As it always goes this time of the year, dark days are around me, literally and figuratively. It seems absolutely pointless to write about it. Because it’s all been written before. Just the feelings of despair and hopelessness. The utter meaningless of all of it. Just lifting my hands to write this post exhausts me and yet tears fall endlessly. How can that be? Shouldn’t they stop at some point? It seems every single thing that has made me sad or depressed in the past is making me sad and depressed today. I’m so tired but can’t sleep.
When I was little I had so much love and support surrounding me. My mom, my grandmothers, my (step) dad. Now, they are all gone in one form or another. The women are gone forever, my dad lives 3 hours away and that’s not when he’s not in Arizona. A few days back someone asked me who my supports were. You know what my first thought was? All of you. My fucking blog. I don’t reach out to people because who would want to be burdened with this? My husband is who he is and I made the decision to marry him knowing full well that he is not an emotionally supportive man. Serves me right. My fault. Not his. Mine. And so, I try to live my life with the thought that Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi and the Dalai Lama are right. That loving and giving back are the ways to peace and happiness. I guess I am missing a step. Most days I am okay. I really am. But this darkness is always there, waiting below the surface, waiting for the winds to stir it up. The winds come, and there it is. The darkness. Sometimes I am convinced that this is how I will meet my end. Because it’s too much. Like I have said before, all can be well but I never know when a new wave will roll in, threatening to overtake. It robs the good days. It steals from the joy. You know what? It’s a Catch 22. If you have never experienced depression and anxiety you will not understand. I’ve been told so many times, in one form or another, to snap out of it. And unless you have gone through this you cant understand and think that I should just be happy and just stop feeling sorry for myself and try harder. And herein lies the dilemma. You cant understand. And I would never, ever wish this on you so you could. I would not want you to know how this feels. And yet, I think that is why so many of you read this blog. Because you get it. Yes you, Hannah and Mary and Angella and Lolly and Annette and Sparkless and Lily Cedar. I can’t write anymore names and I know there are a lot more. The thing that gets to me most is you are all such beautiful souls. None of you deserve this.
Ah, I don’t know. I don’t know shit.
But there is this. I hope you listen because it’s one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Tell me if you get what he is singing about.