Well, I tried but this week I am admitting defeat. I have been weaning off my antidepressants and down to the lowest dose possible but The Black Dog is sneaking back and he brings with him the Bitch Anxiety. The last few weeks I have noticed a difference that I hoped would level out but it hasn’t. I am going through life and doing all that needs to be done. I go to work and do my job and do it well. Then I come home and do everything that needs doing. But inside I am dying and look at dying as a beautiful escape. I am way, way too sensitive for this world. The meanness of people, the greed, the anger, the bullying is too much for me. Life’s expectations are too much for me. I don’t think and live like other people. I have moments of joy but they are just moments. They are fleeting. It would be so nice to not care and to not give a shit about other people’s feelings but I am always hyper-aware of hurting others. I try very hard to make the lives of others beautiful and positive but I don’t have it in me to figure out how to do it for myself. A few days ago I was thinking about why I never stand up for myself and the answer came to me. It is because I always lose. Over the years I have taken all sorts of courses that teach empowerment and I know in my head all the ways to stand up for myself but I can never get the words past my throat. I am a weak woman. I am not strong. Not at all. I am quite pathetic actually. And I don’t say all this for you all to convince me that I am not and tell me differently. You only know my through blogging. You don’t have to live with me.
I hate depression.