It was so hard getting out of bed this morning. I woke up with the knowledge that I would come home and nap. It is horrible being that tired. It got worse when a client decided to (legally) steam some pot. The smell gave me a headache and an upset stomach (isn’t it supposed to do the opposite?) I left right away and was thinking about calling in to work then heading home but they make such a big such a big deal when you call in sick. You get drilled on your symptoms and then end up feeling guilty. I just continued on with my day. It was just easier.
Anyway, I did get home and did have a nap of sorts but it is hot and stuffy and for some reason I am dragging my blue gray day behind me. As time goes on I am becoming more and more aware what is causing these blue gray days and it goes beyond all the things going on in the world. It is more things going on in my world. Things that are seemingly out of my control. Things that make my tummy hurt and cause me to cry myself to sleep. But I am not a strong woman. All the strength I have is used up. Used up in day to day of just living. Getting up when the alarm goes after not getting enough sleep. Dealing with the people I care for who are sick and getting sicker. Dealing with my husband that I love but don’t think is really loves me. Well, I don’t think. I know. He tells me. I try to talk to him and he says, “You wonder why I don’t love you. All you do is take and take.” And it gets to me. To the point that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even with trying to go back to school. There is zero support there.
Anyway. That is all I can say tonight. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so tired.