This isn’t Working

Well, I tried but this week I am admitting defeat. I have been weaning off my antidepressants and down to the lowest dose possible but The Black Dog is sneaking back and he brings with him the Bitch Anxiety. The last few weeks I have noticed a difference that I hoped would level out but it hasn’t.  I am going through life and doing all that needs to be done. I go to work and do my job and do it well. Then I come home and do everything that needs doing.  But inside I am dying and look at dying as a beautiful escape. I am way, way too sensitive for this world. The meanness of people, the greed, the anger, the bullying is too much for me.  Life’s expectations are too much for me. I don’t think and live like other people. I have moments of joy but they are just moments. They are fleeting. It would be so nice to not care and to not give a shit about other people’s feelings but I am always hyper-aware of hurting others.  I try very hard to make the lives of others beautiful and positive but I don’t have it in me to figure out how to do it for myself. A few days ago I was thinking about why I never stand up for myself and the answer came to me. It is because I always lose. Over the years I have taken all sorts of courses that teach empowerment and I know in my head all the ways to stand up for myself but I can never get the words past my throat. I am a weak woman. I am not strong. Not at all. I am quite pathetic actually. And I don’t say all this for you all to convince me that I am not and tell me differently. You only know my through blogging. You don’t have to live with me.

I hate depression.

19 thoughts on “This isn’t Working

  1. Heartfelt hugs.
    And, as a part of you knows, depression is a very, very skilled liar.
    A liar who convinces you that you are pathetic and worthless. He is wrong. So very wrong. Your kindness enriches my world.

  2. Birdie, if the medication helps you live a happier and more fulfilled life, then why not take it? It’s no shame to take medication. Talk about an act of assertion? Taking medication is an act of assertion against depression and anxiety! Keeping you in my thoughts and I hope things improve.

  3. Birdie, I, too, hate depression. Being ultra sensitive is also a part of me, as you know, so I really know what you are talking about. I hope you are weaning off the meds with the help of a doctor, don’t do it on your own. I have tried that in the past and it has proven to be a huge mistake. Sending you much love and many hugs.

    • My doctor was aware and supportive but he recently retired and was replaced by a woman that seems to be in a huge hurry to get her patients in and out. My last doctor took 15 minutes (and would often take longer) for a visit and the new one, 10 minutes. (As an aside, I saw her last week for a physical that was supposed to take 20. She had me out in less than 10.) Suffice it to say I will be finding a new doctor. Unfortunately, finding a doctor in this city is next to impossible. I do have a few ideas about how I can see another doctor in the same office so I hope that works.

      Thank you for understanding. xo

  4. I’m struggling myself lately and sorry to hear that you are as well. I don’t like the idea of being on meds forever, and maybe I won’t be, but maybe I will. So will lots of other people with lots of other diseases and disorders. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me broken, it makes me human.

    Unfortunately, disorders like ours can make us believe that we’re worthless, weak, broken, pathetic, and hopeless. Maybe we are some days but that’s not all we are; I know that you are caring, giving, sweet, and dedicated among other wonderful things. We just happen to be wired a little different (read-terribly wrong) and need some repair work and extra help to get our status quo to a liveable place.

    I hope you find a better doctor soon. If you end up going back up on your meds (and if you felt better at higher doses I hope that you do) don’t feel bad, feel like you’re joining the party cuz I’m going up myself! ;o)

    Love and hugs. My thoughts are with you (and the hubster is wishing you well too!) and please know that you may be sensitive and the world/depression might make you feel pathetic and out of place, but you’re not alone. I feel the same way sometimes-and then sometimes I get a break from my disorder and realize that everyone is struggling with their own burdens, everyone is trying their best, and everyone deserves a chance to live their best life… you and me included.

    More love and more hugs.

    You make my life better and more bearable, I appreciate that so much, and that sure as hell ain’t pathetic… it’s awesome.

  5. I agree with everyone here- there is no reason to try and get off your meds if they make you feel better. None. As hard as some of us have to struggle, we need all of the tools in the toolbox. The world we live in is not the world we are biologically evolved to live in. That’s just the truth. Be well, sweet Birdie. There is nothing to gain in suffering. Trust me.

  6. Darlin, we are our own worst critic. I found that out the hard way. For years, I was beating my own self up and never knew why. I had to have a doctor tell me. The fact that we are overly sensitive doesn’t help either. Friends will scream at us to take charge and stand up for ourselves, but it’s much to difficult for us to do. It actually stems from our childhood. From being bullied by our parents, siblings or other kids. We were afraid of losing their love.
    My mother was the culprit behind my ongoing battle She mentally abused me by tearing me down in front of other people. Then she would physically abuse me with beatings because her life didn’t turn out the way she envisioned it would. (that’s a long story). It took me years to get it through my head that I was just as good as anyone else and that I had an important and proper place in this world.
    I have a feeling you will figure it out soon and when that day comes you will feel the earth-shattering freedom I felt. At least I really hope you do. It’s quite wonderful when you start thinking that no one has power over you and that you are in charge of your own happiness.
    Great big loving hugs for you my dear.

  7. Sigh. I was worried about this. The antidepressants were doing their job well enough to convince you that you didn’t need them. Thankfully, you know yourself well enough to know that you need them. Get back on them as soon as you can.
    I hope you feel better soon and I hope you know that none of us think you are a loser. We all love you and think you are great just the way you are, perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us. Xoxoxoxo

  8. I don’t like taking my antidepressants either but I know they do their job. Don’t believe your brain when you’re depressed. It lies.

    Sending hugs.

  9. In your darkness Birdie, you shine. You shine like a diamond. Shine on. Whether or not you can see it, others can and visit here to see you, beaming.

  10. I am confused about why you are coming off your anti-depressants? After my hysterectomy I felt better about a lot of things but still continued my anti-depressants and intend to take them for the rest of my life. I did come off pain pills after taking them for several years for several things and that was a big enough withdrawal for me.

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