I woke up early this morning sad and stressed.   I wrote a post yesterday that turned ugly in the comments.  The comments were stinging and sarcastic. (Why does sarcasm always hurt the most?) A comment from a person that hasn’t really checked in at my blog for a long time but someone that I care about. I have been called many awful things in my life but I have never been accused of hate.  It is one of those times where I second guess everything that I think I am. I am hurt and confused and the whole situation makes me want to say, “Fuck blogging”. Maybe I am just tired. I don’t know.

I had made an appointment yesterday to have my hair coloured and was going to cancel because of my mood but my stylist set that time aside for me and she barely makes enough as it is. I got about 4 inches of the length taken off so now if I have a cute curly bob. And I went all risqué and got a vivid purple colour at the back underneath. It looks cool. I will show a picture if  I am feeling better tomorrow.

The news continues to break my heart and curl dark tentacles around my brain. I ache for you all that are about to have your lives changed drastically.  I am sorry beyond words if I have come across as hateful. I am crying writing this because you are all my people. You are my support system and the ones who have got me through some of the darkest times of my life. I don’t hate Americans. Writing about it only makes me feel like I am digging myself deeper. I do want to apologize. Fuck. Sometimes words are just brutal.

Well, that is about all right now. Norbert decided to wake me up about 1000 times last night. I was supposed to do housework today but ended up doing absolutely nothing. Maybe tomorrow will look brighter. Rigth now. Just sadness. I hope this post makes sense. I am too tired to proofread.

25 thoughts on “Apology 

  1. Why would anyone think that about you….
    Put it out of your mind Barbara…
    Anyone who is anyone knows that your concerns are heartfelt…
    Please….forget about it…💕
    Linda :o)

  2. Words are indeed brutal.
    Hateful? You? Not so but far otherwise.
    As always, heartfelt hugs and caring.
    No apology needed.
    I am really looking forward to seeing your purple ‘do’ too.

  3. Birdie, sometimes online communication can be so confusing and so misunderstood. How anyone could convey anything that you say or type as hateful is beyond me. I read the conversation you are referencing and there was nothing hateful about it except for the response you received! There are many Americans who don’t want to be here right now! I am trying to keep my focus on my little sphere of influence, my hula hoop, to continue to be true to myself, kind to all, and hope for the best….but there is that little whispering voice that says, “you’re stupid! Blissfully ignorant!” We will see. I know that there is a nation of Americans standing behind him. He is not the only decision maker. Give yourself a big hug from me!

  4. Please don’t let it get to you, Birdie…and believe me, I know that this is easier said than done and you know that I am a HSP. Sometimes people respond in certain ways because they are hurting themselves and may not even realize how they are hurting with their words. Sending you much love and warm hugs. 🙂

  5. That just breaks my heart. First, that you are feeling sad and stressed. And second, that anyone, anywhere could think that…that?!
    You are my golden girl, Birdie. You are the one that makes the world ok for me. You’re thoughtful, kind, sincere and oh so loving and there are obviously others who feel that way….KNOW that…. about you. You know that, too. :)) This other person? No, don’t let your mind go there, because she is completely wrong about you and only revealing something about herself. That’s — what is sad. I’m sure she’s actually a good person, but she got this one wrong.

    I don’t want to be here right now. Most people I know (well, I don’t know very many people….) but really, just about no one wants to be here, and won’t want to for quite a while. It is a scary place and we have a lot of work to do to fix this terrible thing. But the American people have come a long way in the last 200 years and just because a bunch of us made a big, big blooper of a decision, the rest of us are still intact and pushing forward with the same compassion and acceptance and fighting spirit for this nation that will continue to guide her on the path to adulthood…..no matter what. That Statue of Liberty ain’t there for nothin’ !!!

    Should you ever decide to come here for whatever reason, I live in Portland (I’m pretty sure you knew that already) and I will keep you safe and we will just have love and laughs, because that’s the kind of people we are.

    Purple curls!! Your hair is already so gorgeous, I would kill for it, but yes, do a picture!! xoxoxoxo

  6. Hugs, Birdie! From what she said, the commenter may be in distress herself, as so many have been recently and a lot of us are afraid that things will only worsen which heightens anxiety and puts people on edge. I’m sorry this happened.

  7. I didn’t see yesterday’s post. I think the written word can be easily misunderstood, you can’t see facial expressions or hear the tone of someones voice, so don’t worry. I’ve never thought of you as hateful at all. 🙂

  8. I went and read the comments and posted a reply.

    Hate? You? Nah. Ms. Violet is mistaken. Perhaps fear or a temporary feeling of disgust in what Trump seems to represent … But hate isn’t the emotional flavor of the Birdie.

    Now we know Trump is our new POTUS … Let’s see and hear more wonderful stuff like that purple hair of yours and that persistent cat! I haven’t seen a pic of your cat in a while — I think one is overdue!

    We’ll just have to support each other these next four years even if you are a Canuck! 😉

  9. My dear Birdie, I feel your pain. Over here in the UK we didn’t vote in a Trump, but a lot of people did believe a heap of lies and voted to leave the EU. I accept everyone has a vote, but the hatred towards “foreigners” after the vote was awful.

  10. Birdie, my friend, don’t worry about V. I’m sure you remember her blog posts before she deleted the entire thing right? She had very strong beliefs and after losing her own sense of stability she did a full about face and vehemently argued anyone who disagreed with her new perspective, including her loved ones. She struggled to understand how people dared judge her while she judged them just as harshly.

    I liked her candour at times but she took your words out of context and turned them on you. There is NOTHING about you that comes across at hateful. She’s entirely misjudged your message and your character. Xx.

    And….yay for purple hair!!!!! Would love to see! 🙂 (hugs you!)

  11. Honestly I don’t see the need for an apology. These blogs of ours help us process what we see and experience in the world we live in. Followers of our blogs need to respect our individual opinions, thoughts and feelings that we are posting on our own blogs! She was wrong in her assessment of you too Birdie. There isn’t a hateful bone in your entire body. And also…I stinking love that you put purple in your hair! Much love to you friend!

  12. You are not hateful, friend. If anything you have an overabundance of love and caring in you. We love you and appreciate having you in our blogosphere, proofread or otherwise! Hope you feel better and hope we get to see your risque new ‘do ;o) Love, hugs, and gratitude ❤

  13. Having some technical difficulties and I’m not sure if I will be posting two comments some how or just this one, but I shall comment “again” anyways!

    I agree with so much of what has already been said. You are not hateful, friend. If anything you have an overabundance of love and caring. We love and appreciate you for exactly who you are and I’m so glad you’re part of my blogosphere :o)

    I hope you feel better and I hope we get to see pics of your risque new ‘do!

  14. I came back here to apologize myself, and now after reading the comments, I’m absolutely stunned and dumbfounded. Grainne and I were good online friends…or so I thought. We shared countless stories about our autistic sons, and my struggle with my fundamentalist catholic family after I lost my faith. I am so shocked by the things said about me here I don’t know what to say. I think it’s best I not address your commenters.

    But Birdie, I will address you. I have been reading your blog for over 10 years and you and I have gotten each other through some very tough shit over the years….very tough shit. While I’ve been out of touch lately due to my disease (my lack of hand mobility makes typing difficult) I have continued to read your blog and wish you well though everything.

    It is fair to say I have been severely upset by this election. The anti american hate has been really intense for me lately, as many of my international friends have suddenly decided I’m a “despicable american.” Even though I did not vote for trump myself I am apparently guilty of being a racist, a woman-hater, and a homophobe just because I live here. This has made me really, really oversensitive to criticism about my country and the people in it, and your post was the last tiny straw that broke my back. After sleeping on it of course I better understood what you meant about staging a protest by not coming here. That is sensible and I understand.

    So Birdie, I sincerely apologize to you, and I accept your apologize as well. I hold no hard feelings toward you and hope you will forgive me for causing you such distress.


    • Oh, Violet. You have made me cry with happiness.

      I can’t imagine your pain and fear with this election. Please know though, I don’t hate Americans. Truly, I do not.

      Fear and anger make us do things that we would normally not do. Our adrenals kick in and we start doing things that make sense at the time but later surprise us. I have done it so many times in my life I have lost count. Even today, I got angry with my husband and said things out of anger. What you are dealing with is huge…HUGE! So your fear and anger is understood and the apology is appreciated but not really necessary because I figured you were just in an angry place. And that is okay. I know you to be a good and sensible person.
      I do love you, Violet. So much love to you for this brave and honest post.

  15. One more thing Birdie; I just realized the source of my over-reaction. The shunning I’ve recently received from my international friends reminded me of the shunning my family did to me when I became an atheist (which was not all that long ago, and they continue to shun me to this day). I say this not to make excuses for myself, but to help explain why you canceling a trip to america hit me so hard. My family said I “allowed” my faith to dissolve, same as my foreign friends said I “allowed” trump to be elected. The only thing I could do to prevent Trump from being elected was vote against him, which I did.

    So it seems it was the perfect storm for me…and one small comment from you triggered the tornado. I’m sorry, friend.

    • The faith thing. I still waver. I want to believe. Some days I don’t. Other days it is the only thing I cling to. It is so hard and confusing. Because I still sort of believe I wish people of faith, any faith, would just love on you and your broken heart. Not to restore your faith but to do what all people of faith are called to do. That is love you. There is a song by a Christian artist by the name of Chuck Gerard that used to be a favourite of mine. It’s called Don’t Shoot the Wounded. Loving you would show their faith is real and true. Shunning is not right in any faith. But I know. Since I stopped going to church and letting my disbelief known, I have been shunned too.

      Don’t shoot the wounded, they need us more than ever
      They need our love no matter what it is they’ve done
      Sometimes we just condemn them,
      And don’t take time to hear their story
      Don’t shoot the wounded, someday you might be one

      It’s easy to love the people who are standing hard and fast
      Pressing on to meet that higher calling
      But the ones who might be struggling, we tend to judge too harshly
      And we refuse to try and catch them when they’re falling
      We put people into boxes and we draw our hard conclusions
      And when they do the things we know they should not do
      We sometimes write them off as hopeless
      And we throw them to the dogs
      Our compassion and forgiveness sometimes seem in short supply
      So I say, don’t shoot the wounded.

      Love to you my Violet girl. xo

      • I remember you posting those song lyrics on my blog when I was in deep pain about losing god and my family…it gave me a lot of comfort. I also remember your story of struggling with faith, and the struggles you had with a disabled young child too (now a beautiful young woman!). Seriously Birdie, you were a major source of compassion for me for a long time…and I know you are not hateful. I was so upset last night at our painful exchange and misunderstanding…it is wonderful to clear the air. We both have enough on our plates and don’t need our friendship to be a casualty of the stresses we face. Much love to you Birdy, and many hugs.

      • My daughter turns 19 tomorrow and is doing amazing. She was on the Principal’s list before she graduated. She is working and still Highland dancing. I am so proud of her. She does still steal my socks though. How is your son. If you ever start a blog again please let me know. xo

      • My son is now five. He’s in kindergarten and managing to get by for the most part, but there are a few challenges. Certainly though he has made *many* improvements for which I am thankful for.

        As to blogging, I would love to do it again but I don’t think I can risk it. I don’t know if you remember, but the reason I pulled it down is because my family discovered it and it caused a lot of drama. As you can imagine a family being torn apart by faith issues does not need to see the crisis written down in black and white. At the time though I had no other way to cope than to write. Also, blogging gave me online friends who have lasted through the years…yourself being on of the precious ones. 🙂

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