Not sure what is wrong with me. I continue to be tired and cranky. And overwhelmed. And disconnected from everything. I haven’t had time off work since March so that could be it. Six months is a long time to go without taking time off, especially in healthcare. I have to work two more weeks then I have two weeks off in September but we can’t afford to do much more than a couple of overnight trips. But honestly, I think my disconnect and discontent goes beyond having time off. It’s just…life. It’s coming up to the 6th year anniversary since my mom died. It was this week six years ago that my mom went into palliative care. She never came home again. I remember riding with her in the ambulance knowing that I would never see her alive again in her home, in her chair. It was a brutal time. And now, I just miss her with a dull ache. Nothing can make it better. Certainly not time, that’s for certain. If it isn’t better after 6 years it’s obviously never going to be better. Most days are okay, they really are,  but something about this time of the year, the ending of summer, the way the light changes, it causes this sadness. That’s what I am. Im sad. Really, really sad.

So much has changed since my mom died. She was the glue in our family. I haven’t seen my step-sister since Christmas, my step-dad twice. In our family we never used the word step but now that my mom is gone I feel like we are a step family. I don’t even really see my brother anymore. It bothers me that the three of them see each other all the time but my work schedule doesn’t allow it. We all used to live in the same community but now my (step) dad lives in a village three hours away and because my brother is pretty much unemployed, he can go there whenever he wants. He spends time there for weeks at a time. My step-sister is there a lot too with her husband and two girls. When my mom was alive I never went more than a week without seeing them. Ah, but I am coming across as whining. It’s just a new normal. Death in a different form.

Last night I weighed in at my weight loss support group and now I have 7.6 pounds to goal. I should be happy about that but the fat woman inside me is loud and unkind so I still feel fat and dumpy. FYI – my goal is to lose 39 pounds. Not 40. I’m not sure why. I should probably just make it an even 40.

So, that is all for tonight. I’m tired. So tired.

11 thoughts on “

  1. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.
    I don’t think grief is something we ever get over. It is something we find a way (mostly) to live with. It changes us. And anniversaries are times for her to poke sharp bony fingers in our eyes and heart.

  2. Looking at this a different way, I think it is wonderful and enviable that you had the kind of a relationship with your mother that causes you to miss her every day. Not everyone can say that. It is a shame that you don’t see the rest of your family as often. Could you skype?? I’m 2 + hours away from my siblings and we see each other at Christmas, Thanksgiving, sometimes Easter… Hang in there. And look forward to those blessed two weeks away from your work. -Jenn

  3. No, time doesn’t make it all better, does it? Not with death, not with much. We may think it does, but it’s like we humans are nothing more than capsules of memory. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I had a good day yesterday and it was wonderful. Just…normal stuff. You know? And today I’ve woken up in that dark place again.
    I does make me happy to hear that you’re so close to your weight goal. Try to take pride in that, Birdie. And hang on until a better day.

  4. I don’t think we ever stop missing our loved ones who have passed. Take some time to remember the good memories and be kind to yourself and allow some time to just miss your mom. My family dynamics are changing with my parents not wanting to host family events anymore and no one else having enough space to do so. I don’t see us getting together nearly as often and I’m feeling sad about that myself. What’s really pathetic is we all live in the same town except for my brother.
    Anyway, feel better soon.

  5. Are you really close to your brother and step-sister? If so, when you get your time off you should make plans to go see them. I’ve been thinking of taking some time this fall and go see my two brothers. I haven’t seen them since 2004.
    Loving hugs to you in your sad time, my friend. Smoke some MJ, it will make you feel better.

  6. My grandma is the glue. My mom- I can’t even. I won’t survive it. Hope you’re feeling better every minute. I like bike-riding and Benny and June when i’m sad.

  7. I am fatter than I have ever been and my admiration runs very deep that you can loose any weight at all, while battling depression. Im not depressed so much as just frustrated and impatient and I comfort myself with food. My family has gone through those same changes since my mom died. I NEVER hear from my half-siblings. We share the same mom…its very hurtful and sad. I hear you on that loss. Love yourself Birdie….because you are surely worthy of so so much love and care.

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