A Nap is in Order

The last couple of days or so I have been stepping my toe over the line between being OK and not being OK. Lots of tears but mostly anxiety and a feeling of total overwhelm. I wish I had the courage to write it all out here but it is so complicated, full of ins and outs and ups and downs. Trying to figure it all out is even more confusing. I will likely be calling my counselor today. This depression, this anxiety is like walking on ice….you will go down eventually either because you hit a slippery spot or from the exhaustion of knowing you are going to hit a slippery spot. You walk with your figurative arms out and knees locked, afraid to breathe as the smallest move to the left or right can cause disaster. Right now I am back in bed because it is safe for me and I am so very tired.

To add to this, every time I look at the calendar I am reminded that this is September. September has so much bite in it now. It is the month that my best friend, my protector, my nurturer and mother died. I sat holding her hand as she took her last breathe and left me. I watched as her heart stopped and the blood started to pool, looking as though she had been bruised from head to toe. That image will stay with me and hurt me until my dying breath. It was proof that she was dead and there was nothing more that anyone could do. A knife went through me and I have yet been able to pull it out. My mom was not ready to die. It was not welcome. My sister had just had a baby. She wanted to see my children graduate. Her grandchildren were her life and she loved them with a love fiercer than I know. She loved my dad, she loved her children and she loved her grandchildren. Sometimes I wonder if I would have felt better about her dying is she hadn’t been so young (65). Would it be gentler and easier to carry? Would it rip at my soul as it does now? I have a hard time distinguishing between having my mother die and missing her and having my mother die and feeling ripped off for all the years we didn’t have. All the years she didn’t have.

My son is at a job interview right now. If you are a praying person I ask that you pray that he gets a job soon. There are a whole lot of issues going around my son right now. My gentle son who has never given me problems. He is an old soul trying to find his way in this world. It is not easy being a gentle and old soul if you are a man. I pray that he finds his way to a life and a career that allows his beautiful personality to be used.

6 thoughts on “A Nap is in Order

  1. Good luck to your son…your description of him is touching…
    what happened to the post about the pain in your bum???
    I have the same thing!!! very annoying…and painful…where did it go???
    Enjoy your day…
    Linda :o)

  2. Anniversaries bring it all up. Not only do our minds remember, our bodies do too. I am quite convinced of this. Have faith that you will get through all of this. And that your son will get through whatever he is going through.
    Trust me.

  3. Good luck to your son, Birdie! I hope he does get this job…for both of you. It’s a tough month for you, and if you feel like letting it out privately, you are welcome to email me and vent to you heart’s content. Sometimes we just want to vomit up all the pain and fear and anxiety and fatigue and grief we feel, and have someone listen. Not pass judgment. Not tell us what we should do to make it better. Just listen. Patiently.

    Yes, your mom died much too young, so there will certainly be anger associated with that. And being there till she took her last breath is certainly traumatizing. It is not an image you can shake. I don’t know if you would have felt different if she hadn’t died so young. Perhaps. Perhaps not. We each handle grief in a different way. For me, the age seems to be important. My father died when he was 77, and my brother died when he was 47. I have grieved the loss of my father, and although I miss him, I have moved on. I felt that he’d lived a full life, and his passing was to be expected. Not so with my brother. I have learned to live with the fact that he’s no longer with us, but the grief still surfaces, now and then. He was too young to die.

    I am here for you if you need a soft place to land.

  4. Best wishes for your son. Ours is 21 and still needs us so much. He has friends and recently started a new job and is going to school for part time too, but it’s other things we worry about. You know!
    My mom also died in September and I (and other family) was with her. She said she was ready, said she had no regrets. But she was only 69. There was more for her. Stupid f’ing cancer. I understand, hon. I do. (HUG)

  5. I am so sorry that this anniversary is so hard for you. I can only imagine what it feels like and doing that is bad enough. One thing I tell myself when life seems unfair is that no one ever said life was going to be fair. I tell my kids that when they complain about things they think are unfair. Life is not fair and sometimes it just sucks but you keep on going and pretty soon something awesome comes along. Life is more like a wave than a peak, up and down and up and down. I hang on while I’m in a down and hold on tight waiting for the ups cause the ups are so worth the wait, at least for me they are. I hope life throws you an “up” soon (and not the bipolar kind, lol).

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