This Depression and What it Does

First of all, I feel like my body is weighted down. It takes effort to move my fingers even to type. I stopped by your blogs today and most of the time I could not form a thought to leave a comment.  I can think in snippets but can’t think in sentences. Today it took every last bit of mental energy to move my e mail to Outlook. In the end I could not do it and had to call my internet provider to do it for me remotely. It was so easy but I just kept forgetting what he said to do and I could not remember my passwords. He was very kind and gracious and I very apologetic as he took over my computer at their office and did it all for me.

I woke today at about 9:00 and all I want to do is sleep. I am supposed to go out tonight but the thought of that overwhelms me and I feel like crying. I just want to stay home. Going out. It is a punishment. I think instead I am just going to get into my pyjamas and have some soup that our neighbour brought over. She is a lovely, lovely woman that I mentioned a few posts back. Her husband is dying. Today we found out his kidneys have failed. Why do bad things happen to such wonderful people? Why? It is the one of the many things that is causing this current depressive episode. The world doesn’t make any sense to me. No. It troubles me greatly. As I have said before, depression for me is not a dis-ease about my own life or a lack of anything but all the sadness and injustice in the world. There is so much hate. Everybody wants to fight. Nobody really cares about anyone else. Nobody bothers to sweep his/her own doorstep. I do not like living in a world where people care so little about one another. I feel like I give 100% and get back about 2%. I don’t give to get back but when you only give you eventually become empty. I don’t really have a God to pray to that I feel cares about me so I feel mostly lonely. Honestly, you are all my God. You are the ones that give back to me.

This post has exhausted me so until next time, Be Good to One Another.

13 thoughts on “This Depression and What it Does

  1. What you describe…the physical heaviness of your limbs, the mental confusion and cloudiness, is a textbook description of clinical depression….as you know. Have you called your Dr, Love? You know that this is not something you can “will” away, or rest until it passes, or try really hard and you will feel better. Please call your dr. Please. ((((Hug))))

  2. I’m sorry things are feeling extra heavy right now. Hope you find some happiness, even if all you see is the bad right now.

    It’s really not all bad out there. Many of us care, are caring, help and love each other. I just don’t think you see that right now.

    Hope you get to soon, because I promise, good, even great, is out there.

  3. From my own experiences with severe disability and life in general, I’ve found the angel to asshole ratio to be about 50/50. The assholes get more press…the angels are quieter but can save your soul. You are definitely an angel.

    I’m sorry you have to fight that nasty black dog.

    You’re not alone, luv…I think about you all the time and am sending comfort and peace your way.

  4. Come over to my blog and laugh a little. Humour will get some endorphins going. It’s a bad period and that’s why the world seems like such a lost cause to you. Like Wonder Woman (a.k.a The Happy Whisk) says, there are many of us that do care. And care very much so. The world is filled with beauty and beautiful people. Your depression is clouding your mind and not letting you see that. Hang in there, girl; this will pass.

  5. Oh dearheart.
    I am so so sorry that you are weighed down like this. There is good in the world. There are caring people – and you are a perfect example.
    At the moment that lying soul sucker is hiding them from you, but they are there. Really they are.
    And yes, like Annette, I am asking you to go to the doctor. Please. This is too big for you to battle alone.
    Hugs and an ocean of caring.

  6. I love Violet’s asshole/angel ratio. I don’t think it applies to driving on UK roads. That’s where the assholes live!

    Seriously though. Get you to a doctor! Get yourself proper help. Sure, we’re all here to support you when you need it – but we can’t treat you. And you need treatment now, not just sympathy. Yes, I know even making the phone call will be hard work, but you HAVE to, OK? Big hugs.

  7. I had that kind of week all last week. I tried to describe it to someone partly as having a hard hat being pushed down on your head, and not knowing when or if it would ease up.

    Hang in!

  8. I had the day from hell today myself. if you want to hear about it come over to my blog and if hearing other people’s woes makes you feel worse please don’t read it.
    Stay home and eat soup, heck have a pie! Do whatever it takes for you to feel better. If that means doing nothing then do nothing. Do not by any means go online and read any kind of negativity! Maybe just stay off the internet and all sorts of media for a few days. Go outside and take a walk if you can. Sometimes the internet just sucks the life out of me. There is so much negativity and fighting online that some days I just shut it all off and read a good book, take a walk and ignore the news for few days.

  9. Since everyone else has said what I’ve already thought to say, I offer this.

    Get your ass to Reitmans, they are having a great sale and you could buy yourself something pretty and soft and it might work to make you feel a teeny tiny bit better! I was MISERABLE the other day and I did just that, bought two new outfits, a sweater, three pairs of fun socks and two necklaces and I tell you, I felt awesome! I may be miserable but I least I have cute clothes! (This may be my next blog title.)

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