The last couple of days or so I have been stepping my toe over the line between being OK and not being OK. Lots of tears but mostly anxiety and a feeling of total overwhelm. I wish I had the courage to write it all out here but it is so complicated, full of ins and outs and ups and downs. Trying to figure it all out is even more confusing. I will likely be calling my counselor today. This depression, this anxiety is like walking on ice….you will go down eventually either because you hit a slippery spot or from the exhaustion of knowing you are going to hit a slippery spot. You walk with your figurative arms out and knees locked, afraid to breathe as the smallest move to the left or right can cause disaster. Right now I am back in bed because it is safe for me and I am so very tired.
To add to this, every time I look at the calendar I am reminded that this is September. September has so much bite in it now. It is the month that my best friend, my protector, my nurturer and mother died. I sat holding her hand as she took her last breathe and left me. I watched as her heart stopped and the blood started to pool, looking as though she had been bruised from head to toe. That image will stay with me and hurt me until my dying breath. It was proof that she was dead and there was nothing more that anyone could do. A knife went through me and I have yet been able to pull it out. My mom was not ready to die. It was not welcome. My sister had just had a baby. She wanted to see my children graduate. Her grandchildren were her life and she loved them with a love fiercer than I know. She loved my dad, she loved her children and she loved her grandchildren. Sometimes I wonder if I would have felt better about her dying is she hadn’t been so young (65). Would it be gentler and easier to carry? Would it rip at my soul as it does now? I have a hard time distinguishing between having my mother die and missing her and having my mother die and feeling ripped off for all the years we didn’t have. All the years she didn’t have.
My son is at a job interview right now. If you are a praying person I ask that you pray that he gets a job soon. There are a whole lot of issues going around my son right now. My gentle son who has never given me problems. He is an old soul trying to find his way in this world. It is not easy being a gentle and old soul if you are a man. I pray that he finds his way to a life and a career that allows his beautiful personality to be used.