My Meditation For Today

For my meditation today I am actually going to write a blog post. I’m sitting here.

My rock collection of mantras is in front of me.

My meditation cards are there on the right in the cupboard. There are also beads that are standing in until I get a real meditation set. I have my “tuffet” that everyone else calls a cushion. It should be a perfect place to sit and just be quiet. A place to just be.

But the reality is, the perfect place to meditate is right where you are right now. Right where your feet are at. In my car I have a little note that says, “Be where your feet are”.  Meditation is about your mind wandering and coming back to centre. Your mind wandering then coming back to centre. Ad infintium. Meditation isn’t a place. It’s a verb. An active place of quieting and then your brain going off in every possible and weird direction. Then quieting again. For just a few moments. The reason I got Breathe tattooed on my wrist is because it never ends.  My mind is never quiet. But being aware of it’s un-quietness is in itself meditation. On my iPod I have reminders set to “check-in”.  Because like everyone else, maybe even moreso, my mind is always going a million miles an hour. It goes from just sitting in my car eating blueberries and pumpkin seeds to being so anxious that we are going to die in a nuclear war that I want to call in sick and go home and cry myself to sleep. (That was exactly what happened today but I didn’t get to the point of going home and crying myself to sleep.) I have to check in with myself. My anxiety prone brain sends signals to my anxious body to panic. My body send messages back to my brain to think of a way out. And around it goes. At times in my life it has placed me in such fear I would not, could not, move. I would wet myself and sit like that until the anxiety let its hold up just a little. I would go change, shame washing over me. I had let it happen again. Who wets themselves at 23 years old? At times, I would wet the bed because I could not move. Do you know how embarrassing and humiliating it is to wet the bed at 17 years old?

Looking back, I see just how amazingly far I have come. Now I can hold down a job. I have close relationships. Everyday I make a positive difference in someone’s life. Yes, I still go to dark places with this mix of depression and anxiety. It will always be with me. I am flawed. Maybe more than most. I try to be aware when I am pushing emotions away like they are not welcome, like they are bad. They feel bad but they are not bad. This afternoon I had a conversation with my neighbour who lost her husband just over two years ago. She told me that she is lonely BUT she has it better than most and she looks at the positive.  My thoughts were that just because others have it better does not mean her experience is not valid. Looking at the positive is not acknowledging her own pain. Pain is there for a reason. Pain is not the sickness.  Pain is the sign of sickness.  Her pain needs to be acknowledged and not shoved away because she has it better than most. And I am not talking about dwelling or feeling sorry for herself.   Her husband died. The only man she had ever been with. Her best friend is gone. Telling  herself that others have it worse is not accepting the pain for what it is. Pain. For me? Pushing away panic, anxiety and depression is not acknowledging the pain. It’s not acknowledging my fear. It’s not acknowledging that my childhood was shattered. The times I have been my most healthy mentally is when I welcome the pain. I acknowledge that it is trying to tell me something.  As soon as I give it a name it shrinks.

Okay. That’s it for today. I’m going for a walk and don’t have time to proofread so I hope this all makes sense.

16 thoughts on “My Meditation For Today

  1. Oh Birdie, thanks for opening up and sharing so much of yourself today. I’m sorry that you are having the mind struggles. If we all honest with ourselves we all struggle. And yes, I do believe that another’s pain needs to be acknowledged and validated.

    Your breathe tattoo is great. I need to remind myself of many things like breathing that I’d never be able to choose just one tattoo — I’d be one big tattoo.

    Know you are not alone in your struggles. I am fighting my own battle with something right now and am suffering anxiety. Some moments are better than others.

    I love reading your blog even if they are not all fluffy it about Norbert … But they are real posts from your heart. Take care Birdie! ❤

  2. It more than makes sense.
    It is real. It is true. It is valuable. It is you.
    We don’t ‘get over’ the grief and the fear in our life. At best we find a way to accommodate them. Mostly. Sometimes they demand centre stage.
    Hugs. And much love and gratitude.

  3. Perfect sense. How I love your self care despite your brain being on overdrive. Keep on working on it. Keep on learning self love. No one should be ashamed of their anxiety. It has such power. Thank you being vulnerable and sharing so openly. We can help each other when we are able. Xxoo

  4. Beautiful. “As soon as I give it a name it shrinks” brought tears to my eyes. It makes me think of those old fairy tales, like Rumpelstilskin. When she guessed his name, he lost power over her.

  5. Your body is used to its “fight or flight” mode from your childhood. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is just how your brain deals with situations that it interprets as dangerous. I’m sending you hugs because you deserve them. -Jenn

  6. Just putting one foot in front of the other when you can is enough in my view Birdie and accepting yourself and what has happened to you. Not accepting that what happened to you was acceptable, not that….but accepting that this is where you are…here and yourself with all of your flaws and all of your gifts. Like you say so well in your post, here is the place we have to work with. Here.

    Looking on the brightside and being positive…yes it is a recipe for disaster if we cannot first or at the sametime..accept and acknowlege the pain.

    You do make a positive difference to the lives of others everyday, how could you not? You are so loving and wise and warm and honest and courageous. X

  7. Meditating is so therapeutic, Birdie, and thank you so much for sharing yourself! I hope that sharing this post helps you as well. Love and hugs to you.

  8. I love your rock collection of mantras. That is so cool! And you are right about pain. We should acknowledge it. It is not right to say that we shouldn’t feel this or that just because someone might have it worse. In that case, we shouldn’t be happy because someone else has it better. It’s silly. We each have our own experiences and they are all worthy of our attention.

  9. It is said that most of our answers come from our pain – I agree. Especially when we hold it in meditation.
    You are an inspiration, Birdie.
    Bless you.

  10. Yes, that makes sense, perfect sense. Everyone has to find what works for them and if welcoming the pain from your past helps you get through it today then that is the way to go.

    I’m more into guided meditations than ones that involve trying to quiet the mind. I like the feeling of being active during meditation and following the path set out for me. I like imaging what things would look, feel and smell or taste like in my guided meditations. I’ve done a couple of guided meditations so often I don’t need to listen the the woman’s voice telling me where to go and what to do anymore because I know the path now and it’s like my special place to enjoy and feel safe.

  11. Meditation is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? Thank you for reminding me. I haven’t done it in so long. It’s good for us all. You’ve been through so much, Birdie. You’ve had to reach for tools that help you cope, and meditation is an excellent one.

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