I didn’t exactly do nothing today. I did genealogy. Sometime in the last few days, the Archives released records from 1994 and 1995. I have been waiting for these! So that’s what I did with my day. All. Day. Long. OK that’s a lie. I did go get a massage (my shoulder is not getting better), went to the grocery store, did four loads of laundry, made a low carb stew, made water kefir, made a batch of kombucha, cut four huge roasts into eight smaller ones, and took out the garbage. I probably did other stuff but it was insignificant.
I have been struggling lately. Every November I try to spin a positive outlook but 3 weeks in and I am feeling this heavy anxiety. From anxiety comes depression. Everything starts to look bleak and hopeless. I can’t decide if it is the darkness this time of year or this is my default mood and I just deal with it better the rest of the year. Actually, I think Anxious and Depressed are my default moods. I was born this way. Or my biological father fucked me up so bad that I know no other way of living or thinking or being. I am never not anxious. My heart is heavy. Always. My brain is wired for fear. Actually, that makes me think of something Mary Moon wrote,
“All I know is that sometimes I think my brain is just wired for fear and loathing and disappointment and worry and was wired that way when I was too young to try and connect it all up in a different way and I was born with a sense of responsibility that was way out of proportion to reality and I will never in this lifetime be done with trying to keep everyone from myself to my children to my chickens safe and protected.”
That sense of responsibility that is way out of proportion to reality. I take so much shit on. Election results in different countries. Recycling every piece of trash and never throwing anything out that can be recycled. The entire food industry. Bullies. Making a mistake. Other people’s happiness. Making sure all the doors are locked. My clients entire lives. Worrying about people being angry at me. I swear, I never stand up for myself because of this. I am going to be full on victim mode here but I can thank my biological father for that. If he even got a little annoyed the consequences were drastic. I am not necessarily co-dependant. Or maybe I am in the deepest sense of the word. I just fear anyone’s anger. Fear isn’t even the right word. Fear is hard wired into every smallest bit of me. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to not be this way. No therapist has ever made any real headway.
Seriously. November is just too much. November leads to December then January then February and the waiting for Spring and light. Four months of dark. It is so dark here that the government stopped allowing testing for Vitamin D levels because everyone is majorly deficient. I take Vitamin 3 drops but it doesn’t make up for the fucking dark. You can really only get it if you live in the Pacific Northwest or in somewhere like Great Britain. There is no singing in the rain.
Well, now that I have depressed us all I will leave it at that. I am going to go work on my family tree.