January Blues

I said it last post and I will say it again. It is such a bleak month with nothing going on. I have not been out of bed except to take my son to the dentist. It seems I get sick every year after Christmas and this year is no exception, No matter what though, the show must go on and nobody is going to take care of all the shit I have to take care of. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Yes, there is that word. This beast, Depression. Even though I post and everything seems well The Black Dog is always around. The reality right now is my job is sucking me dry, my son doesn’t want to work more than 20 hours a week, my daughter never talks to me unless she wants something and my husband is in one of his moods and has barely looked at me for 3 days. I hate myself in these times because I wish I was stronger. No, I wish I could truly not give a fuck. But I do. I care deeply about my job and the people I care for. I want my son to succeed. I want my daughter and I to have a relationship. I want my husband to nurture me when I am sick.

Right now my weight loss has fallen by the wayside. I just don’t care what I weigh. During these dark times food is one of the only things I enjoy. I haven’t been to the pool in weeks and I just don’t care. When I die (If there is a heaven) I want to ask whoever is running this place why I had to get saddled with depression. Sure, it is has made me a better person but that benefits everyone else, not me. Yes, it has made me more caring but how does it help ME? The fact is, it doesn’t. You hear about horrible humans and wonder how they sleep at night. Well I am here to tell you that I don’t sleep well at night because the worries of this world keep me awake. No doubt the thoughtless and uncaring people of this world sleep well and wake up rested without a care in the world.

So that is what is going on. Now I need to go find another box of Kleenex because I can’t go more than 2 minutes without blowing my nose.

17 thoughts on “January Blues

  1. Breath sweetie, sometimes that just the best we can do… even with these meds I go to the darkr place several times a day.. Thankfully it doesnt last too long, some 20 mins-others a couple hours.
    big hugs to you..

  2. Just a little mental trick I do that sometimes helps…replace “I want” with “I prefer.” It can give you a little bit of mental flexibility in the hard times. This time of year is very difficult with the gray and the dark…I can’t wait until the end of February when we start getting more light.

    I don’t know why the hell any of us are on earth and if I ever see God I’m going to smack Him in the face with a goddamn frying pan. Sometimes days are just meant to be survived until you can get to a little bit better place (I’m not suggesting either of us is ever going to hit euphoria, but maybe we can get to “slightly ok.” If not, I’m here to commiserate with you. Hugs!)

  3. So sorry, Birdie. Thought things were getting better with Mister Hubby there but his moods sure don’t help. Sorry he’s being a wanker.

    If I lived near you, I’d bring you homemade soup, any kind you wanted.

    Hugs & Bugs,
    – Me

  4. I’m so sorry to hear your aren’t feeling well on both fronts. I’ve figured out if I just stop doing stuff around the house the other people living here figure out what to do eventually if I can stand the mess and chaos long enough. Hang in there, sending you as many good energies as I have to spare.

  5. I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I will send metta your way and hopes that your depression eases.

  6. There must be a benefit, because Darwinism would have bred it out of us a long time ago if there wasn’t. But I agree – I have no idea what it is. I’m having a black time at the moment too. Yesterday I was weepy all day. I have an unnerving feeling that ‘something’s coming’ and I won’t be able to handle it. I want to run away and hide. I want to fall asleep until it’s warmer and lighter. But like you, I can’t. I have to keep going to work to pay the mortgage. I have to keep planning and shopping and cooking meals. I have to drive up and down the motorway every day. I have to be polite to people when I want to tell them to go away (Although it would be more like ***&&!!** off.)
    It’s good to know there are others out there who understand. Take care of yourself. There are lots of people here who are right beside you in the fight.

  7. I wonder if there is anybody out there in this big old world who doesn’t feel blah and depressed during the month of January. Praying for you Birdie. Feel better soon.

  8. Feeling crappy will make you more depressed every time. Hope it is better by now…have you ever visited garfieldminusgarfield.net? That always makes me laugh.

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