t for my blog, well, I don’t know where I would be. The blogging world is my biggest support and has been for a long time. I am so good at faking it and very few people know how bad my depression and anxiety can get sometimes. Here I am honest and open. And if writing helps at least one person, it’s all worth it. Actually, if going through this helps one person it’s worth it. Thanks for visiting. Breathe, dear one. Holding your hand. xo

      Do you have a blog?

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