This and That

So, it is most definitely happening again. I had a decent run there but the Black Dog is back and has me by the throat. ISIS. That word scares me so much. There is so much anger in the world. None of us can escape it. There is even anger in my home. My husband is still angry at me and I don’t know why. Maybe I am just a silly woman but I want to feel loved and protected by him. I want him to be my safe place. Apparently that is considered silly and old-fashioned. I am told that the only person I can rely on is myself. That thought makes me feel more alone. I feel like I was not meant to be a part of this world. It seems I was born with an umbilical cord  that has been detached to some Greater Power and now I long for connection and reassurance that is not there. Or maybe I am just peri-menopausal because my emotions are all over the place. My nipples hurt so much I can’t even have my arms against my body and clothing puts me on edge. Or maybe it is the fact that my mom is dead. Though the calendar says 3 year (on September 27) it feels like 3 days. It hurts more now that ever. The longing for her has not lessened.

I have made an appointment to see a counselor. A new one because the last one I had moved. It was a difficult transition as she was so gentle and caring. She really listened to me and would think about me during the week and send my thoughtful e mails. It was more like talking to a girlfriend.

It is raining here. We are at the beginning for our rainy season. You know how the meteorologist says the rain should let up mid-afternoon? Here he should say the rain will let up mid-May.  Yeah, about 9 months of rain.

What else? I miss going to my Quaker meetings.  I miss sitting in silent meditation with others who share the same vision as I do. Sometimes I think I would like to go to a Sikh service. Sikhism is a beautiful religion. Several years back I had a patient that was Sikh. I loved going into the home of he and his wife. I learned a lot about their beliefs and way of life. I was honored to help him with his turban each morning. Sikhs and Quakers beliefs are very similar.

Anyway, I feel a little better after writing. I am so grateful for this safe place,  I am so grateful for all of you. I hope that someone out there is helped reading about my struggles with depression. I hope it helps someone to feel less alone.

10 thoughts on “This and That

  1. I think you should go wherever you can find peace and love and support. If a quaker meeting is it, then go. You deserve it ~!
    I’m around home most of the time and we can talk if ya want to.. You know I have a Black Dog of my own and for now its sleeping, for which I am very grateful.
    You arent alone, many of us are here for you.
    big hugs

  2. Just give the black dog a scratch on the belly and a few treats. Hey, I can send dark chocolate in your package if you need it!!
    Sweetie, again, let me just say that your husband ISN’T MAD AT YOU. He’s mad, but there is something within him that is off. You just have to try and stay strong, be kind to yourself, go to counseling, find a Quaker or Sikh meeting if there is one nearby, and just allow yourself to move through this time without judgement. Eh, okay, we can totally bitch about peri-meno. GAH! Awful!

    I have some struggles, too. For different reasons. In different ways. It’s there though so I understand.
    And on the 26th, my mom will be gone 19 years. *sigh*

  3. I’m sorry but I’m SO glad someone else has sore nipples, you have NO iDEA!! Doesn’t it feel like there are scorpions clamped down on the end of them?! Holy shit, worst feeling ever.

    Did he actually say that you have to rely on yourself? Like, he said the words?! Because whoa Nelly, the bitch in me would see THAT as a challenge! “Oh, you want me to show you what my Self can do?!” I may be certifiable. Ahem. Nothing to see here.

    I’m reading a book that literally sent me into the ugliest cry I’ve ever had in my life, last night, it has so captivated me. Remember my gorilla meltdown? Well, this was very similar, only it was the privacy of my home and I let it all hang out. It felt good. Sometimes you need to just have a good cry to reset yourself. I hope a new counsellor can get to you soon.

    For god sake, shut the news off. That shit will ruin your DAY! Only take in good things. Nurture. Your. Self.

    You don’t have to shovel rain. Just remember that. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

  4. Please try to find someone who does natural hormone replacement. I KNOW that my mental illness is completely complicated and exacerbated by lack of hormones. You can get a blood test to see what’s going on there.
    And as to being responsible for our own happiness- well, yes. But why partner up with someone if they are not our comfort? And we theirs. I like what Mary said about your husband- yes, something is off there. There is something which prevents him from being your comfort. No idea what. But that’s not your fault.
    I have no answer to grief. It just is what it is. But I will tell you this as a mother- if I died, I would want my children to grieve me, yes, but I would desperately want them to go on and have happy and fulfilling lives. To keep me in their hearts and to be able to laugh about my foibles but to know that I would want them to let me go. To never be a source of deep pain for them. And having said that, I realize it isn’t going to help you at all.
    Birdie. I am so sorry you’re going through this. May your new counselor be a good one. And go attend whatever services bring you peace.

  5. SAD can kick in as early as August. Your previous counselor sounds amazing – I hope you find someone like that.

    You were really told by your husband that you can only rely on yourself? WTF?

  6. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad, Birdie; hang in there. There is so much contributing to the way you feel. The rain, the peri-menopausal stage, the days getting shorter, the grief, the husband…and on and on…all of that is weighing you down. No wonder you’re having a hard time. Just keep on venting to us, to a counselor, to wherever it makes you feel better. It’ll get better.

  7. I am so sorry to know that you are having these feelings, and I don’t think you are silly or old fashioned! I am hoping that you are able to find happiness within yourself…and with whomever you are with. Your husband shouldn’t stay angry with you, this only makes matters worse, I am sure.

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