Today

Today I started telephone counselling. Because I don’t have anything left in me to get in my car, drive, find a parking spot, pay for it, then go and then bear my soul and my heart and my mind.  It’s too painful. It’s too tentative. These last few months has put my fear at probably an all time high.  My body is always rigid with tension. My breath is always shallow and quick. My stomach feels sick all the time. I have had headaches for weeks now. I’m losing weight. 

So I spoke to a counsellor for almost an hour today in the comfort of my own home. In my chair. She was so gentle and loving. She absolutely believes I have been dealing with PTSD. I told her things that my biological father did to me, things I can’t  share even here. The call today was just an introduction and she will be calling me next week. She had so many questions about me and my kids and my family. She even asked me about Norbert. She asked about my work and my latest health issues. Several times throughout the conversation she was just quiet and just said,  “Wow”. She  would pause for breath,  thinking about the things I was telling her.  There was no condensation. No implication that I was something broken that needed to be fixed. She just … she just held space for me.  We talked about my being and Empath and a Highly Sensitive Person. We talked about so many things in that hour. At the end of the call she gave me a few things to do. One is to start a letter to myself as a little girl. She cautioned that I take it slow. I get why. In the past I have tried to speak to the little girl in me about the abuse and I never get past the first few sentences then feel pain from the deepest part of me. Painful doesn’t describe it. 
Anyway. I am so grateful for all of you. (We talked about my blog too.) I am not kidding. For those of you that don’t understand, those of you that had loving and supportve families, but still send love. For those of you that carry your own childhood pain and hurt deeply and send love. I’m grateful for all of you. 

PS – I am proofreading this and I know it doesn’t flow properly. Just doing my best with a complicated situation. Thanks for your patience. 

21 thoughts on “Today

  1. It sounds like you have found someone good and hats off to you for being willing to work with her. What you are attempting is not easy. I hope it is positive and fruitful for you. Hugs to you!

  2. I’m so glad you found someone you are comfortable talking to. That’s half the battle in accepting help. I hope you do take it easy on the letter to yourself. Be gentle with you. I love you and understand so much of what you’ve been thru. Joanne

  3. Wow, what a wonderful thing you are doing, Birdie. She sounds like a really good counselor, those are the things they are supposed to say and I’m so glad you found her. I’m holding you in my heart, you can do this.

  4. It sounds like you’ve found a good one, there! I’m so glad you are talking to someone. I firmly believe you can move forward and start to have a more enjoyable life. There is definitely hope. -Jenn

  5. Good for you for reaching out and talking to someone. It’s natural for humans who are suffering emotionally to reach out to another person, speak about the troubles to divide this pain. Also, the empathetic ear can validate your feelings making you feel heard when you feel so small, hopeless and seemingly helpless.

    Don’t forget your tattoo! I was reminded by a friend to breathe yesterday and the act of breathing didn’t seem to make a difference, but rather that the friend genuinely offered me encouragement.

    To be continued as always … My needy cats are crying to be fed. Say hi to Norbert for me.

    Hang in there! We’re all seemingly suffering some sort of sh#t!!! ❤

  6. Awww Birdie. You brave girl.
    You are surrounded by love at this moment. I’m sending it and I know that each of your readers are too. (((Hug)))

  7. Glad to hear that counselling can be done via telephone — so convenient! And holy moly, you covered a lot of territory in one hour! I hope it helps you feel better and lowers your anxiety back down to a low level.

  8. Bless your heart, dear friend. I am glad you were able to share things that have affected you, and it sounds as if you have a very caring and empathetic woman to listen and provide you good counsel. Many warm hugs and lots of love to you.

  9. My dear sweet friend, I’m sending you warm loving hugs. So much stress and hurt in your life, I wish I could be there and give you real hugs to help make you feel better. I’m hoping the phone counseling will help you.

  10. Love from over here is winging its way over there. Toni sends one of her best doggie hugs too. She says she probably wouldn’t get on with Norbert due a conflict of interests. 😂

  11. It flows perfectly.
    So glad to think that is something for you to hold on to and perhaps a little more hope. I’m sending big warm hugs your way (and Norberts too)♥♥♥

  12. Great step Birdie. 🙂 I’ve always related well to much of what you go through when you write of your sensitivities and the feelings you experience. I have CPTSD, as you know. There is hope beyond the way you feel right now. xox

  13. I’m glad you have somebody to talk to. Shit doesn’t go anywhere on it’s own; it’s needs to come out and you’re doing that. I can imagine it’s painful and awful but it’s wonderful for you as well. Sending hugs.

    • She works through my Employee Assistance Program. I feel so blessed because I’ve had one that actually laughed at me when I was crying. I am sure she meant no harm and was trying to break the tension or lighten the mood but it was awful.

  14. Oh Birdie…this made my eyes tear up. There are a lot of us, I fear, that live with our hidden stories of childhood pain and brokenness. I wish I could squeeze your hand friend. I pray for you to find the healing you need to set you free from that dark place. Love you.

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