I have been trying so hard these last few months. Tying so hard not to fall into that dark space. But it is here. No doubt about it. The dreams I have, that have been happening for years now, of having unending gum in my mouth. I pull it out and more and more appears. It chokes me and I can’t talk.
And there it is. I can’t talk. I have no voice. I just keep doing what everyone else says. Do as I am told. Be a good and kind person. Make sure everyone else is happy. Smile. Be happy. Don’t complain. Ever. Just keep doing, doing, doing. Doing for everyone. Never have an opinion or dare to do things in the way that is different.
It is the root of all my depression. It took me years to figure it out but the last few months it is all I have been thinking about. It follows me everywhere in my mind and I can’t escape it. Not only can I not escape it I can’t do anything to change it.
The worst part is my marriage. The one place I should be able to say what I want is the most unsafe place to all. If I do things turn ugly. If I keep quiet, head down and keeping my opinions to myself things are fine.
Anyway, this post has exhausted me and nothing I can write here can even begin to express 1/100 of how hopeless I feel. All the words in the English language are at my fingertips and yet that gum that is always in my mouth also is in my brain. And it is killing me. Death looks so bright and beautiful.