Heaviness

I feel such a heaviness today. More than anything I need a break. It seems like it has been a lifetime since I enjoyed myself or looked forward to something. I had 4 days off a few weeks back but that was not enough time. Everything feels hopeless. I miss my son. He hasn’t spoken to me since he left. And I have been serious doubts about everything I have believed for most of my life. The somewhat solid ground I thought I was walking seems like sand. These feelings revolve around the state of the world and faith and that maybe there is no God. Yes, serious stuff. If I think hard on it I wonder if this losing of faith is the root of all my depression. I just don’t know where a god can fit into the things that are happening on this planet. I am not talking about anything in my own personal life; I know I live a charmed life. I am talking about horrors that I do not need to list here. If you don’t know what they are then there is no point in explaining. But maybe this is all just perimenpoause. Apparently one of the symptoms is being totally overwhelmed at the state of the world. Anyway, I am tired that a thousand hours of sleep will not fix. I had to wait until next Tuesday to see my doctor about all this perimenopausal shit but I got a call that the appointment has been moved so I have to wait three weeks. That is a lifetime.

So much heaviness. All I know is I believe in Love. You are all proof of that. And now I am going to start crying again because it is my blogging world that has shown me unconditional love. There is a song that is well known in Christian circles and some of the words describe all of you….

“You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor”

So thank you. Thank you.

9 thoughts on “Heaviness

  1. It’s very, very hard birdie, to be in the middle of an existential crisis. Losing my faith was harder than getting diagnosed with RA, harder than my son having autism…it was world-shaking and soul-ripping and many-a-sleepless-night making. It’s that feeling of having the floor ripped out from under you and of being in a free-fall. Free-falls don’t last forever though, and there will be firm earth again, regardless if you find it in religion, or agnosticism, or non-belief. You’ll land where you land, and then you’ll find there are things to appreciate in all those places. Hang on dear…being in the middle is the hardest part.

    PS I’m sorry things are so tough with your son…I’m sure you’re missing him and very hurt, but know you did the right thing. He likely won’t realize it for a long time, but that is the nature of growing up.

  2. Heart-felt hugs.
    Empathy is not an unmixed blessing. All too often it has sharp, pointy teeth. And teamed with perimenopause it is no wonder you feel you are drowning.
    Hang in as best you can. You are a very special person, and cared about. So very much. Probably more than you are able to care about yourself.

  3. I know what you mean when you say you feel overwhelmed with life. I think it’s a perimenopause thing cause I feel like that all the time now. It’s like I used to feel in control of my life but now I feel like I’m hopeless and can’t get anything right anymore. I feel like I need a long holiday myself. You hang in there cause things do get better. In all my years of life that’s the only thing I am sure of, that things never stay the same for long and if you hang in there things will eventually get better. Here’s hoping things get better for us both very soon.

  4. I think that when you have lived most of your life with a belief system firmly in place and then, for whatever reason, you give that belief system up, you have to fill that emptiness with something. For some it is a different belief but it has to be real. Love is a good start. It goes from there. You have that. And goddamn! but I want you to be able to get to the doctor. This waiting is horrible and you need help.

  5. I was so inside my own head yesterday, I still feel that way today. Maybe it’s the time of the year, after a long winter, we just need to reevaluate every single thought about life and living?!
    I cried three times last night watching The Voice and was on the edge of it all day. I feel like I need a fall down sob til you gag cry.

  6. Sorry you are at a loss in your faith in God. It happens. It did to me when I was suffering from depression too. I turned to a Pagan lifestyle in Witchcraft without God because it seemed to be the answer to all my questions. I don’t regret it at all. My life is in Nature as a Witch. And no I don’t do evil things or believe in the Devil. That is a Christian manifestation that priests used in order to keep the people in the church in line. All I’m trying to say is, stay, review your life with God before you walk away.
    As for your son, it’s the way of life. He will come around sometime soon. Just give it time. We all really do care about you, dear. Great big warm loving hugs for you.

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