Crawling Home

It was so hard getting out of bed this morning. I woke up with the knowledge that I would come home and nap. It is horrible being that tired. It got worse when a client decided to (legally) steam some pot. The smell gave me a headache and an upset stomach (isn’t it supposed to do the opposite?) I left right away and was thinking about calling in to work then heading home but they make such a big such a big deal when you call in sick. You get drilled on your symptoms and then end up feeling guilty. I just continued on with my day. It was just easier.

Anyway, I did get home and did have a nap of sorts but it is hot and stuffy and for some reason I am dragging my blue gray day behind me. As time goes on I am becoming more and more aware what is causing these blue gray days and it goes beyond all the things going on in the world. It is more things going on in my world. Things that are seemingly out of my control. Things that make my tummy hurt and cause me to cry myself to sleep. But I am not a strong woman. All the strength I have is used up. Used up in day to day of just living. Getting up when the alarm goes after not getting enough sleep. Dealing with the people I care for who are sick and getting sicker. Dealing with my husband that I love but don’t think is really loves me. Well, I don’t think. I know. He tells me. I try to talk to him and he says, “You wonder why I don’t love you. All you do is take and take.”  And it gets to me. To the point that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Even with trying to go back to school. There is zero support there.

Anyway. That is all I can say tonight. I am so tired. I am so tired. I am so tired.

12 thoughts on “Crawling Home

  1. This post makes me wonder if maybe you shouldn’t just get a 9 to 5 job in a plant nursery. Seriously, Birdie. Life is short. I want you to be happy.

  2. Oh Barbara…..
    Now I have to worry about you….
    Days off coming up?
    What is it with your husband? Cannot figure that guy out…..yikes….

  3. I can’t stand the smell of pot, Birdie, it sickens me. Take care of yourself and make sure you get adequate rest. Night and graveyard shifts are not good at all for mental and physical health.

  4. You could use me as a sniffer dog around marijuana. It gives me an instant headache and nausea. I believe that we are likely to be able to use it to counteract pain for some conditions (MS included) but I won’t be playing.
    Being exhausted makes everything harder and turns even the slightest obstacle into Everest.
    Take as much care of yourself as you can.
    Heartfelt hugs.

  5. He actually said he did not love you? Yikes!Ditto what Linda and Mary said…Maybe a qualified counselor could help you figure some things out for yourself.

  6. I’m going to come over there and give your husband a good smack upside the head! Why would he say such a thing to the woman he’s married to? I hope you get a good nights rest because that does help. I’d say Happy Summer Solstice but you’ve already said you had a crap day so I hope tomorrow is a better day and things start to feel better for you.

  7. I can feel how overwhelmed you are, Birdie. No control and no support make a very bad combination. Change is scary, especially when we’re forced into it, but sometimes necessary. Take care of yourself.

  8. I can’t stand the smell of pot either and my hubby always reminds me “you voted for it!” Yeah, yeah.. I voted for the legalization, just not the smell!

    Keep on truckin, what goes down must come up-hope you get more self care time 🙂

  9. He said he doesn’t love you?!
    Take back your life girl, it’s the only one you get. He’s lucky he’s not mine, because he’d be on the curb with a goose egg on his forehead and a pile of his chopped up clothes at his feet.
    Big hugs to you.

  10. Those words should not be coming from his mouth, serious or not. That’s just cruel :(. Xox

    I’m sure the stress of late is not helping keep your mood stable and optimistic. Try to take a little time out for you, if you can. Maybe a planned week or two off from work? Time to sleep and not worry and think too much.

    Next time he pulls that crap though, give it right back to him. (Hugs you).

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