I said it last post and I will say it again. It is such a bleak month with nothing going on. I have not been out of bed except to take my son to the dentist. It seems I get sick every year after Christmas and this year is no exception, No matter what though, the show must go on and nobody is going to take care of all the shit I have to take care of. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Yes, there is that word. This beast, Depression. Even though I post and everything seems well The Black Dog is always around. The reality right now is my job is sucking me dry, my son doesn’t want to work more than 20 hours a week, my daughter never talks to me unless she wants something and my husband is in one of his moods and has barely looked at me for 3 days. I hate myself in these times because I wish I was stronger. No, I wish I could truly not give a fuck. But I do. I care deeply about my job and the people I care for. I want my son to succeed. I want my daughter and I to have a relationship. I want my husband to nurture me when I am sick.
Right now my weight loss has fallen by the wayside. I just don’t care what I weigh. During these dark times food is one of the only things I enjoy. I haven’t been to the pool in weeks and I just don’t care. When I die (If there is a heaven) I want to ask whoever is running this place why I had to get saddled with depression. Sure, it is has made me a better person but that benefits everyone else, not me. Yes, it has made me more caring but how does it help ME? The fact is, it doesn’t. You hear about horrible humans and wonder how they sleep at night. Well I am here to tell you that I don’t sleep well at night because the worries of this world keep me awake. No doubt the thoughtless and uncaring people of this world sleep well and wake up rested without a care in the world.
So that is what is going on. Now I need to go find another box of Kleenex because I can’t go more than 2 minutes without blowing my nose.