Crappy Days

I posted this a couple of days ago then took it down. Shame covers me when I fight with my husband.  It seems most of you have such happy marriages. Mine is OK but other times it is horrible. My husband did apologize a few hours later but it was one of those apologies where he said, “I am sorry you were hurt by what I said”, not “Sorry for what I said”. Perhaps it is my brain that sees most everything in a dark way but it is also typically how my husband apologizes. The last two days I have been keeping out of his way in another part of the house. 

Yesterday I mentioned I fell at work.  I did hurt myself and it will take a week or two to recover. My whole body hurts.

My husband is being horrible. I have tried to explain our relationship before. Most of the time he is fine but I also have to walk on eggshells to prevent an episode. I purposely avoid certain conversations and try to keep everything tidy. Today I pushed too far and he freaked.  After injuring myself yesterday I had to start a WCB claim and won’t be able to work for a few days. Tomorrow we are getting the carpets cleaned and I won’t be able to move some furniture. (There was more said here but I am too tired to get into it.)  He called me a “fat cow” who sits around everyday on my laptop. He said he wished he had never married me.  And he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what he said. It devastates me. He does things like this and then leaves the house.

I feel (again) so fucking powerless. He always wins. No matter what I say or don’t say,  no matter what I do or don’t do,  I lose. He is a person who has had the opportunity to fight his whole life and I have been weak and passive my whole life. I have no control over how sad he can make me. There is no way to describe the powerlessness unless you have gone through it. I wish I could make him feel as bad as I do so he would know but I don’t think he has the ability to feel bad about himself.

So often I think I should just be alone. I can’t handle discord in any relationship.  I don’t have a filter to not feel dejected and broken.  What the fuck is wrong with me? Days like this being dead looks so inviting. I don’t want to live the rest of my life being who I am.

5 thoughts on “Crappy Days

  1. There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you and husband have different styles of communicating and different ways of dealing with frustration. You also have varying personalities. This does not mean that one of you is always right while the other is always wrong. Perhaps a therapist could give you some help regarding how to communicate so that neither of you has to feel wrong…Hugs!

  2. “I have no control over how sad he can make me.”

    I’m so sorry to read this. We don’t know each other, but I do drop by now and then.
    Fights like these are horrible. They hurt so badly.
    Maybe, when you feel a bit better, you can look at the quote some more.
    How hard it may be to believe, you do have a little control. And maybe a lot. I hope you can find a way to regain it.

  3. I’m sorry to read this post. Marriage is beyond difficult, except when it’s not. I personally do not have a good track record and can actually empathize with you here. I wish that I could come over to your house, kick the man out and just hang out with you, watch I Love Lucy and laugh. Please be gentle with yourself. You know some mindfulness techniques, and when you begin to chastise yourself, just sit with the feelings, however strong and profound, and try not to judge them but, rather, observe them. Like clouds. They will pass. Be encouraged by all those that love you, exactly the way you are.

  4. I’m sorry that you experience these moments. Based on my previous marriage, I can honestly say that I totally understand. You do have control over your life, who is in it and how you should be treated, but the journey to that destination is difficult and stressful, and requires a lot of energy, something we often lack when we feel beaten down. I hope today is a much better day.

  5. I do not like the sound of this. For a long time I thought your depression was creating the fall outs between you and your husband but I don’t remember hearing him saying things like that to you. That is not good and it is not fair. You need support not abusive comments and hope this will work out of you can get out.

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