Not sure what is wrong with me. I continue to be tired and cranky. And overwhelmed. And disconnected from everything. I haven’t had time off work since March so that could be it. Six months is a long time to go without taking time off, especially in healthcare. I have to work two more weeks then I have two weeks off in September but we can’t afford to do much more than a couple of overnight trips. But honestly, I think my disconnect and discontent goes beyond having time off. It’s just…life. It’s coming up to the 6th year anniversary since my mom died. It was this week six years ago that my mom went into palliative care. She never came home again. I remember riding with her in the ambulance knowing that I would never see her alive again in her home, in her chair. It was a brutal time. And now, I just miss her with a dull ache. Nothing can make it better. Certainly not time, that’s for certain. If it isn’t better after 6 years it’s obviously never going to be better. Most days are okay, they really are, but something about this time of the year, the ending of summer, the way the light changes, it causes this sadness. That’s what I am. Im sad. Really, really sad.
So much has changed since my mom died. She was the glue in our family. I haven’t seen my step-sister since Christmas, my step-dad twice. In our family we never used the word step but now that my mom is gone I feel like we are a step family. I don’t even really see my brother anymore. It bothers me that the three of them see each other all the time but my work schedule doesn’t allow it. We all used to live in the same community but now my (step) dad lives in a village three hours away and because my brother is pretty much unemployed, he can go there whenever he wants. He spends time there for weeks at a time. My step-sister is there a lot too with her husband and two girls. When my mom was alive I never went more than a week without seeing them. Ah, but I am coming across as whining. It’s just a new normal. Death in a different form.
Last night I weighed in at my weight loss support group and now I have 7.6 pounds to goal. I should be happy about that but the fat woman inside me is loud and unkind so I still feel fat and dumpy. FYI – my goal is to lose 39 pounds. Not 40. I’m not sure why. I should probably just make it an even 40.
So, that is all for tonight. I’m tired. So tired.