It is one of those days when everything just feels wrong. My head feels like it is in cotton. I have cramps. The only reason I bothered to get dressed today is because my sagging breasts were sticking to my fat stomach. And I know that I should not feel this way. I have everything I could possibly need and it makes no sense but there is no point in trying to explain it. This feeling of hopelessness in myself and at the state of the planet. It hangs on me. Today I wrote a comment on a blog about having no idea what it is like to not have depression and anxiety. The medication I swallow daily takes the edge off but it never goes away. It never goes away. Never. It has been with me since I can remember. Yes, at three years old I remember having such a sadness. And at seven I remember feeling lost, like I didn’t fit anywhere, like I missed the Day of Introduction and everyone else knew what to do and when to do it. I still feel that way. It goes beyond the square peg in the round hole.
Most people living out in the world are not anxious depressives. (If you are not one of them thank your lucky stars.) Most people like getting up in the morning. Most people don’t dread living the rest of their lives wondering what the hell it is all about. I envy those people.
The relationships in my life are strained. My marriage is far from happy. My son is still not speaking to me with the exception of terse words on Skype when I ask him how he is doing. “Fine.” My daughter and I are okay but she is busy with her own life and that is the way it should be. School books sit unopened because I can’t wrap my head around and concentrate on basic lessons. And maybe going back to school is a mistake. Very likely it is. Better I discover that now then after I have invested thousands of dollars
It has been 44 years of feeling lost. Feeling like there is something very wrong with me. And this is the way it is going to be for the rest of my life. Tears bring no release and yet I cry just the same.
And of course I feel like I should apologize for this post. But it is called “Ditching the Black Dog” for a reason. But nevertheless, I am sorry.