What the Pharmcist Said

I don’t even know where to start because there was so much wrong. He did say I was about halfway through peri-menopause which makes me see a possible light at the end of this very long tunnel. For years everyone has been telling me that I am too young for this. Well, they were wrong. My numbers are all low except one. In addition, I am heading to an adrenal crash brought on by stress. He has about 15 things for me to do including simple things like adding trace minerals and more complicated things like adding progesterone, testosterone and Estriol.  He had a lot more to say but looking at my numbers shows that I have been in crisis for a long time. It explains the depression and the anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and despair. It explains why I am always so tired that I can barely think. I now have to wait another week to see my doctor so he can prescribe the medications recommended and from there it will take several weeks before I start feeling better. Right now, well I can’t feel any worse. Every day I get through without harming myself is a good day. Things are so bad that if I had gone today and he had told me that nothing was wrong with me I was considering suicide. Yes. That is how bad it is right now. I cry all day long and have no support. I can’t tell anyone how I feel which is why I write here. I don’t want to be a burden to those around me. The thing is, I am a burden. And sometimes I feel like everyone would be so much happier if I wasn’t around. Who wants to be with someone who is always crying? I stay alive for my kids because I don’t want to leave them with a legacy of a mom who killed herself. My husband is sick of me and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be married to me. You can all say what a horrible person he is but you don’t have to live with me like he does. It is easy to support me when you don’t have to live with me day for years.

19 thoughts on “What the Pharmcist Said

  1. hold on sweetie.. sounds like help is on the way.. it wont be s long as it has been and I see a light at the end of what I know has been a long dark tunnel for you.. you ARE going to get better.. I demand it ~! lol.. wrap your arms around yourself tight and try to feel the hugs I am sending you across the miles… just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths and try to rest..
    Sonny

  2. Hang in there, Birdie. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. I wish I lived closer and I would bring you something yummy and we could go for a fun walk after.

    PS: Your husband is dooky. Or is it dookie?

  3. Hun, take a breathe, cuz no one on earth is ALL bad. My husband has to live with me and I feel real sorry for him, but you know what? I manage to get some things right, and so do you. Maybe you’re stressed, maybe you’re moody as hell, maybe you’re difficult to live with….it doesn’t matter. You are a human and deserve love, regardless of whether or not the people around you can see that. Shit, my entire support system claims I’m Satan incarnate! Now if I (oh excuse me, I mean Satan) can see some worth in you, surely that’s enough for you to see some worth in yourself.

    You hang on…I know it’s bad…you know I know how bad it is. It will be ok. Lean on myself and the others here who care about you. I may not be able to physically run over to your house and give you a hug, but I am here sending you all the love I have through the ether. ❤

      • Gotcha out of spam…thanks for letting me know. I look forward to getting to know you!

  4. Hang in there Birdie. You will get better. It will be better and what Ain’t no Shrinking Violet said is true. Sending hugs.

  5. Oh dear heart. Depression has also told me, more often that I care to think, that I would be better off dead, and so would the people I love. be better off if they no longer had to deal with me. And even when I am not in the depths of depression I neither like nor value myself. You have my email. I would love to hear from you.
    Depression is a skilled and convincing liar.
    I am so glad that a problem has been identified (finally) and hope, so much, that the light at the end of the tunnel becomes a beacon. Soon.
    Hugs.

  6. On the flip side, YOU have to live with HIM and he doesn’t sound very supportive…just saying. Sending prayers and hugs to you Birdie.

  7. Hey Friend. I’m in the midst of peri menopause too and also keep getting told I’m too young for it to be happening…yet…here it is. I hope that some of the recommended treatments resolve some of your symptoms. Even a small change, I’m sure, would be most welcome. xx

  8. I KNOW I left a comment here. When I had menopause symptoms I was told I wasn’t old enough. By the time the doctors said I WAS old enough I’d handled it on my own, thank you very much! Doctors can sometimes be stupid. Hang in there.

  9. Dear Birdie,

    It sounds to me like there is a light at the end of the tunnel…and that it is getting closer and closer. Sending you a hug.

  10. Dear Birdie,

    I wanted to add that I am glad you are sharing this. Depression is not something that just goes away on its own and it is good to be able to get it out and discuss it.

  11. You are halfway through perimenopause!
    Sigh.
    So, I have to echo what everyone else has already said. Your feelings of worthlessness are because of the depression. It will pass. Hang on. I know you’ll defend your husband but honey, if if he can’t handle you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best. Maybe he needs to hear that.
    Love and nurture your precious self.

  12. Depression and feelings of hopelessness are horrible things to endure, and it’s hard to process your thoughts or keep perspective. Even getting yourself to the shower can be an effort that is just too much. Thinking of you. You will feel better soon.

  13. I just want to add my voice, sending you some love. I know what you’re feeling very well. I also think that not wanting to leave your kids the legacy of a mom who took her own life is a powerful motivation and I am glad you have it. It has kept me going many a day and sometimes all we need to do is hang on till we come out the tunnel for a bit. Hang on dear Birdie. You are loved.

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