My mood from yesterday has not changed. I do have my period so that isn’t helping. I am still waiting for the fucking biopsy results. It has been 15 days today since they took cells from my breasts and told me to wait. I finally called the surgeon and his office is closed this week. How nice for him to go away on vacation while I sit and wait to see what the rest of my life is going to be like. No, I don’t begrudge him a holiday. Not at all. What bothers me is not having anyone to talk to or anyone to answer my questions. And it is the waiting. I run my hands over my breasts and can only wonder what will happen to them.
I did contact a tutor but haven’t heard back.
We had an electrician come in today to fix an outside wall plug that I guessed I overloaded. My husband was a total asshole about it which left me even more sad and feeling stupid. Some days our relationship is so great. Other days I want to leave. Today is one of those days.
After the electrician left I went back to bed and slept for 3 hours. I could go back to bed again right now and sleep for just as long. When I sleep I don’t have to feel stupid and useless and fat and ugly. I don’t have to worry about breast cancer. My husband will rag on me though. That is the only reason I even got out of bed.
I know I have posted this quote many times before but it describes so perfectly how I feel when I am in a depression.
I want it over and done. I do. I’m tired, boss. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time.