I Did Nothing

I didn’t exactly do nothing today. I did genealogy. Sometime in the last few days, the Archives released records from 1994 and 1995. I have  been waiting for these! So that’s what I did with my day. All. Day. Long. OK that’s a lie. I did go get a massage (my shoulder is not getting better), went to the grocery store, did four loads of laundry, made a low carb stew, made water kefir, made a batch of kombucha, cut four huge roasts into eight smaller ones, and took out the garbage. I probably did other stuff but it was insignificant. 

I have been struggling lately. Every November I try to spin a positive outlook but 3 weeks in and I am feeling this heavy anxiety. From anxiety comes depression. Everything starts to look  bleak and hopeless. I can’t decide if it is the darkness this time of year or this is my default mood and I just deal with it better the rest of the year. Actually, I think Anxious and Depressed are my default moods. I was born this way. Or my biological father fucked me up so bad that I know no other way of living or thinking or being. I am never not anxious. My heart is heavy. Always. My brain is wired for fear. Actually, that makes me think of something Mary Moon wrote, 

“All I know is that sometimes I think my brain is just wired for fear and loathing and disappointment and worry and was wired that way when I was too young to try and connect it all up in a different way and I was born with a sense of responsibility that was way out of proportion to reality and I will never in this lifetime be done with trying to keep everyone from myself to my children to my chickens safe and protected.”

That sense of responsibility that is way out of proportion to reality. I take so much shit on. Election results in different countries. Recycling every piece of trash and never throwing anything out that can be recycled. The entire food industry. Bullies. Making a mistake. Other people’s happiness. Making sure all the doors are locked.  My clients entire lives. Worrying about people being angry at me. I swear, I never stand up for myself because of this. I am going to be full on victim mode here but I can thank my biological father for that. If he even got a little annoyed the consequences were drastic. I am not necessarily co-dependant. Or maybe I am in the deepest sense of the word. I just fear anyone’s anger. Fear isn’t even the right word. Fear is hard wired into every smallest bit of me. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to not be this way. No therapist has ever made any real headway.

Seriously. November is just too much. November leads to December then January then  February and the waiting for Spring and light. Four months of dark. It is so dark here that the government stopped allowing testing for Vitamin D levels because everyone is majorly deficient. I take Vitamin 3 drops but it doesn’t make up for the fucking dark. You can really only get it if you live in the Pacific Northwest or in somewhere like Great Britain. There is no singing in the rain. 

Well,  now that I have depressed us all I will leave it at that.  I am going to go work on my family tree. 

15 thoughts on “I Did Nothing

  1. How can you talk of depression and anxiety and sadness and leave me with a smile? I needed this right now. I am depressed and anxious and sad. Joanne

  2. Birdie, I am feeling the depression as well and doing my best to fight it and cope. I went out early this morning…it was dry and chilly. An hour later I went out again and it was raining….FREEZING RAIN! 😦 I almost fell but thankfully caught myself in time. So I saw a couple of the small trucks that come onto the sidewalks to add gravel or salt.

    I can deal with the snow, but the ice is an entirely different story. You are not alone, and it sounds to me like you got a lot accomplished today! High five. Much love and hugs to you, dear friend.

  3. You did quite a lot and you feel quite a lot which can be both a blessing and a curse and a quality we share. You warm my cynical heart and thinking of you I smile. Hugs!

  4. I simply adore you. You know that, don’t you ?
    You are the bravest girl, the sweetest one and I simply adore you.
    Love, Liv

    • Hang in there darlin’. Give Norbert a hug and have some pet therapy. Have you dug up anything “juicy” in your family history? (My husband started going to a tanning salon as light therapy last year and he started again this year. He is convinced it has helped his seasonal depression. ) -Jenn

  5. My husband Ron would have loved that cartoon. He worked hard on his family genealogy and none of his siblings seem to have an interest in his labors. Now that is depressing!

  6. I do genealogy, too and I find it to be a very relaxing, almost meditative escape from worry and anxiety. It is so important to have these escapes. You did a lot on the day you wrote this post, by the way. I am impressed, especially knowing you were struggling at the time.

  7. I had forgotten I’d written that. But honestly- it does sort of sum it up. And as you know, I’m struggling now too. I’m sitting here trying to decide whether or not to swallow that antidepressant and what’s holding me back?
    Fear.
    Also, the hopelessness of it working because, well, that’s what depression does.
    Crazy.

  8. So sorry you’re not doing so well. Wish there was something I could do for you. We started getting some colder weather today. Yesterday it was in the 80’s and today it’s in the 50’s. I love this cold weather. It’s supposed to rain starting Friday and it will be in the 40’s. I’m washing all my thermal henley shirts and sweaters. They have been in the trunk for almost 2 years because this past winter was so mild. I also need to break out my coat and put it in the dryer to refresh it. Really I’m trying to keep busy but it’s so hard to do that when there isn’t much to do.

Comments are closed.