You all know it’s Mother’s Day. It started out OK. Yes, my mom is dead. I am getting used to it. But then the stress started at work. One of the people I care for is in the middle to late stages of dementia and wandered off. Nobody knew where she was. It was a bit of a panic there for a while with phone calls back and forth. And then, she turned up. She said she was cleaning houses. (?) The next person was having a lot of pain and an ambulance had to be called. He was in pain so I forgive the angry words telling me to get out of his house. I came home so tired from having a difficult day at work and not seeming to sleep all that well lately. I had a nap but our neighbor was outside and being very loud. So loud I thought she was in our house! Then my husband starts in on me. He had an sore stomach and I was questioning him on how was it sore. Achy? Upset? I was going to get him some Gaviscon. He actually got mad and said I was trying to force him to eat the meal that my daughter made me for Mother’s Day. He pulls this shit all the time. I do something kind and loving and he turns it around and makes it into something that I didn’t mean at all. He thinks I am a bitch. The more I protest the angrier and more shut down he becomes. In our years together we have had some very angry arguments and I have learned to not even try anymore. If I have a feeling, emotion, worry or a concern I don’t bring it up. That is so defeating. I feel completely powerless. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Mostly our marriage is good but when it isn’t good it so bad. Just really, really bad. And lonely.
It is days like this that I want to call my mom. Days like this when I miss her and I can’t breathe for the weight of it.