I feel such a heaviness today. More than anything I need a break. It seems like it has been a lifetime since I enjoyed myself or looked forward to something. I had 4 days off a few weeks back but that was not enough time. Everything feels hopeless. I miss my son. He hasn’t spoken to me since he left. And I have been serious doubts about everything I have believed for most of my life. The somewhat solid ground I thought I was walking seems like sand. These feelings revolve around the state of the world and faith and that maybe there is no God. Yes, serious stuff. If I think hard on it I wonder if this losing of faith is the root of all my depression. I just don’t know where a god can fit into the things that are happening on this planet. I am not talking about anything in my own personal life; I know I live a charmed life. I am talking about horrors that I do not need to list here. If you don’t know what they are then there is no point in explaining. But maybe this is all just perimenpoause. Apparently one of the symptoms is being totally overwhelmed at the state of the world. Anyway, I am tired that a thousand hours of sleep will not fix. I had to wait until next Tuesday to see my doctor about all this perimenopausal shit but I got a call that the appointment has been moved so I have to wait three weeks. That is a lifetime.
So much heaviness. All I know is I believe in Love. You are all proof of that. And now I am going to start crying again because it is my blogging world that has shown me unconditional love. There is a song that is well known in Christian circles and some of the words describe all of you….
“You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor”
So thank you. Thank you.