I Wasn’t Going to Cry

You all know it’s Mother’s Day. It started out OK. Yes, my mom is dead. I am getting used to it. But then the stress started at work. One of the people I care for is in the middle to late stages of dementia and wandered off. Nobody knew where she was. It was a bit of a panic there for a while with phone calls back and forth. And then, she turned up. She said she was cleaning houses. (?) The next person was having a lot of pain and an ambulance had to be called. He was in pain so I forgive the angry words telling me to get out of his house. I came home so tired from having a difficult day at work and not seeming to sleep all that well lately. I had a nap but our neighbor was outside and being very loud. So loud I thought she was in our house! Then my husband starts in on me. He had an sore stomach and I was questioning him on how was it sore. Achy? Upset? I was going to get him some Gaviscon. He actually got mad and said I was trying to force him to eat the meal that my daughter made me for Mother’s Day. He pulls this shit all the time. I do something kind and loving and he turns it around and makes it into something that I didn’t mean at all. He thinks I am a bitch. The more I protest the angrier and more shut down he becomes. In our years together we have had some very angry arguments and I have learned to not even try anymore. If I have a feeling, emotion, worry or a concern I don’t bring it up. That is so defeating. I feel completely powerless. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Mostly our marriage is good but when it isn’t good it so bad. Just really, really bad. And lonely.

It is days like this that I want to call my mom. Days like this when I miss her and I can’t breathe for the weight of it.

13 thoughts on “I Wasn’t Going to Cry

  1. Sorry your day sucked. Katie attacked me in the car this morning, always guaranteed to make me cry.

    Sending hugs.

  2. Oh Birdie, I’m sorry. Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, all of those “Hallmark holidays” are set ups! I swear! Set ups to feel shitty! You are amazing and wonderful and kind and patient….that comes across loud and clear in your writing and your work. Husbands can be blind sometimes. Mine too. And yes it hurts and leave us feeling lonely for a minute….or so. Lol I wish we were closer…we would have met for coffee and cried and talked about hurt feelings, then gone to a movie and eaten buttered popcorn together! My drug of choice. LOL

  3. Dearest Birdie, don’t let hubby (or anyone) twist things around! You were trying to be kind and caring, you were concerned…period. Love and hugs to you.

  4. Marriage has its cycles. I understand the loneliness, but this too will pass, and all will be well again. I also understand the breath caught in your throat from missing your mother. From wanting to talk to her. I know dear Birdie, I know.

  5. Mother’s Day for me was perfect. I got to spend time with my kids but there was no big deal about it. Just sweetness. And now that two of them are mothers, it’s even better. I pass the mother torch to them! And of course, my own mother being dead is not something that brings me grief. I am glad she’s at peace and she was never the sort of mother I could call for comfort anyway. This is one of the few blessings of having a mother like the one I had. But I understand your grief and you have every reason to experience it.
    I’m sorry your husband was being a butt. There’s no excuse for bad manners, even in a marriage. He wouldn’t treat anyone else that way, would he?
    Do you ever come home from work and think you’d be better off getting a job as a bartender? I’m sort of kidding.

  6. I’m so sorry you had a bad time of it. If David treated me the way your husband treated you, I would have said something really snarky like, “was I holding a gun to your head?” I tend to ignore David when he’s being difficult. I just leave him alone and he later comes around out of his stupidness.

  7. I’m sorry to read this but glad that you can post it here and know that we’re here to listen and offer our comfort to you. You are cared for and cherished and appreciated and I hope you never forget it. Cry those tears. Let the pain out. I would offer you a tissue if I could but I do give you a kind, close-lipped smile and little nod of understanding. Life isn’t easy, but people like you make it worthwhile. Thinking of you. Hugs.

  8. I’m sorry to hear you had a bad Mother’s Day also. Even though my mother is still alive I should remember to keep visits to her short or risk feeling even worse than I normally do. I’m glad to hear you daughter made you a wonderful supper. She sounds like a wonderful daughter.

  9. Oh Birdie I’m sorry I forgot to check in with you on Mother’s Day and everyday these days. I’m sorry your day was difficult and yes it just doesn’t get any easier on those days does it? Not being able to pick up the phone or just pop in. You are our shining light and we wish we could be there holding your hand and wiping your tears. Then having a cuppa and laughing long and hard into the night as we put the world to rights.

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