When Everything Caves In

Last night I had a terrible sleep. Dreams all night long that I am going blind. And even though I am really looking forward to no longer having a uterus I am very nervous about getting it done. And this fucking over-the-top holiday season.  Every year starts and ends in tears for me.  I wish I could have the time with family minus everything. Minus the tree and the decorations and the unending need for everything to be perfect. My mom always did such a good job of making Christmas beautiful and I can’t even manage to pull of 5% of what she did. The last week has been too much. Why do doctors these days give you a diagnosis, “Oh yeah. You are going blind. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out” and leave you to it. Google searches have taken over the time a doctor would sit with you and discuss your diagnosis.

This post is all over the place, isn’t it?

I don’t even know what I want. I have everything I need and then some but I just feel tired, empty, scared and overwhelmed.

I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

12 thoughts on “When Everything Caves In

  1. Your worries in anticipation of surgery are probably coloring every moment, not to mention your recent news about your eyes. Who is your advocate? Who is going to be there for you when you go to the hospital and when you come home again? Please don’t wait for anyone to spontaneously leap into action on your behalf. Have a family meeting and pre-state your needs and plan who will do what. Write it on a large white board and set it in plain view. They might not achieve all of it but won’t be able to call you crazy and say they had no idea:)

  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, Birdie. Though one thing stuck out to me and that’s the idea of Christmas, or anything really, being perfect. I don’t see that holidays need to be just so, or perfect or any of that. They can be, ANYTHING and ANY way that we want them to be.

    Rather than this ideal of perfection which I dunno, kinda kills the fun.

  3. Read what I wrote tonight. You do have much to be fearful of but I feel certain that all will be well. And Christmas will be over soon. Thinking of you, girl.

  4. I think the stress you are feeling about the surgery, even though you will be happy with the end result, may be contributing to your dreams. Sending you much love and many hugs, dear Birdie. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  5. Oh goodness I’ve missed something. Reading back shortly to figure out what’s happened. Xox

    Try to breathe deep and ignore the panic; push aside the desire to make everything perfect and try to enjoy your family through the stress. Love and spending time with your loved ones is what makes the holidays perfect. Hugs and love from
    Me. Xx

  6. SO not all over the place and SO reasonable. I’m sorry you didn’t have a caring doctor to handle your diagnosis better, I hope your treatment type doctor is much more helpful and understanding! Post on, dear Birdie, post on. Try to enjoy the wabi sabi of this holiday season, I sure am, and whatever happens, we’ll get through it and to spring somehow! Screw it all!

  7. It’s a hard time of year for lots of people. With expectations so high and gatherings of stressed people it’s bound to be difficult. That’s not even mentioning all the focus on family to make people miss their loved ones who have passed or don’t live close by.
    I’ll join you on that rive if you don’t mind someone skating a bit off to the left who doesn’t talk much.

  8. For some reason the top of my message didn’t post. Here is what I said at the beginning.

    Sorry to hear your Dr. doesn’t explain things better for you. I’m sure you have many questions so make sure to write them down and bring them in the next time you go. Any surgery is not fun and I’m sure you are worried about it. It’s normal to be worried and stressed about your health. I hope you can enjoy some of the Christmas season.

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