This Too Shall Pass… In About 10 Years

First, I decided to password protect some of my old posts. Just ask if you want the password. I will explain why I put it on password protection at the same time.

I have only been dealing with the hot flashes/mood swings/chin whiskers etc. for about two years or so now and I have had enough. I am going crazy. I look ugly. You can say all you want but I do. I use to be so cute but since my mom died and all the dealings with The Black Dog of late I just look old. I don’t know the person in the mirror anymore nor do I care to. Even though I have lost 25 pounds I can’t make myself care. Who cares what I weigh? Really? Who cares? I feel I have little to offer this world. I am not good at anything. I am not intelligent. I have no musical ability, I am not artistic, I am not talented at anything. But I know how to love. I don’t know anything anymore. I feel like a failure.

But I have to go on for the sake of my kids. I can’t leave them that legacy. This is a feeling that no amount of antidepressants will take away, I will just go on feeling that  underlying hopelessness and sadness. Some days will be OK and I have become an expert at faking it. (There is something I am good at.)

19 thoughts on “This Too Shall Pass… In About 10 Years

  1. Oh Birdie. I came online to my own blog to complain about the way my husband is treating me only to see your post at the top of my blog list. You are a great and good person. I couldn’t take care of people the way you do every day, I know I’m no good at that, Mike has done nothing but tell me how bad I am for a week now. You have many talents. I can’t paint, play music or even sing (I was told I’m tone deaf by a music teacher at school.)

    I have a failed marriage too and I really do understand how you feel about a second one. It is worse for me as I’d be kicking a dying man into touch!

    I love you Birdie. xxx

  2. My dear Birdie… I have been going through a similar phase for quite sometime now and as you have noticed, I have not been blogging much or been reading many but I just happened to read this post and it struck a chord in me. You are such a brilliant friend… and I bet an awesome mother… you should not listen to those who put you down no matter how close they are to you…to me, those who put you down and make it their business to do so on a regular basis, have problems themselves… your husband seems to have problems of his own… insecurities and he just wants to dump everything on you and find faults in you no matter how wrong he is about you … it just makes him feel better… just like a bully would feel better when preying on those who they think are weaker than them…. you are a God send to me and to so many… learn to listen to your own voice… hug yourself for me.

  3. That is depression talking, not you. “Don’t believe everything you think.”

    You need to see a counselor and you need some salt water, sweat, tears or the sea. Sending hugs.

    I lost my good friend yesterday. I was there when she took her last breath. She was only 49. It’s a fucking rip-off. Life is too precious to waste Birdie. You are here, you matter. Sending love and hugs.

  4. Never think of your relationships as failed. They are just not compatible. We can’t ‘fit’ with everyone. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. It’s not right or wrong, good or bad. It just is. Your husband sounds like he can be a real ass sometimes. I’m sorry for being so direct but I like to call a spade a spade. You cannot control his behaviour but you can control your response to it. You must learn to love yourself. When you do, you will not be affected by someone else’s negativity, toxicity, criticisms or shitty attitude. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and you deserve better. EXPECT better. Repeat it every day. Several times a day. And believe it.

  5. That’s depression gaining ground…..slap IT to the curb, pull it’s covers, and then call your dr. Maybe time for a med adjustment. Your brain chemistry is fucking with your happiness! Don’t allow it and certainly don’t believe a word of depressions lies! That’s all those are….lies to you sweet spirit, meant to pitch you into darkness. Fight back!

  6. I have two failed marriages but I finally found a wonderful man who loves me and cares for me and makes me feel good. I’m not bragging here – just trying to say that if the man you’re with doesn’t make you feel good you tell him to shape up or ship out. You DO NOT NEED the aggravation.
    You deserve love and if you’re not getting it with him who CARES about another broken marriage? Everyone’s allowed a couple of mistakes.

    I’m with Martha on this one. He really does sound like a waste of space sometimes.

  7. Let me tell you something, Birdie- it is living with him that makes you feel all these worthless things which are BULLSHIT! You are good at many, many things and you are incredibly loving and caring and brave and strong and honest.
    No, I am not going to tell you to kick him to the curb but I’m going to tell you that you damn well deserve a loving partner who doesn’t cut your heart to shreds.
    Ugh! This makes me so sad for you.

  8. Life sucks as you get older. I take it with a grain of salt and say fuck it. I used to feel like you are feeling now, but then I realized you don’t have to have a talent to contribute. What you do right now is pretty important. You help people, and that’s what counts. Great big bear hugs for you dear. When I was in the psycho asylum for the black dog long ago, my doctor just told me to tell everyone to take a number or go fuck themselves. You come first when it’s on your time. You got that? Good!

  9. Kindness matters greatly and you are a kind soul. Please don’t take your self image from the reflections of others, who are less kind. You are so much more than that.

  10. Oh crap Birdie, me too. But I feel like I know you just from reading your blog and from what I’ve read you are a kind, sensitive person who anyone would be lucky to know. I doesn’t matter what you look like, we are all getting old, it’s what we do that matters. What you do is a lot. You take loving care of your clients, you are a loving mom to your kids. That is the most important thing you can do, love especially when we feel like we aren’t getting any of that love back. You are still out there spreading that love to everyone else and that is so inspiring. Please don’t let that black dog take you down too far because you do matter, you matter to your kids, your clients and even your husband (I’m guessing I’m right about this, men are just idiots about showing their love). And you matter to your friends and even strangely enough to us people out in blog land.

  11. Oh friend…I feel much the same way. As someone else commented above, you are a kind soul and that matters for something. You have given me great encouragement with your words at various times. I don’t know why everything has to suck so much…but my world is a better place with you in it.

  12. I’m with Mary Moon on this one, he’s making you feel shitty and THAT’S shitty.
    So maybe instead of kicking him to the curb, you should go out and get your biscuit buttered and then let him find out and leave on his own. He doesn’t deserve you. Your kids will respect you more for leaving a shithead than staying with one and sacrificing your precious time on this earth.
    Three’s a charm would be my new motto.
    (Can you email me the password protected word?)

  13. I just came online and had time to stop and catch up with my bestest blogger and friend – you! I started with your latest post and read backwards. As I was reading I was thinking how amazing, funny, clever and loveable you are….there is more but it might sound a bit OTT. It wouldn’t be OTT cos I love you and get all gushy when I love folks!
    Then I got here. I am rageing at your husband for saying those things to you – even in a round about way. You have so much to offer the world and you deserve to be loved, supported and encouraged in shining your light. Ok I know that when we feel depressed it is sometimes hard for our loved ones to know how to help……but this doesn’t sound like that to me. I hate to say these things to you Birdie because it is hard to realise that someone you love and trust is not there for you or up to the challenges of making a relationship work for the both of you.
    I do wonder if his behaviour contributes to you feeling so bad. Please don’t stay because you can’t face your feelings about having another failed marriage. It would be hard for you to cope with but a successful marriage isn’t the measure of you as a person. I wrote this on my planner on the 20th January after a pretty miserable few weeks of feeling really down on myself….Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. Got it somewhere not mine! I get that feeling that you are just not worthy, it can come for your depression yes….but if it coming from someone else too…..it’s just not worth sacrificing your chance of a happy life for that someone!

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