I am feeling sad and melancholy tonight. Not sure why. Maybe it is the changing of the weather and the season. It is supposed to rain buckets tonight and I am glad because it reflects my pensive mood. Ms. Moon says, and I agree, that our body remembers anniversaries and maybe it is that. It was this time 4 years ago that my mom started to actively die. It became all about pain medications and saying goodbye. It was a horrible and beautiful time. And I miss her every single day.
Or maybe it is the thought of having to return to work. I have not enjoyed my time off at all because of the level of pain I have been in but that is working its course. The physiotherapist is using a method of treatment called “dry needling”. It is similar to acupuncture. The needles themselves do not cause any pain at all but the reaction my muscles have does. It is enough pain to make me catch my breath and it also makes me very tired. But what is bothering me is the realization that I no longer love my job. It drains me. It drains me physically and emotionally. There is no way that I am going to be able to do this for another 25 years. I am tired now, I can’t imagine how tired I will be when I am 70 and only being a few years off of needing care myself. My thoughts of becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse are waning. The hours are worse than I am working now.
And my apologies for not being a good blogging friend. I am reading your blogs but not commenting on many of them. When I read my brain usually just feels empty.
That is all for tonight. It is time for a bath then bed. The rain is expected soon. I will add an extra blanket to my bed and sleep with the window wide open. Maybe the sound of the rain will cleanse my soul.