Yesterday at work I had a very , very difficult client. It was a solid two hours of verbal abuse and snarky comments. Normally I would have left but there were circumstances that prevented me from leaving. So I stayed and by the end of the visit I was near tears and shaking. This is the part of my job I find difficult. I believe in treating everyone with kindness. I can and do deal with rudeness, anger and frustration on a daily basis but what should I do when someone is just plain mean? For the record, I was kind. I was patient. I tried to be understanding. But she got the best of me and when I left I felt completely defeated. And I still do. It was so bad that I took today off work because she got the ball rolling of my anxiety and now I am just feeling… anxious, depressed and hopeless. All I want to do is sleep. My chest aches and I can’t breathe without shaky breaths. About 30 minutes ago I broke down and took an Ativan. I haven’t taken one in months. (I used to take Ativan daily.)
I am angry with myself for caring so much. I am angry at my employer for allowing this horrible person to have services when she is so awful. There does not seem to be any protocol in place for this type of behavior. We don’t allow physical abuse but verbal abuse is tolerated.
Days like this make me hate my job. Days like this are the ones that drain me and leave me with nothing to give to anyone, let alone myself. Days like this leave me so beyond empty that I can’t function. I am tired of being weak and sensitive. I serves me no purpose but it benefits those around me. I am tired of following the advice of the great spiritual teachers that tell us to be kind because in the end I get taken advantage of.
Anyway, I can’t stop crying so I am going to go have a nap.