I posted this a couple of days ago then took it down. Shame covers me when I fight with my husband. It seems most of you have such happy marriages. Mine is OK but other times it is horrible. My husband did apologize a few hours later but it was one of those apologies where he said, “I am sorry you were hurt by what I said”, not “Sorry for what I said”. Perhaps it is my brain that sees most everything in a dark way but it is also typically how my husband apologizes. The last two days I have been keeping out of his way in another part of the house.
Yesterday I mentioned I fell at work. I did hurt myself and it will take a week or two to recover. My whole body hurts.
My husband is being horrible. I have tried to explain our relationship before. Most of the time he is fine but I also have to walk on eggshells to prevent an episode. I purposely avoid certain conversations and try to keep everything tidy. Today I pushed too far and he freaked. After injuring myself yesterday I had to start a WCB claim and won’t be able to work for a few days. Tomorrow we are getting the carpets cleaned and I won’t be able to move some furniture. (There was more said here but I am too tired to get into it.) He called me a “fat cow” who sits around everyday on my laptop. He said he wished he had never married me. And he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what he said. It devastates me. He does things like this and then leaves the house.
I feel (again) so fucking powerless. He always wins. No matter what I say or don’t say, no matter what I do or don’t do, I lose. He is a person who has had the opportunity to fight his whole life and I have been weak and passive my whole life. I have no control over how sad he can make me. There is no way to describe the powerlessness unless you have gone through it. I wish I could make him feel as bad as I do so he would know but I don’t think he has the ability to feel bad about himself.
So often I think I should just be alone. I can’t handle discord in any relationship. I don’t have a filter to not feel dejected and broken. What the fuck is wrong with me? Days like this being dead looks so inviting. I don’t want to live the rest of my life being who I am.