Whenever I go into a depression like this I get so cold. No matter what I do I can’t get warm. And depressions like this kill my appetite. I’m a bigger girl and don’t have trouble with eating but when in a dark place like this I can’t eat. I can handle water. It’s not really a concern. There is enough meat on the hoof to last me a good while.
Today is not any better than yesterday. Mercury is in Retrograde if you believe in that stuff. Not sure if I do or not but my work iPhone was getting emails that were sent days ago and there were all these weird glitches that made no sense so I called IT and they couldn’t help me.
Work was very difficult today. Lots of crying in my car but not, thankfully, in front of my clients. I did my job and put on my happy face that I have perfected and nobody was any the wiser. After dealing with depression for so many years I have become so good at faking it. But I can only fake it for so long then a dark wave washes over me and I can’t fake it any longer. Tonight I was supposed to go to my weight loss support group and it would have been good because not eating makes you lose weight and I’m down about 3 pounds from last week. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I’ve been crying most of the afternoon. Now? I’m just numb. And so very sad.
I know I have posted this 1000 times before but it so aptly describes depression for me.
“Because I want it over and done. I do. I’m tired, boss. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?”
Like I said yesterday, I pray to a silent God. I pray for clarity that never comes. I pray for so many things. My God is a silent one. I admire people with faith. Faith that God is pleased with them and they have a place in heaven. My God tells me, according to scripture, that I am going to hell. (See yesterday’s post.) To be honest, that is one of the reasons I have not let depression get the better of me and why I don’t kill myself. Because here is better than hell.
Yikes, that turned dark quickly.
I will be going to bed early tonight. I’m just waiting for it to be dark enough to take the garbage to the road. We are not supposed to put it out the night before but I always do.
Days like this I want my mom. Maybe tomorrow will be better.