I have been trying so hard these last few months. Tying so hard not to fall into that dark space. But it is here. No doubt about it. The dreams I have, that have been happening for years now, of having unending gum in my mouth. I pull it out and more and more appears. It chokes me and I can’t talk.

And there it is. I can’t talk. I have no voice. I just keep doing what everyone else says. Do as I am told. Be a good and kind person. Make sure everyone else is happy. Smile. Be happy. Don’t complain. Ever. Just keep doing, doing, doing. Doing for everyone. Never have an opinion or dare to do things in the way that is different.

It is the root of all my depression. It took me years to figure it out but the last few months it is all I have been thinking about. It follows me everywhere in my mind and I can’t escape it. Not only can I not escape it I can’t do anything to change it.

The worst part is my marriage. The one place I should be able to say what I want is the most unsafe place to all. If I do things turn ugly. If I keep quiet, head down and keeping my opinions to myself things are fine.

Anyway, this post has exhausted me and nothing I can write here can even begin to express 1/100 of how hopeless I feel. All the words in the English language are at my fingertips and yet that gum that is always in my mouth also is in my brain. And it is killing me. Death looks so bright and beautiful.


19 thoughts on “Sinking

  1. Oh Birdie. I’m sorry you feel so stuck. No one should feel unsafe in their marriage. I’m sorry to hear that you do.

    If you could change, what would you change? Would you live on your own? Or is that out of the question?

  2. Oh dear, I’m so sorry you are in a dark place at the moment, and that things at home aren’t great either. I really hope you pull through soon. Sending you good wishes.

  3. Awww Birdie, I am sorry its back. Does it help to remind yourself that what you feel right now, is not always accurate. That you have to make decisions based on what you know…until you feel better. Its so much work when you feel so depleted, I know. I am so sorry. ❤

  4. It comes on like a shadow for me too, following me everywhere I go. I’m sorry you are in that place right now, my friend. It’s an impossible task, keeping everyone happy all of the time…mostly because it doesn’t include yourself.

    You are right. Home should be your safety. Xx

  5. I’m so sorry Birdie. But the thing is, you can change it. You can speak up. There are so many things we don’t have control over but our words, our actions, our thoughts, those we do have control over. Sending hugs woman.

  6. Hang on Birdie! These dark moments will pass! I was nearly mute for an entire year after my son was diagnosed with autism, and I have been able to fully recover my voice, opinions, and sass back. There were turbulent times when I began voicing myself again to my husband and family, but I’ve survived that too. I know you can do this….we get so tired, so emotionally worn out and exhausted, but to “keep doing” is the right thing until you can get some help for yourself. I don’t know where you’re at with med or counseling, but you can come back from this. Just hang on love!

  7. (I left you a comment this morning, my friend. I was worried it didn’t post – if you got it and kept it private, all is well, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you) xoxoxo

  8. Oh my dear- I dreamed of gum last night too and had forgotten that! Mostly mine kept growing in my hands. Huge wads of it that stuck to everything. How odd. I’ve never dreamed of gum before.
    I wish I had words for you but all I have is- hang in there. I mean, that’s all we can do sometimes. I had two days of contentment and peace and they were so wonderful and I no more know why I had those than why I’ve woken up this morning in anxiety. I will be thinking of you and hoping for better.

  9. You do have a voice, you have just been muzzled so long you’ve forgotten how to use it! I count myself lucky to have happened across this blog, your voice, and having the pleasure of getting to know you, hear you through your words. Your voice is lovely. You are funny and kind and sweet and clever and your voice matters.

    I have a similar struggle, finding my sass and standing up for myself, setting boundaries and valuing myself enough to state an opinion, to speak up and out (similar/same/different is no matter) and one thing that I know for sure is that when you have held your tongue most of your life, most of the people in your life aren’t too pleased when you shake up the status quo and pipe up. It’s only natural. Sometimes just human reaction to “different” sometimes they are threatened and sometimes things work out and other times they don’t, what matters is that your soul can breathe.

    You can find your voice. You can breathe in the loving life joy and exhale these dark painful burdens, but it will take a few days-at least. And in that time, know that you have many people thinking of and loving you, hoping for you and caring for you, looking forward to hearing your voice again.

    Much love and kindness for you, like lending spare change at the register when someone is short!

    Take care,

  10. So now that you know what the root of your depression is, what can you do to change things? I always say the difference between a rut and a grave is five and a half feet. Go talk to a counsellor or therapist, stat, because the way you are feeling is dangerous.

    I’m cut from a different cloth than you, so it’s hard for me to comprehend the whole being silent thing, but I DO understand the trapped feeling. You dream of gum, I dream of my teeth falling out. It’s amazing when our minds and bodies try to teach us our lessons.

    Be kind to yourself. And if you need inspiration, think to yourself “What would Heartinhand say?!” Then let the shit fly. Xoxoxoxo

  11. “If I keep my opinions to myself, things are fine” is a contradiction. That’s not fine. Your opinions have a right to be heard. What would you tel a daughter of yours were she in that same situation? Please love yourself and demand more of others.

  12. You know what? Discovering the root is the first step to breaking through and permanently ditching the brunt of the dog. It sucks, and it’s painful, but you will prevail. Email me anytime, I know how this goes:

    Hang in there, my friend!

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