Well, its considerably cooler but the smoke continues. This morning I had to run a few errands and was glad to get back inside my home and out of the smoke. My husband is still quite weak so I have been staying home with him instead of going to work.

For some reason I am feeling depressed and anxious. Or is it anxious and depressed? I never know what comes first with me. Maybe it was because of the week I have had or breathing in smoke for the last three days or a woodpecker ate a spider in Southeast Asia or watching the Netflix documentary, What the Health. This depression/anxiety never really leaves me. It's always there waiting for something to stir it up. At any rate, it's a dark day here. And I am so very tired. I have been getting my HIITs cardio on my stationary recumbent bike in daily and every time I do it I want to not be doing it. So far, no marked weight loss but I am have better endurance and can go faster than when I started. Is that a good thing? Probably. See? Depression takes that small achievement from me and tells me that I am still fat and will probably get cancer or have a heart attack anyway so what's the use?

Damn. I hate writing posts like this. So negative. So heavy.

Here's a picture of Norbert. The poor baby. He has such a difficult life.

I might take an Ativan tonight. I don't remember the last time I took one. Months ago. Or maybe I will see what is new in Mary Jane's world.

15 thoughts on “

  1. Depression and anxiety are incestuous cousins. It is very difficult to get one of them without the other. I do hope Ativan or Mary Jane can help.
    Norbert’s cousin Jazz is skulking in out wardrobe at the moment. Sulking because my brother and his wife visited and because we don’t have the heater turned up to the levels he requires. He is no doubt moulting up a storm.
    I hope your husband is improving.

  2. Oh I love you Birdie. So honest and relatable. I can imagine with your husband being ill and breathing in smoke it would get to you. I have that background noise too. It’s so nice when it stays in the background and doesn’t take over the day. I wish you peace. Love, Joanne

    • Oh, Joanne. Your comment made me so glad. I love you too. I really hope you start a blog. You are so lovely and just having your comments are not enough. Please? 💕

  3. Yes this smoke thing is getting old not to mention the unbearable heat! Sorry to hear you are struggling with your anxiety and depression. Some days I don’t have anything good to say and I try real hard to keep my mouth closed but unfortunately I don’t succeed that often. I hope you start to feel better soon or the meds kick in.

  4. Not a negative post Birdie. You write so well and I for one connect with your words about what might make the depression and anxiety take over on a particular day, yes it is sometimes a mystery – a woodpecker eating a spider or whatever. Yes too I recognise those voices telling you what’s the point in trying because X might happen. I thought I might be having a heart attack yesterday but of course it wasn’t anything like that. Then I dreamed my son was having one and I was sat next to him. Ugh.

    It doesn’t take much to become overwhemed does it? And all of us who do experience mental illness work so hard to stay well, we have to be so “on it.” It’s exhausting. Then you forget for a while and really start to live…..that’s where I am at the moment. Starting to feel able to live…..but still afraid to do anything that might take my energy and wellness away.

    I hope this comment does not add to your feelings of anxiety and depression, that wasn’t my intention. Just to say please keep writing when you can, it is not negative and helps others to feel less alone.

  5. Lily has lost a great deal of weight and part of that is working out on her elliptical l machine regularly. I am so proud of her and she looks beautiful and feels so healthy.
    I call anxiety and depression the evil Siamese twins. Or would conjoined twins be more correct? Whatever. There they are, hand-in-hand, always ready to smother us with their attentions. May they get distracted and leave you alone for awhile.

  6. I hope you toked on MJ. Taking pills is so dangerous. You might also try more time meditating. Take care of yourself, my dear. Sending healing vibes for you and your husband.

  7. Dear Birdie, I read the last five or six of your posts so as to discover what had happened with your husband. I’m so relieved that he is at home now, wanting to work in the garden, and if feeling better. You’ve taken wonderful care of him.

    But let’s be a little more gracious to you! It takes a lot out of anyone when someone they love is ill. We feel powerless then. Or at least unable to bring about the immediate change we want. So it’s not surprising that you are feeling anxious and somewhat depressed. You’ve been through the ups and downs of the milling process!

    Please be good to yourself. Please be patient with yourself. Your body is telling you, I think, that you need to go with the flow of your life right now. Tomorrow I hope to post about inner peace and how I believe it comes from self-love. I’ll be thinking of you when I write that because I know you struggle with this. BE GRACIOUS TO YOURSELF. Peace.

  8. As you know I live with these monsters as well…I read an article recently that said depression to us. It is so fucking true. You should be proud of the exercise but depression says otherwise. Well, I am proud of you for hanging in through this shit.

  9. I haven’t read, or written a single blop post (well that one’s obvious) for almost 2 months now…!
    But I am back here to visit you and although this is not the happiest of your post’s, it is so good to read you again! I hope things get a bit more evened out for you – and your husband, I don’t know what happened there, but I wish the best for both of you.

    Miss you xoxo

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