Today I started telephone counselling. Because I don’t have anything left in me to get in my car, drive, find a parking spot, pay for it, then go and then bear my soul and my heart and my mind. It’s too painful. It’s too tentative. These last few months has put my fear at probably an all time high. My body is always rigid with tension. My breath is always shallow and quick. My stomach feels sick all the time. I have had headaches for weeks now. I’m losing weight.
So I spoke to a counsellor for almost an hour today in the comfort of my own home. In my chair. She was so gentle and loving. She absolutely believes I have been dealing with PTSD. I told her things that my biological father did to me, things I can’t share even here. The call today was just an introduction and she will be calling me next week. She had so many questions about me and my kids and my family. She even asked me about Norbert. She asked about my work and my latest health issues. Several times throughout the conversation she was just quiet and just said, “Wow”. She would pause for breath, thinking about the things I was telling her. There was no condensation. No implication that I was something broken that needed to be fixed. She just … she just held space for me. We talked about my being and Empath and a Highly Sensitive Person. We talked about so many things in that hour. At the end of the call she gave me a few things to do. One is to start a letter to myself as a little girl. She cautioned that I take it slow. I get why. In the past I have tried to speak to the little girl in me about the abuse and I never get past the first few sentences then feel pain from the deepest part of me. Painful doesn’t describe it.
Anyway. I am so grateful for all of you. (We talked about my blog too.) I am not kidding. For those of you that don’t understand, those of you that had loving and supportve families, but still send love. For those of you that carry your own childhood pain and hurt deeply and send love. I’m grateful for all of you.
PS – I am proofreading this and I know it doesn’t flow properly. Just doing my best with a complicated situation. Thanks for your patience.