It is one of those days. A day of darkness. Emotional and physical and spiritual darkness. It is a day of crying and wondering what the point is. A day where death and forever sleep looks so invitating. I know that depression is a liar but when you are under the mire you are still not able to breathe. 

This particular episode came on so fast and has left me with no tools. I am completely bewildered. Usually I can feel the Black Dog of Depression in my neighbourhood but he seemed to come out of nowhere this time. He follows me around telling my that I am worthless and dying would be a sweet release. I don’t have the energy to make a doctor appointment never mind the energy to get there. And really, I don’t care. I’m just so tired. I have been crying for about 15 minutes and my husband is totally ignoring me. He doesn’t have the capacity to deal with me. Who would?

Sorry, readers. This is a blog about depression. I am not looking for attention. Writing is a release. 

25 thoughts on “

  1. This is how one of my girls described it one time to me as she sobbed in bed for the third day straight…..”It came out of no where Mommmmm! My arms and legs feel like they weigh 1000 lbs each. Its too much work to move.” Depression is so real Birdie. And sometimes yes, its like a light switch got flipped and there you are, stuck in the pit. Your chemical make-up shifted and some fine balance got tipped to one side.

    But you are strong, and you have a beautiful spirit and heart. Give yourself today to rest. Be gentle with yourself. And I will be praying for you tonight. Maybe in the morning you will feel strong enough to get up and fight back. But for right now, its ok to just stop and be still my sweet sweet friend. ((((HUG))))

  2. Sweet Birdie – I’m sending out every ounce of love I have to you. You have come to matter to me. I love you. I told you I have been feeling pretty bad lately too so know you’re not alone. You are a beautiful person who feels deeply. Love, Joanne

  3. Oceans of love and caring.
    Sometimes the concrete cloud of depression is impossible to see through.
    Be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself. And know that you are valued and valuable. To others, even when you can’t see if for yourself.

  4. Keep writing, Birdie, it is good to let it out. And crying is good, too, it can heal. Sending you much, much love and many, many hugs. You are a sweet soul.

  5. Both my daughter and I have had long bouts of Very serious depression. She is bipolar one so the episodes go back and forth rapidly – which can go on like that for a long time. I get stuck in long periods of it. It’s very real, Birdie, I take your words seriously. It always feels, when your in it, like no one really understands or believes you. But I do and I hope that tomorrow will be better.
    Keep getting it out here, your safe to do that.
    Sending tons of love and a big ol’ bear hug.
    Love, Liv

  6. “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think, with deep gratitude, of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Albert Schweitzer
    We’re all here for you Birdie. At times you lift us up, and sometimes it’s our turn to lift you up. You truly are a light in this world of ours. Sending you hugs friend. Love, Lolly

  7. I know there is pretty much nothing I can say that will help but I’m going to try anyway. When I feel the black dog, he visits me sometimes even though I wish he wouldn’t, I try to think what it would feel like if I didn’t care about all the things that were bothering me. What if I didn’t care about all the problems in the world or didn’t take on all the worries of everyone around me. What would that feel like? I close my eyes and attempt to feel like that for a little bit. Some days the only way I get through the day is by telling myself that things will get better and I’m okay. Or I just go eat a cookie, that’s pretty good too even though my waist is paying the price for that. I may need to rethink the cookie thing and make myself go for a walk instead before I become a round ball of blubber. But you get my meaning. Things will get better and you are okay, just keep breathing and telling yourself things are bad now and that’s fine cause you will feel better soon. Now go for a walk!

  8. We know, oh we know! Just do the best you can and know that we are here for you. Those swift descents can be so intense. Hugs ❤ I'll be thinking of you.

  9. Taking care of our mental health is serious business, and it can fall to the wayside when stress starts ratcheting up. One of the most important things for my own mental health is to try to avoid all news and politics, and not use social media (including blogging) if things are getting to me too much. Often times social media can be supportive, but there will always be topics that are divisive, and some of those topics will be important to us so we’re extra sensitive. (For example: When I was blogging about my deconversion from religion, I had an endless parade of christians trying to witness to me and reconvert me, which hugely upset me). While I may seem somewhat uninformed about current events these days since my media blackout after the election, my sanity is more important. Hope you feel better soon birdie.

  10. Oh Birdie. I do hope you’re feeling better. I hate that you have to go through such pain. Sending my best thoughts across the miles and hope that they reach you in a hug. ❤

  11. I’m just getting caught up on my reading, I’m sorry I didn’t see this before tonight. I love you and I hope that the weight of this depression has passed. You know where I am, and you know you can always reach out to me. You are my rock and I would love to be the same for you.

  12. Sending a whole box full of hugs and bugs. Unless you don’t want the bugs, then I will keep those and use them next Halloween. Although, by then they might not make it so maybe you can take the bugs too.

  13. I’m so sorry, Birdie. Depression is a horrible thing. I’ve had my run-ins with it, too. Feel better.

  14. I’m so sorry I didn’t see this post earlier. You already know I am feeling the same and so neglecting other people’s blogs. The world and the media do very little to help, why can’t people just be nice to each other? x x

  15. “I have been crying for about 15 minutes and my husband is totally ignoring me. He doesn’t have the capacity to deal with me. Who would?”

    He is your partner, he loves you, it’s his job to deal with you. The big guy doesn’t understand my depression but he does hold me when I cry. He listens and he counsels. Sending hugs Birdie.

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