Yesterday I woke up too early but the real reason I was tired is I went to bed too late. When will I ever learn? Not today evidently because I did the same thing last night.
This morning I got up because I had put a TV on Craigslist for free. Someone e mailed me back and said she would be here before 11:00. I had a feeling that she wouldn’t show up. What the hell is wrong with people? What has happened to integrity? If someone is giving you something for free, show up! Or at least e mail and say you changed your mind. I would like to call the woman and give her a piece of my mind but this person knows where I live now and I don’t know thing about them.
Today I had planed to go through some things and declutter. My injury from work is preventing me from doing any housework so I had planned to go through some drawers and baskets of crap. I started with one basket and took about 6 pieces of paper then that was the end of that. The basked it still beside me and weighs about 1 oz less than it did in the beginning of the day. Only 20 more pounds to go. Today wasn’t a total wash. I got my eyebrows waxed and replaced a headlight in my car. No. That is a lie. The car dealership replaced the light. I just sat there.
So now it is after 9:00 and I wonder if I will stay up too late again?
The last few days I have been starting posts and not finishing them. Maybe today I will actually hit “publish”.
A few of you have been saying that you are having trouble with commenting. I have removed all restrictions but enabled comment moderation to see if that helps. Spam doesn’t bother me as much as readers having trouble with commenting or not being able to comment at all.
I put a chicken in brine this morning with the intention of putting it in the rotisserie tonight but with my back pain I think I will try cooking it tomorrow night instead. It is too heavy to lift. My husband is going to put steaks on the BBQ instead.
OK. Speaking of my husband. Here is the thing with our relationship. He was raised in a home that was really abusive. Not just the sort of stuff many of us grew up with. It was really, really bad. It is not my story to tell but I can tell you that he was adopted and his biological parents had Child Protective Services called 6 times when he was less than 4 months old. The neighbour had called because she heard a baby screaming and crashing and yelling. CPS came to investigate but the investigator was a drinking buddy of his adoptive father. Nothing was ever done and the abuse continued. (We got this information through documents that were released to him this year.) Anyway, his father tried to kill the family twice. He killed someone once while drinking and driving. He is a horrible man. His mother was no better. She did leave with the children, literally in the dead of night, and left the province. She did things to my husband that are unspeakable. She is dead now. Anyway, my husband miraculously came through all of it. He raised his two daughters on his own. (Their mother lost custody and guardianship, something unheard of with women at the time.) My husband worked at the same job for over 35 years. He is kind and patient and a humanitarian. He cooks and cleans and gardens. We connect on so many levels. He knows me better than anyone. I joke that he is my “house husband” now that his is retired. He looks after me.
There is always a but. He has no skills at all when it comes to conflict. He turns into someone I do not even know. I look at him and it is not even him that I am looking at. His eyes change. I don’t think it is a split personality but I do not know how else to describe him when he gets angry. We have been together coming up 9 years and I *DO* see changes for the better in him. He doesn’t anger as quickly. When he is angry he can be so mean and cutting that I feel like my soul is being ripped out. It frightens me. (He has never laid a hand on me in anger.) When he does get angry he comes back to earth a lot sooner than he did when our relationship was younger. And he is also seems to be more aware of himself after he cools off and is willing to make amends. He rarely actually says that he is sorry but he shows it in different ways.
So therein lies the problem. The bad times are really, really bad but are slowly improving. In retrospect I should have seriously considered leaving a long time ago. We can’t go back in time so it brings me to now. At times our relationship is so bad. A lot of the time it is great. Some of the time it is just whatever. So do I stay? Do I leave? Leave when he does seem to be better better ever so slowly? Relationships take work. So much work. But abuse should never be tolerated. During this time I am also changing. When he is in a fighting mood I just keep repeating over and over that I will not be engaged with words and to leave me alone. I do get immature and say. “blah blah blah” to drown him out. Sometimes he goes over the edge and sometimes he just steps back but the mood continues so I just go to elsewhere in the house.
For now, I stay. I have never met someone who is so connected to my spiritually, mentally, politically etc. Do I leave for the 10% that is really bad or do I stay for the 90% that is good?