Whenever I go into a depression like this I get so cold. No matter what I do I can’t get warm. And depressions like this kill my appetite. I’m a bigger girl and don’t have trouble with eating but when in a dark place like this I can’t eat. I can handle water. It’s not really a concern. There is enough meat on the hoof to last me a good while. 

Today is not any better than yesterday. Mercury is in Retrograde if you believe in that stuff. Not sure if I do or not but my work iPhone was getting emails that were sent days ago and there were all these weird glitches that made no sense so I called IT and they couldn’t help me. 

Work was very difficult today.  Lots of crying in my car but not, thankfully, in front of my clients. I did my job and put on my happy face that I have perfected and nobody was any the wiser. After dealing with depression for so many years I have become so good at faking it. But I can only fake it for so long then a dark wave washes over me and I can’t fake it any longer. Tonight I was supposed to go to my weight loss support group and it would have been good because not eating makes you lose weight and I’m down about 3 pounds from last week. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I’ve been crying most of the afternoon. Now? I’m just numb. And so very sad. 

I know I have posted this 1000 times before but it so aptly describes depression for me. 

Because I want it over and done. I do. I’m tired, boss. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?”

Like I said yesterday, I pray to a silent God. I pray for clarity that never comes. I pray for so many things. My God is a silent one. I admire people with faith. Faith that God is pleased with them and they have a place in heaven. My God tells me, according to scripture, that I am going to hell. (See yesterday’s post.)  To be honest, that is one of the reasons I have not let depression get the better of me and why I don’t kill myself. Because here is better than hell. 

Yikes, that turned dark quickly. 

I will be going to bed early tonight.  I’m just waiting for it to be dark enough to take the garbage to the road.  We are not supposed to put it out the night before but I always do. 

Days like this I want my mom. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

13 thoughts on “

  1. Oh Birdie. Im so sorry you are suffering so. I understand the art of the fake smile. I’m sure you are champion, as am I. I could tell you horrible stories of things I would handle or get a phone call about and then rush off to work and paste that stupid smile on my face like the whole world hadn’t just shifted underneath me. Do you know who Oswald Chambers is? He wrote a daily devotional called My Utmost for His Highest. He was quite the faith filled guy….and he struggled off and on for many years with deep deep depression. I know you just want some relief.

  2. I always want a mom when I feel bad or sad – just not my mom. I am sorry you had a hard day today today. I hope tomorrow is a lot better. Love, joanne

  3. Please keep hanging in there. I don’t know if you use antidepressants or not, but don’t discount seeing a doctor to help you through this, ok? -Jenn

  4. Dearest friend, I totally comprehend and feel your pain. Last year I went through such a deep and long depression I thought I would not pull through. Worst I had ever experienced. So I do understand, and totally empathize. Sending you lots of love and many hugs, and hopes for better days. Give Norbert a hug.

  5. Sweetie, I’m so sorry the Black Dog is with you again. I love that part of The Green Mile. It was the best book that Stephen King wrote. When they made the movie I had to buy it. They picked the perfect actors for the parts. If Norbert will let you, go pet him for a while when you are feeling down. Sometimes it helps.

  6. I’m so sorry you’re are going through this – it’s a bad one. I’m thinking of you Birdie, with thoughts of love and, of course, healing. You will recover, just hang on dear, you’re not alone.

  7. That quote is so spot on. I’ve been there, friend. I’ve been there and back and back again and back… I know it is beyond hard. Beyond what we think we can bear. Yet we do. You can. You will. We will. One hour at a time. One step at a time. The light will return. You are not alone ❤

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