Like the Tides…

My mood from yesterday has not changed. I do have my period so that isn’t helping. I am still waiting for the fucking biopsy results. It has been 15 days today since they took cells from my breasts and told me to wait. I finally called the surgeon and his office is closed this week. How nice for him to go away on vacation while I sit and wait to see what the rest of my life is going to be like. No, I don’t begrudge him a holiday. Not at all. What bothers me is not having anyone to talk to or anyone to answer my questions. And it is the waiting. I run my hands over my breasts and can only wonder what will happen to them.

I did contact a tutor but haven’t heard back.

We had an electrician come in today to fix an outside wall plug that I guessed I overloaded. My husband was a total asshole about it which left me even more sad and feeling stupid. Some days our relationship is so great. Other days I want to leave. Today is one of those days.

After the electrician left I went back to bed and slept for 3 hours. I could go back to bed again right now and sleep for just as long. When I sleep I don’t have to feel stupid and useless and fat and ugly. I don’t have to worry about breast cancer. My husband will rag on me though. That is the only reason I even got out of bed.

I know I have posted this quote many times before but it describes so perfectly how I feel when I am in a depression.

I want it over and done. I do. I’m tired, boss. Tired of bein’ on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we’s coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time.

10 thoughts on “Like the Tides…

  1. That is a perfect description of how depression feels.
    Fah! on doctors who don’t have the compassion to understand what such a wait means. I mean it- it’s unconscionable.

  2. Your Dr. should have told you he was going to be away for a week. Sheesh! I’d be a raving maniac if my Dr. had done that to me. How exactly do you overload a plug? We have powerbars on pretty much every plug in our house because it’s an old house and does not have enough electrical outlets and even with our old possibly knob-and-tube wiring behind the old walls we have never been able to overload a plug. It was most likely faulty wiring and not your fault at all. Everything will right itself in time just hang on until the tide turns.

  3. I am so sorry to hear of the ridiculous long wait to hear the results of your biopsy. I do an awful lot of complaining about our medical system, and I understand that “waiting” in Canada is one of the worst aspects of socialized care. I’m more sorry, though, that you’re struggling with depression and I send you hugs and love and continued strength and courage.

  4. I know that feeling too well. It will pass, even though it doesn’t seem so at the time.

    The big guy and I are going to be in Victoria next week on the night of the 25th. Would you like to get together for a cup of tea or a drink? We won’t be in town long, just one night and we’re having supper with an old friend. Let me know. You have my email. Take care woman.

  5. Period time is never good times. Clearly, you’re not the tyrant I am because husbands duck and cover in this house. Sorry yours is being an ass. Boys are so dumb,
    I’d put that fucking surgeon on blast too! Asshole.
    May you and your titties have a better day.

  6. That is just plain rude of the doctor’s office not to call their patients. At least my doctor’s here do it.
    I’m so sorry you are having such a shitty day dear. I’m hoping it gets better for you really soon. Great big loving hugs to you.

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