It is so wonderfully hot outside. I have been sitting in the sun for the last week or so because 1. It has been raining and raining here and we are finally getting a summer and 2. I am so pale and I need a tan. So I have been sitting on the back deck in my bra and shorts being grateful that I have total privacy back there. When I was a teenager I used to tan all the time and got so dark that I was darker than my indigenous (step) dad. He also spent a lot of time in the sun but I was still darker. These days I am liken to bleached flour.  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We shouldn’t sit in the sun but what are we allowed to do these days that isn’t going to move us closer to being tits up?

File 2016-07-26, 5 22 37 PMRight before I started posting I was eating 1/4 of a watermelon. My husband is away at a Tragically Hip concert so I was eating it like it was a bowl and just chowing down. To hell with manners when nobody is at home but me and Norbert. He drinks out of the toilet and I have no problem reminding him of that when he looks at me all self-righteously and calls me a barbarian. At least I don’t go outside and get a twig stuck on my eyelashes without enough sense to take it off. Really. He has no life skills and I have no idea how me manages when he escapes and gets outside.

 

Today I feel all accomplished because I got groceries. And hung clothes on the line. Mostly the last few weeks months I have been feeling just…sad. Actually, I am not a doctor (obviously) and I haven’t spoken to my own doctor about this  but I am fairly certain I have Dysthymic Disorder. It helps a little, very little,  to have a diagnosis attached to this general feeling of never-really-happy and it makes me feel more discouraged that this is likely going to be me for the rest of my life. I used to have the most amazing doctor but he retired and I can’t bring myself to go see his replacement who is always in a rush. (She spent just over 10 minutes with me during my last physical, an  appointment that is supposed to last 30.) Right now I can’t handle someone thinking me a number to get in and out of her office in record time. And there are no doctors taking new patients, thank you very much and Welcome to Canada. I know I shouldn’t complain and should feel grateful. But fuck it. I don’t. I just feel sad.

Well, I have more clothes to hang on the line. And I think I will go clean the bathroom. Or not. I will probably go watch something on Netflix.

16 thoughts on “

  1. Soak in that vitamin D Love! I do the same thing and I don’t tan. I get “ruddy.” Isn’t that lovely?

    • Hahahaha…..is that what you call it. I call it crispy then flaky…no in-between for me.

  2. Well. There you go. Another diagnosis which fits me to a T.
    And so now?
    It’s not just the Canadian health care system. Trust me. Even here where we pay the big bucks, it’s mighty hard to find someone who takes time to listen, who has a clue.
    Enjoy the good days, Birdie. Sit in the sun and soak it in.

  3. Norbert and Jazz are relatives. I am tired of cleaning Jazz’s footprints from the toilet bowl. He also licks the floor of the shower. Despite having clean water in at least three places put down specially for the furry fiends.
    Hugs.
    I am so sorry that your supersensitive self battles so hard. Not fair.

  4. I just love you, Birdie. I love the way you write. I love how real and human and sweet and funny you are, you are soooo funny!
    I wish this fucking depression thing would just go away. I have that too, but add mania to it and it’s called bipolar. I want you to get a proper diagnosis, so that you get the proper meds and give this thing a kick in the pants. So I think that you have to go back to see the shit dr. and scream at her, I mean it, scream. That gets their attention. There is no reason to respect someone who treats you like that and you have more power than you think you do, Birdie. We see it here every time you post.
    I came home from the beach in a little bit of pain and a little bit lonelier but with more Love in my heart – go figure.
    And I do, truly wish you had been there. x

  5. I cannot imagine living with a dark cloud like that but I love how you keep trying.

    I was laughing my butt off at your first two paragraphs!! Life skills indeed….You do know that Norbert is laughing at us silly humans to run around trying to be happy. Cats know how instinctively, albeit self absorbed, to be content. Maybe we should try a little toilet water.

    Have a wonderful, sun filled day Birdie.

  6. Come to Kingston, Birdie. We seem to have a good doctor to patient ratio and you’d have no trouble getting a family physician. And ours has the most amazing bedside manner! You never feel rushed and you can ask a shit load of questions. And get the answers to them, too 🙂

    Ah, to be free to chomp down on food like a barbarian and sit however I want in whatever clothing (or not) I want. But alas, I don’t have that type of privacy here!

  7. We lived in a totally secluded place in Kansas and that made it possible to go outside totally naked. I miss that. I guess we could have been caught on satellite now that I think about it. Yikes!

  8. I’m peeling off the sunburn I got the day of The Hip concert in Victoria. Today it’s storming and pouring. Sigh.
    Life is like that, some days you get shit DONE and other days, you sit in the sun with a bra and a watermelon and you wonder where did it all go wrong?
    Find another doctor. Make someone listen. Go back 20 times if that is what it takes. Take care of YOU.

  9. Birdie, I too like the sun, but it’s just too darn hot to be pleasant outdoors just now. As to your Doctor; speak up please. It will be better for you, for other patients and for your Doctor’s education. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, you can even spin it with a twist of humor. “Excuse me Doctor, although you might be finished, I’m not. I need your undivided attention and expertise for a few more minutes than last time.”
    Or a “listen to me!” T-shirt. Whatever works.

  10. When I was a kid, we used to eat watermelon like that. My mother would send us outside and we would spit seeds at each other. I’m so sorry that you have that feeling of never being quite happy. I can somewhat identify with that, but in the last few years, I find myself happier than I’ve ever been. I hope you fog lifts someday and you can feel the happiness. I really do.

  11. Soak up the sun! Eat the watermelon! To. Hell. With. It! Break the rules. I can relate to your feelings, and I know I deal with it by throwing myself at Mr. Vitamin D himself,the sun. I take the view that I have no desire to live forever, but I will live while I am here. And, hell, I am a few months shy of 50. We who grew up on Crisco and iceberg lettuce have a right to do what we damned well want. The cellulite ain’t going no place, so So What?

    Thanks. I feel better…..

    Love you blog. Lovin’ you!

  12. Sorry you feel sad. As for the watermelon, why not eat it the way you want allll the time. Who gives a flying fig what someone else thinks. It’s your watermelon. Enjoy it.

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