I am OK, mostly

I seriously think I need to go on some hormones because I am going wacka-do-wacka-do. Angry one minute, sobbing the next, emotions all over the place. Periods every 2 weeks. And the hot flashes! We were out geocaching the other day and everyone is bundled up in their winter coats. Me? I am carrying mine and sweating. A lovely sight. Mama said there would be days like this. So did Nana. Shit, I miss those women. What I wouldn’t do for a long sit down talk with both of them about peri-menopause and hormones and hair falling out and cramps and crying over having no milk in the fridge. Dear god, we never stop needing to be mothered. Which is why I am thankful for all of you that mother me and guide me. You all love me and oh, I am grateful.

I have been home sick with a cold, a cold that in any other job would see me at work but the people I care for are walking a thin line to begin with so, I stay home.

One thing that I can write about is my dad is going on his first date since my mom died. I know the lady and like her very much. The woman is actually the wife of his best friend from about 45 years ago. My dad was the best man at their wedding. He died of a heart attack about 15 years ago. She remarried but he turned out to be the most awful of men, a pedophile. She divorced him and has been single again for a long time. She and my dad decided to go on a date sometime in the near future. I am glad because my dad is lonely but there is the little girl in me that is sad. I know it doesn’t mean he will stop loving my mom but…I don’t know, I guess it is just that last piece of the whole thing that makes my mom truly dead. And that hurts. To add to it, my dad put his house up for sale on a whim and an overpriced whim at that and had an offer that day for the full price. The inspector has been in and now he is just waiting to hear back. This will mean going through the house and getting rid of the last of my mom’s things. Her china that I don’t really want and loads and loads of stuff. That hurts too. A stabbing into my soul where the most hurtful hurts reside.

Tonight I am way overtired and need to get to bed even though it is only 7:15. Maybe a good strong sleep will right my weary soul.

10 thoughts on “I am OK, mostly

  1. I’m glad you’re mostly okay. Try not to worry right now about what you’ll have to do in the future. It just makes you worry all that much longer.

  2. Love that song! At 41 I’m only getting the first tastes of perimenopause and it’s frightening…it’s sort of like PMS X1000. It is extremely confusing because it often takes me some time to realize the emotional disturbance might be horror-monal. I haven’t the faintest idea how I’m going to manage it as it progresses. Your mom thing and cleaning out her stuff and your dad moving on….well, that’s a hard thing birdie. A hard, hard thing. I’m sorry.

  3. I tell you- hormones have saved my life. At least get your levels checked.
    And with all that’s going on- of course you’re having some difficulty. Change is always hard. Hang in there, sugar.

  4. Hormones, job change, working days instead of nights, winter, darkness, grief. It all adds up to a heavy soul. Take care of yourself Birdie. Be kind to yourself. Sending hugs.

  5. This is truly a very emotional period for you. I’m happy that your dad is trying to build a new relationship; it is very lonely for him to spend his life without someone to share this world with. On the other hand, it does hurt because of your mom. Bittersweet. Try to step away from the full load. You don’t need to think or worry about everything at the same time. It doesn’t solve anything. Take one day at a time, and focus on happy things.

  6. That sounds like absolute hell. Maybe I can hibernate when I get to that place?

    Re: your dad and your mom’s stuff, change is hard – it’s probably very hard for him, too – but change can be good. I don’t think our loved ones are ever really fully gone as long as we remember them. Sorry if that sounds like a Hallmark card, but it’s what I think.

  7. Glad you are ok mostly. Just catching up and see that you are feeing low and being brave and hanging on and all that….keep listening to music and seeing the beauty, even if it makes you cry with all of the mixed up joy and sadness! Everything hurts sometimes! That sounds exciting for your Dad but yes, change is hard so take care of you! At least you will be aware of your feelings and can keep them in check as much as possible! Lol like what I don’t always achieve! Deep breaths! Xx

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