This morning, like every morning of my fucking life, I woke up with panic and anxiety. I wish I could explain it to someone who has never experienced it but there really are no words. How about this? Imagine the scariest moment you can remember. Like that one minute when your child went missing and the instant of terror and thinking the worst thing in the world is about to happen. That is how it feels for me. Like I am going to die. And I am going to hell. Even though I know it in my head to all be just feelings it is so very real. Getting out of bed each day is so hard. Because when I am in bed I feel safe. Getting out of bed is terrifying. But I do get out of bed and go to the bathroom and then get ready for my day. The dread stays for about an hour then lifts. It is a real mindfuck. Because I know when I am laying there that it will lift but it doesn’t make it any easier. Like if someone tells you they are going to smash your hand with a hammer but the pain will stop in about an hour. It doesn’t make the smashing and the time of pain easing any easier. Anyway… what I meant to say is I woke up with a message on Facebook from Mary Moon who also deals with the bitch Anxiety and I only spoke to her for less than 2 minutes and the panic left me just like that. So there ya go. Explain that one.
I just got home from work and I had a nice day. I made a difference today and damn, that feels so good. I made some people laugh and listened to a story about being in the hospital for over a month and another about getting ready to go to the hospital for surgery. I made a scrambled egg for a client who hasn’t been eating. (I make great scrambled eggs. Butter, my dears. And a sprinkle of salt.) I gave out medications and talked to my team lead about bed bugs. Because bed bugs are becoming very common now. We gown up and wear these high booties so we won’t be taking them home. And I ran into my best friend from childhood. When we were little we always said we were going to work together when we grew up. We went our separate ways for many years and now we both work with the same company. We rarely see each other but when we down we are like two old hens. Cluck, cluck, cluck.
For lunch I had salmon with green onion, a lot of green onion and Dijon mustard. Norbert ate the last lickings. I didn’t know until today that he likes Dijon. Weird cat. He has gone into his condo to sleep now. His condo is an assortment of boxes from Costco.
One of you asked for me to share specifics from my last post. You came up as anonymous so I am not sure what you mean. Did you mean the apps I am using? If so, the budgeting one I am using is EveryDollar. I use it on my laptop and iPod so I can use it anywhere. Same as the one I am using for weight loss. It is MyFitnessPal. I am not tracking calories but teaspoons of sugar. You have to set it up to do that but that was easy enough.
Today I pulled out the old sheepskin. I bought it years ago. It is a dyed dark green and so warm! Our couch is leather and I find it chilly in the fall and winter. I used to work for a home medical supply company and they sold them so I got it for cost. I remember once telling a customer that the green was a special breed of sheep.
Well, that is all for now. I probably should go colour my hair but I can’t lift my right arm long enough to do it. I have no less than 3 inches of silver showing. I am wondering what age most women are when they no longer give a shit about grey hair.