Did She Say that Out Loud – Part 2

The fuck? Yesterday I was at work with a client that is young. Very young. She has some very severe physical disabilities. We have had conversations about how hard her childhood was because she was teased and bullied a lot.  I would expect people that have been made a target for being different would have a better understanding and learn about tolerance and coexisting. So I was floored when she said. “I hate indi@ns and g@y people.” Are you kidding me? The smile left my face instantly and I turned my back on her and did the dishes.

I still haven’t coloured my hair. I should. But there are a lot of things I should do like drink more water and lose 40 pounds.  And get up at a decent hour on my days off. And eat more vegetables.

Today I went to a client with bed bugs. I wear these booties that go up to my knees and an apron that wraps all the way around me, a hairnet and gloves. After I leave I feel crawly. But mostly I feel sad for the client who is already very isolated with literally not one friend or family member. Most of the other workers don’t want to go there because she doesn’t fit into societies brand of “normal”. She is about 4 1/2 feet tall and yells everything. Her clothes never match, and that is when she changes them. Never married. Some sort of mental illness and social anxiety going on. And just lonely as fuck. When I was raising my kids I tried to teach them just one verse from the bible. “Whatsoever you have done to the least of these, you’ve done it unto me.” Jesus was speaking.  It is so easy to love the loveable. But it is hard to love the crazy lady that yells and has a home infested with bedbugs. I hope I made her day a little better.

The days are getting shorter, yes?  I am looking forward to and dreading the fall. The days when I am up at 6:00ish and it is dark and rainy and my 1997 car never really heats up. I have such a hard time in the fall and winter. The Bastard Depression and His Bitch Anxiety show up and make me want to off myself. This year I am planning ahead. I am taking a new medication and taking supplements and I am going to drag out my SAD light. But honestly, I feel at Their mercy. They decide how good or bad my mood is going to be.  I keep reminding myself to be Mindful and to be in the moment. Because getting all worked up about what might happen doesn’t change things and just fucks up the moment I am currently in, which is not too bad right now.

Well, I should go make something to eat. Like every single night of my life I plan to go to bed early then 8:00 comes around and BING! wide awake. Why does that happen? How can I crawl through my day and be so tired that I could fall asleep the second I get home from work then be wide awake at bedtime. It messes a girl up, it does.



18 thoughts on “Did She Say that Out Loud – Part 2

  1. What you do is so important. Not everyone could do your job, you know. Funny, I just posted about colouring my hair. I can’t remember if I already told you, but my husband is affected by SAD and the light didn’t work all that well (mostly because he didn’t really use is often enough or early enough), but this past year he went to a tanning salon and it made a huge difference (I told him he would have to stop when he got to the George Hamilton stage). Hang in there, girl. -Jenn

  2. Oh Birdie, I just love you! I have a client, a youngish (younger than me) who is from “the south.” He’s paralyzed from the neck down, and he covers your bedbug lady and the one who doesn’t like g@ys or indi@ns. When he gets going I tell him I’ve heard enough. He can talk about a million other topics, but he can’t talk about “f@ggots” and “n!ggers” with me. Like you, I have to remind myself that he is Gods child too. That house is quite the event each time I go….but I always leave thinking “who better than me” can come and handle their yuk with kindness and dignity. We are vessels of Gods love Birdie, to people who might not find it anywhere else. Jesus loved the unlovely.

  3. I’ll say it again- you are doing all of the right things. You were not put here on earth to make everything all right for every body. You do the best you can for those in your care and you make a difference. I truly believe things are going to be better for you soon, dear Birdie. I have faith.

  4. Birdie, as far as the disabled girl goes, as you said, she is very young. She hasn’t learned the art of compassion and tolerance yet. The bed bugs…yuck!

  5. Your young client probably hasn’t met many people in the groups she claims to hate. Her age and lack of experience are part of the problem and it is okay for you to tell her that you don’t want to hear those things at work if they bother you. You are wonderful with people. Perhaps she will eventually learn from having you around and I think your life is getting better bit by bit.

  6. I have a 1997 dodge caravan. It’s one of those huge blue space ships that you see everywhere. Well, down here you do. And I do that same thing at night…I swear, I yawn all day long and then at about 9:00 I am ready to go. It’s 11:00 and I’m going to watch a movie. Our life’s are so similar in lots of ways. Makes me feel like shadow sisters, whatever that is, I just made it up.
    Look at you! Helping bedbug people, putting up with that crazy thinking about “other” people, teaching your kids the most important lesson in life, trying a new med and making a stab at mindfulness and even thinking about dragging that old SAD light out! You are a warrior woman! The only other thing you could do would be to actually eat a vegetable. xoxo

  7. I am very ashamed because there is no amount of money or cause for kindness that woudl allow me ot work in a home infested with bed bugs. You are truly one of a kind. God Bless.

  8. Birdie, I am humbled by you. You are love in action. Your heart is wide open. The qualities of your soul that make you so loving even to those who are not easy to love also leave you at the mercy of emotional storms. So yes, plan ahead. Take care of yourself. We need you. Our world desperately needs you. Hugs, my friend.

  9. Bed bugs! I hate creepy crawlers. Katie had lice one time and it freaked me out.

    As for you, you will survive. Depression is a pain in the ass. Anxiety too. I think you named them right. Sending hugs woman. This too shall pass.

  10. Ack! Bed bugs! I totally feel ya on the creepy crawly feelings… Eesh. Mad props to you.

    The days are getting shorter, yes. I still have to adjust to the darkness, it’s been creeping me out! I will adjust, I know, but for now I feel my old fear of the dark popping up!

    I’m glad you are planning ahead and I’m right there with ya working on staying mindful. Sending you hope and strength ❤

  11. I don’t know how things work but how come no one tries to get her bedbugs killed? Or did they try that already? There is a big case of them going around down town now. Ack.

    • They are in the process of getting rid of them but because she doesn’t have family or friends it is really hard to find her a place to stay when they are doing the extermination. She can’t afford a hotel so funding has to be in place. It’s a long process and she isn’t exactly compliant.

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