It’s been a very dark 24 hours for me. Things got so much worse and now I am just wrung out; exhausted. No fight in me when the  thought of not living looks so beautiful. But as I always say, I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Suffering is just a part of living. Stuck in a marriage where I am not loved. Not enough self-esteem, or money to leave. So many nights l cry myself to sleep. It is a hard thing to not feel loved. But oh well.

I spent the day in bed today and got up around 4:00 and I am still so tired. On Friday I have an appointment with the insurance company that is supposed to be covering my rotator cuff injury. Their job is not to pay or help. You know how you see those commercials on TV about how much they will care about you in a time of need or crisis. It is all lies. They don’t care and all they want to do is prove that this injury didn’t happen at work. It is so stressful and I am at the point where I just want to throw in the towel and let them win.  I know 100% that everything I have told them has been true down to the letter but they have big and expensive lawyers and I don’t. What can I do?

Well, this is a blog about depression but I think  I will leave you so you won’t have to read anything else.


Addendum – Are you all seeing that I am trying to reply to comments? Look back at my last few posts if you haven’t noticed. xo



37 thoughts on “

  1. Oh rotator cuff injury. Owwww! Shoulder pain is hands down some of the worst pain out there! Yeah, insurance companies … we could have a blog simply dedicated to their disservice!

    Sorry you are feeling tired, exhausted and sore. ❤

  2. Oh, darling Birdie.What a terrible time for you. I know those kind of thoughts, I could describe them with all kinds of adjectives – but what’s the use, they fucking suck.
    When life is shitty, it’s just shitty. I really, truly hope you get a bit of comfort when you see your friends here, because you are so cared for. You are very special in my life, the most comfortable I’ve ever felt with a fellow blogger. Cry it out, let it go and know that we will still be here tomorrow, watching out for you.
    Fucking, fucking insurance companies! Is it appropriate to get a lawyer here? There are free ones at Legal Aid (but I know that’s a pain in the ass too) I hope you can hold on, but you know your limits – strong woman. Like I’ve said before, screaming sometimes does get things done – what have you got to loose?

    And please, don’t say that, if you can. (so you won’t have to read anything else) I come here to read about Birdie. About everything that you want to tell. And I have noticed and am very grateful to you for making the effort to reply. It’s very sweet of you. And you know I will worry if you don’t say a word – so one word is all that’s necessary.

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, and that’s not just lip service, you can take that one to the bank. Hang in there, friend.xx

    I’m sorry to be so long winded, but unfortunately brief messages of uplifting sayings are not my strong suit….although they are wonderful and they certainly do help, again xx.

    • Oh, Liv. I love your long comments and I love you. We are still just getting to know each other and you are one of my favourite souls.

  3. Oh, Birdie. I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling. I am sending you love and support, a hand and a heart. Go gentle on yourself.

    • I know you have had your own relationship struggles and know how they can bring you to your knees. I hope you are having lighter days.

  4. It wears a person down terribly to be in pain and feeling unsupported, but about the insurance company, yeah, they have the big guns but they can’t prove your injury ISN’T work-related. Remember that. Be the squeaky wheel, fight for what you deserve, and may The Force be with you!!

    • I was so worn down this morning I woke up 25 minutes after my workday started. I have never been dishonest so I hope that serves me well.

  5. Insurance companies – stressful stuff. I’m sorry you’re in such a rough spot. It would be very hard not to have a supportive husband. Feel better soon.

  6. It’s a horrible feeling to not be loved by your spouse, to be a disappointment. I know this. I had a good friend die six years ago, she was only 55 at the time and I realized that it could be me and did I want to spend the remaining years that I had left living with someone who didn’t even like me. So I left and things worked out. It wasn’t easy but I’m so glad I did.

    You will have to fight with the insurance company to get what you need. I had to fight for years to get help with Katie and still do. You can do this. Sending hugs.

  7. Being in a bit of a dip myself I don’t have much to say except that things do generally work out, Birdie. We have been through so much the last few years- we can do this.
    But I know. I know.
    I’m so sorry.

  8. Oh sweetie…..I’ve got no answers and no real advice. Only love and a desire for you to have healing from somewhere in your life. I have only been sad but never depressed and NOBODY should minimize the profound difference. Please try to do something today that shows a tiny bit of self love. Warm heartfelt hugs♥

  9. Depression is so nasty. Many people tell us to “just snap out of it, get a grip.” It’s not that easy. Wanting to stay in bed all day is part of the deal. I would fake being sick just to sleep all day because I was disgusted with life in general. Sleeping was THE great escape. But I got out of bed and I try to stay out as much as possible. Sometimes I’ll go to the library and spend the day perusing the whole place and looking at books. It makes the Librarian a bit unnerved, but hey, I don’t feel like driving all day around town. The Black Dog is always with me too. I just try to run away from it occasionally, sometimes I succeed.

    That deal with the rotator cuff, don’t sweat it. If you tell them the truth they can’t disprove it. I’ve been through insurance boards before too. They want to hear the facts, nothing else. They will have a doctor look at you too. Their doctor. Be yourself, don’t fake anything. If it hurts, let them know how bad. This is the way it is in the US too. we have to go before people like them too. It’s like they don’t believe you and they are hoping to trip you up because so many people fake their injuries just so they can sit on their butt and collect a check every week. Those are the ones I wish would get caught because they make the ones sick or badly hurt like us look bad. I hope you get what you need sweetie. I’m praying for you.

  10. I know how you feel with the husband stuff. I’ve come to conclusion that what I need to feel loved is not how my husband shows his love. I have to look at different things to see that he does love me and when I look at those things and understand he his showing his love in his own way then I feel so much better. Maybe this is the same for your husband?

    I am so sorry to hear the insurance company is giving you such a hard time. It would be so much cheaper and faster for them to just pay you for what you need to heal and get on with it than to drag things through lawyers and all that paper work crap that some high paid employee has to do. By the time that is all done it would be less expensive for them to pay for your therapy and work off.

    Now give that black dog a kick to the curb cause you only have one life to live and you don’t want to live it feeling crappy (I know you aren’t choosing to feel this way, cause depression but I’m trying to say something uplifting and failing but the thought is still valid) You are important, loved and make the world a better place and I don’t even really know you but I like you so you must be really fantastic for that to come across in a blog.

    I don’t know why but knowing other people are struggling with some of the same things I am struggling with makes me feel a bit better. I don’t feel so useless and stupid if other people have similar problems.

  11. I’ve had those rough days too. You’re never alone even though it sure can feel like it.
    So far with me, there’s been a bunch of good to balance the rough stuff so I certainly look forward to those times. Today, got to see the grands!
    So just know you are loved by many here. Blogging it out sometimes takes the edge off, maybe, hopefully. Whatever you need. Just do it and honor yourself in whatever ways you can.
    My husband fell at work a couple years ago, tore his rotator and needed surgery pretty quickly since he couldn’t lift his arm. Even though it was a clear case of being work related, reported right away and sent to the ER… he still had to hire an attorney at some point to get the right disability money. It was a major tear and difficult surgery, but he recovered enough to go back to work. 🙂
    Are you able to get any legal aid with the matter? Ron didn’t have to pay anything up front, their fees were taken from money they recovered for him.

  12. Hugs to you, Birdie. I hope things are picking up for you. The world is a much better world with you in it. As for insurance companies, they are all asses. They care until they have to pay out. Then they don’t care at all.

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