Panic Be Gone

This morning, like every morning of my fucking life,  I woke up with panic and anxiety. I wish I could explain it to someone who has never experienced it but there really are no words. How about this?  Imagine the scariest  moment you can remember. Like that one minute when your child went missing and the instant of terror and thinking the worst thing in the world is about to happen. That is how it feels for me. Like I am going to die. And I am going to hell. Even though I know it in my head to all be just feelings it is so very real. Getting out of bed each day is so hard. Because when I am in bed I feel safe. Getting out of bed is terrifying. But I do get out of bed and go to the bathroom and then get ready for my day. The dread stays for about an hour then lifts. It is a real mindfuck. Because I know when I am laying there that it will lift but it doesn’t make it any easier. Like if someone tells you they are going to smash your hand with a hammer but the pain will stop in about an hour. It doesn’t make the smashing and the time of pain easing any easier. Anyway… what I meant to say is I woke up with a message on Facebook from Mary Moon who also deals with the bitch Anxiety and I only spoke to her for less than 2 minutes and the panic left me just like that.  So there ya go. Explain that one.

I just got home from work and I had a nice day. I made a difference today and damn, that feels so good. I made some people laugh and listened to a story about being in the hospital for over a month and another about getting ready to go to the hospital for surgery. I made a scrambled egg for a client who hasn’t been eating. (I make great scrambled eggs. Butter, my dears. And a sprinkle of salt.) I gave out medications and talked to my team lead about bed bugs. Because bed bugs are becoming very common now. We gown up and wear these high booties so we won’t be taking them home. And I ran into my best friend from childhood. When we were little we always said we were going to work together when we grew up. We went our separate ways for many years and now we both work with the same company. We rarely see each other but when we down we are like two old hens. Cluck, cluck, cluck.

For lunch I had salmon with green onion, a lot of green onion and Dijon mustard. Norbert ate the last lickings. I didn’t know until today that he likes Dijon. Weird cat. He has gone into his condo to sleep now. His condo is an assortment of boxes from Costco.

One of you asked for me to share specifics from my last post. You came up as anonymous so I am not sure what you mean. Did you mean the apps I am using? If so, the budgeting one I am using is EveryDollar. I use it on my laptop and iPod so I can use it anywhere. Same as the one I am using for weight loss. It is MyFitnessPal. I am not tracking calories but teaspoons of sugar. You have to set it up to do that but that was easy enough.

greenToday I pulled out the old sheepskin. I bought it years ago. It is a dyed dark green and so warm! Our couch is leather and I find it chilly in the fall and winter. I used to work for a home medical supply company and they sold them so I got it for cost. I remember once telling a customer that the green was a special breed of sheep.


Well, that is all for now. I probably should go colour my hair but I can’t lift my right arm long enough to do it. I have no less than 3 inches of silver showing. I am wondering what age most women are when they no longer give a shit about grey hair.




23 thoughts on “Panic Be Gone

  1. Dear Birdie, your description about wanting to stay in bed resonates with me, because although I don’t struggle with anxiety, I certainly want to stay in bed when I am depressed, and depression I fully understand, because I have struggled with it for decades. Now, I said that I don’t struggle with anxiety, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t have anxious moments from time to time, because I do! I have just never been diagnosed with it and it isn’t something that I have to deal with on an almost daily basis like with depression. I think your description will help those such as myself to understand what it is like, so it is great that you explained it. Your lunch sounds great, Birdie. I am glad that the panic left you quickly this time, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Norbert is a sweetie, I am sure he is a comfort. 🙂

    • He is! I love that tabby beastie.

      I know I have your e mail but can you send me an email tonight? I have some information on the HSP and a book that is being written. The writer is looking for HS women to do her research. I am asking you to email me because I know I will totally forget if you don’t I have already had a couple conversations with the writer and she sounds awesome.

  2. Gray is very very stylish these days lady! Maybe you can give it a go and be done with color forever!

    Glad you found some relief….so glad.

    • The thing that is holding me back is a woman I met a few years ago. She was my age and totally grey. I thought she was in her 60’s! She was 45. I know if I let it grow out it won’t be just streaks. All grey. And sticky uppy.

  3. I firmly believe that you make a positive difference MUCH more often than you realise.
    And am so very glad that anxiety lifted this morning much quicker than usual. Yay Mary Moon. And you.

    • Do you read May’s blog? If not she is a favourite of mine. But I am like my mom that way. Anyone I love (ie – you) is my favourite. It was one of my mom’s most amazing qualities. If you were her friend you were her favourite. So hard to explain!

  4. roots unite! I have to colour my hair this weekend, too. (well, the roots, anyway) I am glad talking to Mary made a difference for you. I have a feeling that I would like Norbert very much. -Jenn

    • Norbert is such a great cat. He truly doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself but every so often he curls up in my lap and purrs. Then I feel all special and beholden. He actually sat on my lap today after the salmon and Dijon mustard episode and he was making me sore. I eventually did move him. Of course he got offended.

  5. I had that same exact feeling for more than 20 years. It has recently gone away for me, about the last 9/12 months because I finally got EVERY single toxic person that was in my life…OUT !!!!!!! That’s what it took for me. I pray for a solution for you too, Birdie.

    I’m 66 (really only 24 in my head) and I still cover the grey, if I don’t, people ask me , are you feeling OK? are you tired? is everything all right? you look so sad…hahahaha….so yeah, I still cover the grey.

    So glad you are feeling better!!!

    • Some people in my life cause me anxiety. Mostly it is just living. If I could get up on my own each day without an alarm I would be so much better. It is the transition between sleep and the hour long process of waking up that beats me down.
      Oh!!!! Did you know there is going to be a FULL solar eclipse near you in 2017? It is on my “Before I Am Deaded (Bucket) List “!

  6. I’m so glad Ms. Moon was there for you and you had a great lunch and a good day. You make a difference all the time…

    • At the end of my life all I want is to have made a difference that ripples on long after I am gone. It’s such a simple idea but so often I get caught up in the not important. Well, every day. But I do love to love.

  7. I don’t give a shit about grey hair and haven’t for about 7 years. I’m almost 53. I think it depends on how much grey you have. I have steaks of it down the sides of my face that are solid grey and a bit of grey peppered through my dark brown hair. It’s impossible to color those grey stripes and make them look normal so I just leave them and the rest too. People actually think I color those stupid grey stripes! Nope that’s mother nature’s doing not mine.
    I’m glad your anxiety went away quickly today. I have anxiety attacks sometimes, not too often, but enough to dread them. I can usually talk myself down from them now, thank goodness, but they are horrible and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

    • I want your streaks! People pay hundreds of dollars every few months to get this. I personally just buy whatever’s on sale. Promise me you won’t ever colour. One time and your hair is fucked forever. You either have to grow it out or shave it.

  8. I suffer with anxiety all the time. It normally only strikes when I’m in bed and for me the best thing I can do is get up and calm down, and do some jigsaw or look at blogs and then I get things back in perspective. In fact bed time for me is the worst, and probably why I’m a dj as I tend to work when everyone else is going to bed.

  9. Wow Birdie. I haven’t been around on the internets as much lately. It’s great to read your blog again. I can relate to this too. Although I can’t claim any clinical depression. When I was drinking though, I would spend all weekend under the covers. Afraid to take a step out of my door.
    Keep writing Birdie! Keep finding ways to ditch that dog.

  10. I stopped coloring my hair when I turned 60. I don’t mind looking like I’m in my 60’s. I guess that’s the gauge of when it is OK to stop coloring, when you don’t mind looking your age. Really powerful post, by the way.

  11. I find the gray depends on the lady. Back when I worked retail, I saw all kinds of ages going and staying gray. One lady had shoulder-length and the gray was just so pretty on her. Not sure how old she was, maybe between 40-50.

    Anyway, I hope things get better for you soon.

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