The most succinct words I have ever heard to describe depression…

I want it to be over and done with. I do. I’m tired boss. I’m tired of being on the road lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having a buddy to be with to tell me where we’s going to, coming from or why. Mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?”

Several hours later –  I stopped by my local pharmacy and the nicest pharmacist in the world is going to check my hormones for me. Something is OBVIOUSLY wrong. Going back tomorrow for the saliva test and it will take about two weeks to come back. For now I am sitting in my temporary home with the window wide open listening to the rain. I am going to go have a hot bath in a bit then go to sleep listening to that rain.

5 thoughts on “This

  1. Birdie I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. No one deserves to feel that bad ever. My marriage is not one to use as an example so I don’t give advice about what others should do in their own marriages. Only you can know what is right for you to do. Don’t worry about what other people think or say do what you want to do. If you want to stay with him then stay. If not then move on, you are the only one who knows what’s right for you.
    Depression sucks, it really does. I wish I had something to say that would make things better for you. I hope the hormone check gives you some answers. Perimenopause is brutal. I call it’ Puberty Backwards and no one wants to go through puberty again let alone backwards! Hang in there sweetie, just keep breathing.

  2. Good for you for taking a stand! Sometimes it takes a big dramatic exit to get people to change/step up and notice how their actions are affecting others.

    Your feelings will pass. Do you have anyone in your life that is on the outside looking in that can tell you if you’re being overly sensitive or if he’s being a jackass? Like a reliable external third party? Because if you’re not clear, then maybe that’s what you need. A safe place to be is goo though, at least until you think things through.

    I wish you clarity and peace.

    And I swear, you are here for many reasons, none of which may seem clear or valid to you right now, but they seem clear and valid to me. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. This storm will pass. Much love to you!!!!

  3. It’s a good idea to take a breather and clear your mind. You should not make any big decisions until your health is in order. Your judgment is clouded right now, and you need to take care of yourself first. Only you can decide what’s best for you, but whatever decision you make, it should make you happy. If your marriage is worth saving, I once again suggest some type of counseling. Good communication is key to understanding and listening to each other, and recognizing how we hurt our partner, and how we can put a stop to that, is important. Love should not hurt like this. This sounds more like misunderstanding and miscommunication. I hope that you and your husband do solve your problems, and that you can reach a level where you wake up in the morning and think “What can I do to make my partner happy today?” And please don’t do anything drastic, Birdie. Give it another day, and then wake up tomorrow and repeat that. It’ll get better.

  4. PLEASE wait the two weeks to get the results before you do ANYTHING. Tell someone where you are and let them know how low you’re feeling. Don’t do anything drastic. Please.
    In fact I echo everything Martha just said.

  5. What an apt description of depression…especially the sparrow in the rain part. I know exactly what that feels like. I’m not suicidal though…are you feeling suicidal birdie, or just extremely sad? It’s possible to have one without the other, or of course both together. Half the time I don’t know how I’m going to get out of bed in the morning, but it helps me to know others are out there doing it…others like you. Keep going girl.

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