Title. Because I Don’t Have One. 

A few days back I wrote about how I am struggling. I still am. Often I try to not write about anxiety and depression. It is nice to keep things light for you. And it’s nice for me too. For the last 9 or 10 days I’ve had headache that won’t go away. It’s stress. I know that. Anxiety is at an all-time high.  I pray to a silent God to show me some sort of sign that I am not going to hell. Because the years I spent going to church told me that I am. Nobody can talk me out it. It weighs on a person. If you want to know what I believe, go here.  Or don’t. Probably don’t. 

It is exhausting carrying that around.

And then there is the state of the world. My own little world is fine. I have a warm bed at night, access to free healthcare, food in my fridge and clean water. I have people that love me and I go on some little weekend trips throughout the year. I even have the smallest amount of money saved, less than $1000.00 but it’s saved all the same.  Yeah, my own life is fine, good even.  But life is so bad for so many people and it is getting worse. I’m powerless to stop it or even help. I have my job but more often than not I go away feeling that there is so much more to do. So much more. There is never enough time. I can never be enough or do enough to make more than a small difference.  And no amount of medication or counselling can help me deal with any of it. 

I’m just tired. It would be nice to take some time off work and just rest. It is not an option. Not at all. 

Like all things, this too shall pass. In a few days all will be well again. But like hitting your thumb with a hammer, it doesn’t make the time hitting your thumb with a hammer any easier or less painful. And I’m just too overwhelmed to proofread. Excuse the errors. 

22 thoughts on “Title. Because I Don’t Have One. 

  1. Hugs.
    Empathy is a very mixed blessing. And it has very, very sharp teeth.
    Fortunately I don’t battle the fear of hellfire, but I do feel inadequate and that I am not doing enough. And know that it is true.

    • I have been way too empathetic since I was little. As young as I can remember actually. I remember being bullied once in grade 1 or 2 and feeling sad for the bully!

    • I hope so. Most times I leave their homes and feel like I did something positive. Other times, it feels like I would need to move in for a year to make a difference.

  2. Dearest Birdie, I am sending you warm hugs across the miles, and I am glad that you are talking about how you are feeling! Yes, it is good to be positive, and yes, it is good to be happy and smiling, but we are human and we do get down, sad, depressed, angry, whatever. And this is O.K. It is a part of our lives, a stage…and we can grow from whatever we experience in life. My heart goes out to you. Love you.

  3. Just take a deep breath and let it all out. I think everyone in this world has those problems. But I have to say what we have is so much better than those that have nothing or those that have bullets and bombs whistling by them. Sometimes when things get bad, I thank god that I live where I live because I know I’m safe. It lends a whole new perspective to your life when you think about it.

    • It’s the knowledge that others have it so bad that makes me so desperately sad. Even having friends in the US, who are going through so much change is overwhelming for me. I can’t turn it off.

  4. And that’s what I hate about fucking religion. May you be able to some day let it go. Life on its own is hard enough without believing in hell which was invented in order to control the behavior of humans.

    • I so want that to be true. Or that there is some sort of explanation for all this sadness and there is a loving God who won’t send anyone to hell. Even the most evil, because they too almost always have a story.

  5. You make a big difference in all the little things you do for others. I’m a little concerned about a headache lasting that long. Hope it eases soon.

  6. You’re a sensitive soul, Birdie. I think there are a lot of people like us (that includes most of your readers, if not all), and we are never going to be completely free of these feelings that you describe. Let’s hope the depression gets better, but being empathetic is just who we are are, it’s a beautiful, if sometimes painful, part of your lovely self.
    Take care of that headache, yes, see your doctor. x

    • I absolutely agree that the bloggers I have connections with, especially long term, are sensitive. Many experience depression and anxiety as well. I am so grateful for you.

    • I think many people are scared and overwhelmed. It does seem amplified for me. Sometimes sensitivity is a curse. Mostly a blessing. But there are the curses as well.

    • I just got out of the hot tub. Now I am eating some chocolate then going to bed. It’s not even 8:00. I’m so very tired. Thank you, e.

  7. I hope those next few days pass quickly and you are feeling better soon. I’ve always been a worrier and a “what-if-er”, but not to the same extent as you describe. My husband tells me not to worry about things over which I have no control. It is wasted energy. However, knowing it and doing it are two different things, aren’t they? Take care, Birdie. -Jenn

    • I was a born worrier. An abusive biological father and a nervous mother. They both did their best and I don’t blame them. They were just humans who had kids that tried their best. My mom and I were so much alike. I got my best and worst traits from her.

  8. It shall pass. Just sucks that sometimes it passes the way a kidney stone passes. Glad you wrote this Birdie. I posted about struggling just this morning too. I think sharing our struggles makes the struggle worth it in some way.

    • Sharing the struggle is absolutely one of the biggest helps to me. Keeping quiet hinders. Thank you for your blog post today.

Comments are closed.