I am feeling sad and melancholy tonight. Not sure why. Maybe it is the changing of the weather and the season. It is supposed to rain buckets tonight and I am glad because it reflects my pensive mood. Ms. Moon says, and I agree, that our body remembers anniversaries and maybe it is that. It was this time 4 years ago that my mom started to actively die. It became all about pain medications and saying goodbye. It was a horrible and beautiful time. And I miss her every single day.

Or maybe it is the thought of having to return to work. I have not enjoyed my time off at all because of the level of pain I have been in but that is working its course. The physiotherapist is using a method of treatment called “dry needling”. It is similar to acupuncture. The needles themselves do not cause any pain at all but the reaction my muscles have does. It is enough pain to make me catch my breath and it also makes me very tired. But what is bothering me is the realization that I no longer love my job. It drains me. It drains me physically and emotionally. There is no way that I am going to be able to do this for another 25 years. I am tired now, I can’t imagine how tired I will be when I am 70 and only being a few years off of needing care myself. My thoughts of becoming a Licensed Practical Nurse are waning. The hours are worse than I am working now.

And my apologies for not being a good blogging friend. I am reading your blogs but not commenting on many of them. When I read my brain usually just feels empty.

That is all for tonight. It is time for a bath then bed. The rain is expected soon. I will add an extra blanket to my bed and sleep with the window wide open. Maybe the sound of the rain will cleanse my soul.

32 thoughts on “

  1. Dearest Birdie, I have also been feeling down…and it is interesting but I hadn’t thought about this until I read your post. My mother died on July 30, 1983, and my father on August 13, 1984. This could have been in my subconscious but I haven’t realized it until now. Yesterday and today the weather have been more bearable and less humid, thankfully, but Sunday the heat and humidity (in the 30’s) will be back, alas. I hope you enjoy your bath and that you feel better tomorrow. Sending you a warm hug and much love.

    • That is so much grief in a short amount of time. How do our souls contain it? The pain and loss of a parent may lighten but it never goes away.

  2. I am sorry that you are feeling blue and unsettled. What you say about not enjoying your job is resonant — I wonder if you have ever taken a course in mindfulness meditation for caregivers — I just read a description of one taught here in Los Angeles, and the description of who the class is for sounds exactly like you. Just a thought — disregard if you’re not interested! I was also thinking that it’s so good that you’re doing the dry needling — that perhaps some of your mood can be attributed to that — to your body adjusting and transitioning.

    • I am very interested in mindfulness meditation for caregivers. Is there a link you can send me, please? I never thought about my mood being attributed to the dry needling but it makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? A lot of toxins being released and all that chi doing whatever it does. It really does work for pain though. I was surprised that my extended medical pays for it so I just might keep it up.
      Any luck with the free air conditioner? πŸ˜‰

  3. Look after yourself. And please, be as kind to you, as you are to others.
    The idea that the dry needling impacts on your mood makes a heap of sense. Can you ask before they do the next treatment whether it is common? And what helps ease it?

    • I will ask. My physiotherapist is a nice young chap from the same town my grandpa was born in England. He is open to a lot of different types of healing. I was really lucky to get him. I do know I need to drink lots of water. πŸ’§

  4. I do believe our bodies remember anniversaries and I’m sorry you are feeling down, whether it is related to that anniversary or not. It’s okay let the blogging rest when you need to, I think everyone here understands! I hope you begin feeling better and more hopeful soon, don’t forget lots and lots of water to help flush those toxins! You are in my thoughts. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow, today is enough πŸ™‚

  5. Oh Birdie, I am so sorry you are down. You have been through a lot lately…I think both the treatments and the anniversaries are affecting you and I hope that you’ll begin to feel better both physically and emotionally.

    After five losses in two years, one of which was traumatic, I understand well that the body remembers things. I hope you will investigate the meditation suggestion and take care of yourself. I’m an HSP and think of you sometimes when I am reading or doing things around here. I love your flowers–they made me smile. Hugs.

    • just before my mom died I had an aunt die. From there it was my mom and then 1 more aunt, 2 uncles, a cousin and my step-grandma. It sounds so crass but I didn’t really grieve any of them. I think I would have if I wasn’t still reeling from the death of my mom. I felt sad but mostly pushed it aside. It is too much. Way too much.

  6. Dreading work can be so draining. We spend so much of our lives at work. Having hope there instead of dread is wonderful. I’ve had.that this past month for the first time in over 5 years. May you find hope where you are, or may you find a way to get to where there is hope.

    • Charles, I think you hit the nail on the head. I do not have hope right now. There is nothing I am looking forward to. Most days I wake up with dread weighing me down.

      • If you just wanted to be listened to instead of analyzed, ignore this comment…

        The challenge, for me, is to disentangle whether the dread is due to something that is someone else’s fault, or my fault, or just brain chemistry. If you can disentangle it, then it helps to clarify what your choices are. There is always a choice. If you can identify your choices, and the consequences, then you feel more empowered.
        For example, you could quit your job. But if the consequences of quitting are worse than the consequences of staying, then you can choose to stay. That feels empowering, because instead of feeling stuck in your job, you are choosing to be there.

        How long have you felt this way about work?
        Does it stem from some particular person? Situation? Task?

      • I worked doing mostly palliative care at night for people who wanted to die at home. It was very exhausting and I did grow weary at times. The position was dissolved management and so I started with my new position of working days doing just home support. When I did home support years ago it was mostly elderly women and men needing services such as dressing, med support, bathing etc. The dynamics have changed. A lot of our job now is dealing with mental health patients who stay up all night drinking and using then sleep all day and can’t get it together enough to make their own meals. It is really, really hard for me not to judge and be angry. Who wouldn’t want to live a life where you have someone comes in and serves you breakfast and make sure that your bed is changed and your laundry is done? And that is what mostly exhausts me. Maybe it is because I battle depression and it has been suggested more than once by my health care practitioners that I should not be working and should consider collecting disability. I know this is coming across as jealous but it is aggravating that I have trouble existing myself most days and struggle to prepare proper meals and get the laundry done etc and yet here I am doing it for other people who are capable if they put their mind to it, as I have had to do. This point was hammered home a month ago when I hurt myself at work. I fell in a client’s urine. She was 100% capable of cleaning it up, very least throwing a towel over it. She did neither so I am sitting here in pain. I guess to sum it up, I am enabling people who can do for themselves.
        That said, I do love the part of my job that is helping people stay in their own homes. It is very rewarding. A good portion of my clients are elderly or have a disability that would otherwise put them into a care home. I work with people with Cerebral Palsy, MS, cancer, diabetes, seizure disorders, developmental delays and the dying. I give my all to these people and there is nothing better than walking into a home and have someone say, “Oh, Birdie! I am so glad it is you!”
        I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I love with wild abandon. That is part of the problem. I give so much to the people I care for and I have yet to learn how to not. I am now at a point in my life where I just want to go to work and come home. (It doesn’t help that I start at 7:00 a.m. I am not a morning person and it is drudgery.) But the position I am in took years to get into. I have good pay, excellent benefits, a pension, and a great support team of nurses who are willing to help and tell me often that I am one of their best workers. That is saying a lot when we have a staff of over 250 workers. I guess it all comes down to feeling lost and caught up in the negatives. We as home support staff were never trained for working with mental health patients who are substance abusers. We have been put into a position that is not safe and not rewarding but we have no other choice. When I talk to my co-workers they are all feeling the same thing. We all want to quit. 80% of our workers take more than 2 “sick” days every month. It is stress.
        I just realized I was rambling. Maybe I should turn this into a post?

      • So the dread is coming from facing those particular clients. It feels unjust.
        Do you have any recourse? I mean regarding having your job description include serving those you don’t feel trained to work with.

        BTW… Ramble on. No worries.

  7. Have you thought about being a unit clerk? Or medical receptionist? It’s not as hard on your body. I know they make about the same as an LPN. Just a thought.

    Hope your body feels better soon. Sending hugs.

  8. Big, warm hugs from me. I feel the seasons shifting too and it makes me sad. I’m trying to think of the nice bits, the turning trees and cool nights, cuddling under blankets. Wish I could share a fireplace with you and hear stories about your mom when she was young and not in pain.

    Much love.

  9. Just checking in to see how you are feeling today…Charles has some good questions and insights…I am sorry for the way your job has changed…I have CP and except for a cleaner who comes every few weeks, I handle laundry, household chores, pets and bills on my own. I hope you can find a means to happiness and contentment. I’m cheering you on!

  10. Being in pain sucks the energy out of you. Being off work because of an injury is not a holiday. You are younger than I am and I still don’t know what I want to do for a living! Now when people ask me what I do instead of telling them I’m a stay-at-home-mom I just say I am retired early. That sounds much better than unemployed.
    Your job is a difficult one, my husband does a similar one and it is draining. I can imagine that working on your own is even more so. Is there any possibility that you could get hired at an extended/multi-care facility? At least you’d have co-workers and more support.
    Sorry to hear you aren’t feeling great. I’m just hanging in there myself so don’t have any great words of wisdom. Just sending my sympathies and support your way.

  11. Fall is a time of reflection, I think. I get blissfully melancholy in the fall. I hope work and life eases for you soon, dearest Birdie. Hugs to you.

  12. Certain times of year are harder than others – and it makes sense that you’d be sad and missing your mom.

    There are other jobs where you can be caring but not so drained. It never hurts to look.

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