depIt is one of those days when everything just feels wrong. My head feels like it is in cotton. I have cramps. The only reason I bothered to get dressed today is because my sagging breasts were sticking to my fat stomach. And I know that I should not feel this way. I have everything I could possibly need and it makes no sense but there is no point in trying to explain it. This feeling of hopelessness in myself and at the state of the planet. It hangs on me. Today I wrote a comment on a blog about having no idea what it is like to not have depression and anxiety. The medication I swallow daily takes the edge off but it never goes away. It never goes away. Never. It has been with me since I can remember. Yes, at three years old I remember having such a sadness. And at seven I remember feeling lost, like I didn’t fit anywhere, like I missed the Day of Introduction and everyone else knew what to do and when to do it. I still feel that way. It goes beyond the square peg in the round hole.

dep1Most people living out in the world are not anxious depressives. (If you are not one of them thank your lucky stars.) Most people like getting up in the morning. Most people don’t dread living the rest of their lives wondering what the hell it is all about. I envy those people.

The relationships in my life are strained. My marriage is far from happy. My son is still not speaking to me with the exception of terse words on Skype when I ask him how he is doing. “Fine.”  My daughter and I are okay but she is busy with her own life and that is the way it should be.  School books sit unopened because I can’t wrap my head around and concentrate on basic lessons. And maybe going back to school is a mistake. Very likely it is. Better I discover that now then after I have invested thousands of dollars

It has been 44 years of feeling lost. Feeling like there is something very wrong with me. And this is the way it is going to be for the rest of my life. Tears bring no release and yet I cry just the same.

And of course I feel like I should apologize for this post. But it is called “Ditching the Black Dog” for a reason. But nevertheless, I am sorry.

16 thoughts on “

  1. I lived this way for about eight years, but it was situational. I had too much pressure, stress and responsibility. I was constantly in a state of depression and/or anxiety. Sometimes it was low-level anxiety, but it never went away completely, so I know how you feel, but I can’t imagine living that way for my entire life. There must be another medication that could help. There are so many available. I wish you well, Birdie.

  2. Birdie, I am glad I am not alone, because I am feeling down today! I don’t struggle with anxiety attacks but I have been struggling with depression for years now, and yes, I also take meds for it, as if I don’t the down feelings get even worse, dangerously so sometimes. Believe me, I can relate. Sending you a warm hug and much love, my dear friend.

  3. I am sorry that you feel this way, Birdie. I send you love and continued strength and courage. Please know that you are a light in the world, however dark you feel. I read your posts sometimes, your comments on my own blog and laugh out loud. You bring joy. I say that not in an attempt to make you “feel better,” but to convey my appreciation for who you are —

  4. Awww Birdie I feel that way most of the time too. I console myself by thinking that lots of other people must feel that same way too but just are better at hiding it. Feeling like this and having no control makes me feel like punching people who say “happiness is a choice”. Like anyone would choose to feel depressed, sheesh!
    You aren’t alone.

  5. I agree with Mrs. Moon…you don’t have to apologize for how you feel. It is what it is. You are still a human on this earth and deserve to be here as much as the trees and the stars (that’s from a poem, but I can’t remember which one). Take care. I can’t say the misery will pass, but I can say you are loved despite it.

  6. Maybe it’s cosmic? I certainly feel the exact same way today but your comment and others really did make a difference to me so I’m here to say you’re not alone, dear Birdie, you are part of a chain of arms linked together with love. Thank you for being here and sharing you. Bless you.

  7. Depression is a dangerous disease. I don’t know why some of us are more prone to it, but we are. I’ve never felt like I fit in either. It’s a hard way to live, always with your nose pressed up against the glass, watching others. At least that’s how I feel sometimes. Sending hugs Birdie.

  8. Big hearted people feel more.
    That’s about all the wisdom I have today.
    Feel better, tootsie pop.

  9. I hate to read this and know that you are in pain but I also appreciate knowing that I’m not alone, so thank you for posting. I hope you feel better again soon.

    It is so bittersweet to me that we may have never known of each other if it weren’t for these painful feelings and our blogging outlets, I’m so grateful to have you as a blogger buddy, but in a way it’s the pain that brought us into each other’s lives, so I must be grateful for the darkness in that way-does that make any sense?

    Living with disease like this… it’s not like “every rose has it’s thorns,” more like “every thicket has it’s bloom,” seems like so many thorny days for each short lived bloomy day. Heh, gloomy vs. bloomy? 🙂

    Soldier on dear Birdie, you have a wonderfully kind warrior heart no matter what your brain says.

  10. Your post made me feel so much recognition and that feeling of having a big fat tear that wants to break out and roll down came over me. You are not alone and the title of your blog ditching the black dog does not mean that you have to be bright and breezy and funny all of the time. Ditching the dog isn’t a quick fix as we all know, there will be days like these and they are very scary aren’t they, because we feel overwhelmed with our brokenness and that feeling that things will never be different or that this feeling of overwhelm will not go away this time. Hateful! No apologies needed at all, in fact thank you for being here and for helping people understand what depression and anxiety feels like. Your words about not fitting in and not knowing the rules really captures how I feel most days. Right now things are so much better than they were years ago, but each day is still a struggle and causes me a lot of heartache. I tend to avoid situations and conversations which has helped and also hindered at times. However pacing yourself, self compassion and being kind about the small steps you are making everyday is the only way to keep moving forward. Please take care of yourself. I notice my that your next post reports a better day so well done and keep going.

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