So, it is most definitely happening again. I had a decent run there but the Black Dog is back and has me by the throat. ISIS. That word scares me so much. There is so much anger in the world. None of us can escape it. There is even anger in my home. My husband is still angry at me and I don’t know why. Maybe I am just a silly woman but I want to feel loved and protected by him. I want him to be my safe place. Apparently that is considered silly and old-fashioned. I am told that the only person I can rely on is myself. That thought makes me feel more alone. I feel like I was not meant to be a part of this world. It seems I was born with an umbilical cord that has been detached to some Greater Power and now I long for connection and reassurance that is not there. Or maybe I am just peri-menopausal because my emotions are all over the place. My nipples hurt so much I can’t even have my arms against my body and clothing puts me on edge. Or maybe it is the fact that my mom is dead. Though the calendar says 3 year (on September 27) it feels like 3 days. It hurts more now that ever. The longing for her has not lessened.
I have made an appointment to see a counselor. A new one because the last one I had moved. It was a difficult transition as she was so gentle and caring. She really listened to me and would think about me during the week and send my thoughtful e mails. It was more like talking to a girlfriend.
It is raining here. We are at the beginning for our rainy season. You know how the meteorologist says the rain should let up mid-afternoon? Here he should say the rain will let up mid-May. Yeah, about 9 months of rain.
What else? I miss going to my Quaker meetings. I miss sitting in silent meditation with others who share the same vision as I do. Sometimes I think I would like to go to a Sikh service. Sikhism is a beautiful religion. Several years back I had a patient that was Sikh. I loved going into the home of he and his wife. I learned a lot about their beliefs and way of life. I was honored to help him with his turban each morning. Sikhs and Quakers beliefs are very similar.
Anyway, I feel a little better after writing. I am so grateful for this safe place, I am so grateful for all of you. I hope that someone out there is helped reading about my struggles with depression. I hope it helps someone to feel less alone.